Should my child attend visitation? funeral?

Whether your child attends visitation (or a wake) and or funeral may depend on a couple of things.
1. Your child's relationship to the person who died.
2. Your child's age.
3. Nature of the death

Many times parents try to shield children from the sting of death. Allowing your child to attend visitation of a mother or father or close grandparent is helpful in the grieving process. Children under the age of 7 often cannot understand the idea that death is permanent. Attending the viewing helps the child understand the death truly occurred,  and to have a chance to say good-bye. Since grief is universal, if the deceased is a friend you may discern taking your child to the funeral or visitation may be a way to expose your child to grief before the child experiences a close death in the family. The nature of the death may influence your decision of allowing your child to attend the viewing, death by suicide, murder, or car accident is different than someone who died of natural causes because of the conversations your child may over hear while in attendance.

When my husband died our son was 7. He and I had a private viewing just the two of us. He handled it with more maturity and tenderness than I ever imagined. We talked about visitation and the funeral to gauge what he felt comfortable attending. He attended the visitation where he sat and played his hand held video game and welcomed his teacher and classmates when they came over to speak to him. Often times children of the deceased become only spectators at visitation and funeral. Friends and family hurt for them so badly and feel they should not approach them, which only deepens the wounds because they feel their loss is not recognized. My son also attended the funeral. He sat in my reach on the row behind me with two of his classmates and their parents. He left the church with his friends and went to get ice cream. He wanted nothing to do with the graveside service. To this day he has not visited the cemetery, that part is to morbid for his little mind to entertain and that is perfectly fine!

My daughter was 22 months when my husband died. I have read some resources that say no child is too young to benefit from attending visitation. As her mother, I discerned differently. I knew she would not understand seeing her dad in the coffin, that she would think he was sleeping and might even pat him and tell him to wake up. Plus, she is a handful and I would have been chasing her around or holding her rather than greeting friends and family.

To answer the question, there is no right or wrong do what is right for your family and situation.

Explaining Death to Children

When my husband died our son was 7 and our daughter was 22 months.  Preparing to tell my son that his dad was dead was one of the hardest tasks, yet God gave me wisdom. As we had been living in and out of ICU for several weeks, I did not have time to read on childhood grief. Sadly there is not a ton of resources out there, but I will share a resource list in a later post.

Often times we put our own spin on death and dread how we anticipate children will react. When my son's teacher told his class they were sad for their classmate and yet got really excited, "You mean he is IN heaven. You mean he is with Paul Bunyan and Superman? Cool!" Stay away from giving the child more information than he/she needs or can handle. Be child directed and answer questions as they ask honestly and without too much detail.

How your child is able to comprehend and processes death will depend mostly on his age. Children are also very literal. When initially telling a child about a death, refrain from using the words TAKEN and LOST:
TAKEN to a child means someone was snatched and they might be snatched too.
LOST implies the person can be found like a lost toy.

Some words to use:
INVITED: I told my son, "God invited Daddy to come live at his house."
BROKEN: People die because some part of the body did not function properly any more. Children can understand broken.

Two visual aides I have found useful when telling children about death:
FLASHLIGHT: turn the flashlight on, then take out the batteries to show the light will not shine without the batteries much like a person who has died. The heart and spirit of a person is what keeps them alive.
PEANUT: the inside represents our soul/spirit and when a person dies the body is the "shell" that remains.

Example of an initial explanation  of a loved ones death:
(parent) Timmy do you remember Aunt Betty?
(child)Yes.
(parent) Aunt Betty's heart quit working today.
(child) Quit working?
(parent) Yes, our heart pumps blood all around our body and without a heart our body is broken. God invited Aunt Betty to come live at His house where she is healed, whole,  and has a new body. I am really going to miss her.

Finally, children often irrationally believe that the death is in some way their fault or that they caused the death to happen. Some children may have said, "I wish you were dead", not long before the death. I have read of some children who have sent terminally ill loved ones gifts and the child thought the gift may have caused them to die. Reassure your child that they did not cause the death.

The Onion of Grief!

I have discovered that grief is like an onion! There are many layers of loss and just when you think you have discovered all the layers there is another one to peel off. The bible says "two become one flesh", for widows we have indeed lost a part of us. We have lost our biggest fan, our cheerleader. We may have lost our financial advisor and yard man. Realize that losing your spouse will change you, but you too are the same person you have always been. If you have been caring for a terminally ill husband, you may have forgotten the woman that stares back at you in the mirror. What you like to eat or hobbies you used to enjoy. Take the time to dream and find her again.

As a widow, you have now stepped into a very strange world; the world of singleness, another layer of loss. Becoming single again changes our status in more ways than checking the "widow" box at the doctor's office. Widowhood changes our relationships in many ways; with couple friends, co-workers, husband's co-workers/business partners, girlfriends and even family. Whether you were married a year or 50 years becoming single again is very odd. As a widow you still feel very married, after all if you had a choice you would still rather be married. I often hear widows expressing sadness over losing their couple friends after the death of a spouse. Most widows I know still would love to continue to be invited to outings and parties with their couple friends. As widows we can spend a lot of our precious energy mourning all those relationship losses, but to quote Miriam Neff "actions don't lie". If many of your married relationships have fled, forgive. Realize that not all people are comfortable helping others through traumatic situations. Embark on a new search and find a small group of healing people to become your true authentic network of support.

