Explaining Death to Children

When my husband died our son was 7 and our daughter was 22 months.  Preparing to tell my son that his dad was dead was one of the hardest tasks, yet God gave me wisdom. As we had been living in and out of ICU for several weeks, I did not have time to read on childhood grief. Sadly there is not a ton of resources out there, but I will share a resource list in a later post.

Often times we put our own spin on death and dread how we anticipate children will react. When my son's teacher told his class they were sad for their classmate and yet got really excited, "You mean he is IN heaven. You mean he is with Paul Bunyan and Superman? Cool!" Stay away from giving the child more information than he/she needs or can handle. Be child directed and answer questions as they ask honestly and without too much detail.

How your child is able to comprehend and processes death will depend mostly on his age. Children are also very literal. When initially telling a child about a death, refrain from using the words TAKEN and LOST:
TAKEN to a child means someone was snatched and they might be snatched too.
LOST implies the person can be found like a lost toy.

Some words to use:
INVITED: I told my son, "God invited Daddy to come live at his house."
BROKEN: People die because some part of the body did not function properly any more. Children can understand broken.

Two visual aides I have found useful when telling children about death:
FLASHLIGHT: turn the flashlight on, then take out the batteries to show the light will not shine without the batteries much like a person who has died. The heart and spirit of a person is what keeps them alive.
PEANUT: the inside represents our soul/spirit and when a person dies the body is the "shell" that remains.

Example of an initial explanation  of a loved ones death:
(parent) Timmy do you remember Aunt Betty?
(child)Yes.
(parent) Aunt Betty's heart quit working today.
(child) Quit working?
(parent) Yes, our heart pumps blood all around our body and without a heart our body is broken. God invited Aunt Betty to come live at His house where she is healed, whole,  and has a new body. I am really going to miss her.

Finally, children often irrationally believe that the death is in some way their fault or that they caused the death to happen. Some children may have said, "I wish you were dead", not long before the death. I have read of some children who have sent terminally ill loved ones gifts and the child thought the gift may have caused them to die. Reassure your child that they did not cause the death.