To Get Counseling or Not Get Counseling?

To Get Counseling of Not Get Counseling? That is NOT the question. The question is which counselor to see?
 
Grief takes a tremendous toll on your body. Particularly your brain which is the control center of your body it deserves care as much as the rest of your body. If you had a broken arm would you try to cast it yourself or go to an orthopedist? If you had chest pain would you wait it out or go to an ER? Our brain and neurological chemicals can go haywire under emotional and stressful situations so I urge you to go to the ones who have dedicated their lives to trying to help manage those emotions and chemical imbalances. Another added benefit to seeing a counselor is that they have worked with other grieving families and have a portfolio of experiences to draw from on what strategies worked best for others experiencing very similar situations as you.

I encourage you to go to a therapy practice that offers both counseling and psychiatric services. This way it will be a “one stop shop” and you will spend less time and money getting what you need. Therapists provide counseling and psychiatrists and psyche nurse practitioners can help determine if you need medication.  “NO WAY I don’t want to be on meds!”  I hear this very frequently from people, particularly from the Christian community. Let me say again our brain is an organ and serotonin and dopamine levels can get way out of whack in times of grief in addition to having adrenaline and cortisol in your body. Diabetics have altered levels of insulin in their bodies and take medication to control it, our mental health should not be seen as any different, yet there are many many people who suffer through each day without getting help because of the stigma of antidepressants. Mental healthcare professionals can help determine IF medication is right for you, how much, and can help you determine when to wean off meds. A therapy practice is going to be more educated than simply seeing your general practicioner or OBGYN. And Medication does NOT have to be forever.

 

Symptoms of Grief

I greatly underestimated the physical symptoms of grief. After my husband's death, I actually spend a lot of time, effort, and money going to different doctors to make sure I did not have another physical condition because I could not fathom that grief could do these crazy things to my body.

Symptoms of grief can actually start prior to your loved ones death; known as ANTICIPATORY GRIEF. For me, anticipatory grief manifested in my body getting stuck in fight or flight. This constant action of adrenaline and cortisol pumping through my veins caused me to start having panic attacks. If you have never had panic attacks, count yourself blessed.  You feel like you are dying. With my husband’s illness, I think I always thought deep down that I would know when he started his decline and was nearing the end of his life. In retrospect, my body knew Micah was dying before I did.

Symptoms of grief include:

·       panic attacks

·       nausea

·       diarrhea

·       reflux

·       dramatic weight change (losing or gaining)

·       fatigue

·       achiness

·       foggy brain, dizziness

·       forgetfulness

·       working and short term memory issues

·       lack of concentration

·       hard time remembering people’s names

·       hard time sequencing tasks, or categorizing

·       depression

·       disturbed sleep/ night sweats

·       dry eyes or cloudy vision

·       irrational fears 

 All of my symptoms made it very hard to function let alone take care of 2 children. The best analogy I can give you is it was like having the stomach virus all night every night for 4 months and having to get up and take care of kids every day. There are several nights I can recall, that I could not even walk. I was crawling around on the floor picking up toys. I would ask God, “Please don’t leave me like this for the rest of my life. Heal me!” And God has been faithful to help me heal along this journey. If you are in the midst of grief, I know you feel like you will never climb up the mountain and feel joy again. Take heart my friend there is much more life out there for you. The journey to healing may be long, but you will get there.

 

When Grief Comes Knocking: Practical Care Tips

Care tips:

1.    Call family and offer to keep children while family goes to make funeral arrangements, during visitation or funeral.

2.    Offer to stay at the house during visitation and funeral (sadly homes are often targeted for burglaries during this time since obituaries are in the paper)

3.    Have a sign up sheet for those people that say, “If I can do anything to help, let me know.” And what they are willing to help with (yard work, home repairs, childcare) Many days once I knew what I needed help with I could not remember who offered or didn’t know how to get in touch with them.

4.    Provide a Memory box: Tues morning, Hobby Lobby have pretty boxes that can be used to put cards and other memories in so they are not laying out as a painful reminder.

5.    Don’t assume that if there is family close by that they are able to be caregivers. Many times they are so lost in their own grief they are not able to be around to provide help and care.

6.    Send card: Use caution in using scripture in the early stages of grief. Scripture about God’s will comes across as being very preachy and trite in the midst of intense pain.  I think many times people think that the bereaved person may be having a good day and sending a card may bring up more grief, but from the people I know their grief is always on their mind and it makes them feel good when people remember them otherwise they feel their pain has been forgotten or that people think they should be over their loss.

7. Do still invite the surviving spouse to outings or over for parties. They may decline, but most widows I know feel they have lost most if not all of their couple friends. They still feel very married and don't feel like a 3rd wheel when with couple friends.

8.    Help the surviving spouse face the everyday realities: what was helpful for me

·       Providing Food—especially helpful when people invited us over to their house for supper. That way the kids had playmates, there was fellowship, and we were not sitting at our kitchen table noticing there were only 3 of us instead of 4.

·       Professionals services: lawyers, accountants, insurance agents

·       Someone to organize consistent yard work/home repair day/ cleaning days

·       Gift cards (resturants, grocery store, massage, pedicures ( you have lost physical touch which is a great way to heal the body and treat anxiety), Super Suds, cleaning lady, yard man)

·       Someone to help me make a list of all estate business to tackle.

·       Someone to call pharmacy and medical equipment to arrange for equipment to be returned and locate other patients who could use medications.

·       People offering to keep the kids. I had lot so appointments to take care of estate business. And had some friends who would watch my kids while I went to the grocery store. Wish I had someone at visitation make a list of who volunteered to help with the kids and do a “childcare train” b/c my brain was fried an on the days I was about to melt down I could not think of who to call. And knowing I was going to get regular breaks would have been great!

·       Someone to call medical equipment store and arrange for equipment to be returned.

·       A father/mother or big brother/big sister figure to commit to spend regular time with children.

·       An exercise partner: someone to commit to walking or aerobics. Get two benefits, someone to talk to and endorphins are one of the best neurological ways to combat depression/anxiety.

·       Being there: Grieving people need REGULAR and CONSISTENT help and care over a LONG period of time. Ask the grieving person to make a list of their top concerns and call back within the week to find out what they are and help them figure out how/who can help accomplish those tasks.

 

 

 

Grief: Moving Beyond "Pop and Drop"

Grief defined: deep and poignant distress caused by bereavement, a cause of suffering, an unfortunate outcome (no joke!), disaster, mishap, misadventure (yes! I’ll agree it’s quite a ride, one I would not choose to get on!)

Grief can be caused by many life events, loss of job, infertility, suicide, relocation, miscarriage, deployment, accident, premature delivery, child being diagnosed with a disability, a rebellious teen, unexpected illness, and death. If we all experience grief at some season in our lives, why aren’t we taught how to deal with grief or help others in grief? Why is our culture mostly devoid of talking about the intense pain and emotions that come when grief breezes through the door? I firmly believe our churches and small group leaders would greatly benefit on regular training in this area.

If the corporate body of believers are truly going to be the hands and feet of Jesus we have to get past “the pop and drop” syndrome. Most of the time we pop a casserole in the oven, drop it off at the bereaving family’s house, say I’m sorry for your loss and ride off in the sunset and return to our daily routines. As a corporate body we truly mean well. Perhaps the church has not been taught how TO BE THE CHURCH! Please don’t mistake that I am saying meals do not help in times of loss, they certainly are. If we are truly to comfort one another in time of suffering, we have to get past “pop and drop” and provide consistent and ongoing outreach to the grieving. I am so thankful that God has provided me with my healing people during this season.

Should we then drop all the balls we juggle in our lives and completely dedicate our lives to consoling the grieving? Let’s take a closer look into scripture about helping those in need. In Luke 10 Jesus begins by instructing that we are to: love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind and love your neighbor as yourself. And then he speaks of a man who was severely beaten by robbers and left on the side of the road. Others passed him by, but a Samaritan man stopped, bandaged his wounds, gave him transportation (on his donkey) into town to an inn. Then Samaritan man left the inn keeper with funds to take care of the man saying he would return and pay for any additional expenses he needed.

So what am I supposed to glean from this passage? So glad you asked. The Samaritan man helped the wounded, but he continued on his travels to take care of his business. He also gave his word he would return to check on him. The Samaritan did NOT abandon the rest of his calling while taking care of someone in need. If we will listen, God will tell us how to help the grieving, when to help the grieving, and how much to help the grieving.

“Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.” (Mark 4:9) “ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way walk in it” (Isaiah 30:21)

 

 

A New Bed of Roses

Nearly two years has passed since my new bed of roses began; my new life.  Life as a widow. Life as a single mom to two young children. Widow, single mom, late husband…. I can remember the first time those words came to mind to articulate, they hung in my mouth, my lips tried to hold the words back as I sputtered them out. I could hardly utter them. Speaking those words was facing the harsh reality that what my husband and I knew was possible for many years had finally come to fruition. My husband, was born with a genetic illness, cystic fibrosis, or sixty-five roses as some refer to the illness. His final weeks were stressful, heart wrenching, and traumatic as he lay in ICU on a ventilator. Yet they were peaceful and full of God’s fingerprints, love, compassion and mercy.

I, am a reader, a researcher, and a teacher at heart. After my husband's death, I began reading resources on grief, depression and single parenthood. The first was “Roses in December” by Marilyn Heavilin. From then on the symbolism of roses turned from “sixty-five roses” to the beautiful ways I could see God using our pain for his glory. Before long, God was placing some of his other children going through trauma and grief in my path and using me to minister to their brokenness. As a disciple of Christ, I kept hearing him tell me to expand my borders and create this blog as a compilation of my resources to minister to others when the unwanted guest of grief comes knocking at the door.