Helping the Greiving Through the Holidays

As a young girl growing up near the heart of Atlanta, my most vivid Christmas memory was going to see The Atlanta Ballet perform the Nutcracker at the Fox. Now I too enjoy the Nutcracker tradition in our community each Christmas season with my daughter.  A few weeks ago I found myself roaming through the ornament section of Target. I was on a hunt to find a special ornament to commemorate this year's Nutcracker tea and performance.  No ornament was really grabbing me as a token I'd like my Sugar Plum Fairy girl to hang on her tree many years from now to remember the annual event . What did catch my attention was a dull throbbing ache that began to creep up in my chest. I soon realized the familiar feeling...the return of the Holiday grief monger.

 After seven years, I have come to the conclusion, the lights that are so merry and bright illuminate holes within hearts. The holidays make grief more raw. Our pain is less sharp now, but Micah's absence is always with us. My thoughts shifted to those in my circle who are grieving right now. A friend who just buried her dad. Marriages shattered, kids worlds crumbled. Another family just kissed Dad in uniform good-bye and will see him about this time next year. As I pulled my cart to check out lane 6, there she was, a beloved MOPS sister. She shared hubby just deployed for 3 months. She shared my sentiments, holidays make pain greater.

How can you help grieving families through the holidays? Here are my top dos and don'ts :

DON'T
1. Say, "I'm here. Call me if you need anything!"
This is a grand gesture, but grieving people often don't know what they need and won't remember who offered to help. If it's soon after a death, I encourage a family member or close friends helping to keep a list of all those who offer to help and what their specific ways they want to help (childcare, yard, make meals).

2. Say, "You know this was God's will. "

3. Don't say irrational spiritual statements to rationalize loss: :
" God knew it was his time!"  , "At least your kids had a dad for the time they did! Some kids never have one !" , " You are young and beautiful you will marry someone else .",  " You are young ! You can still have other children !",  "You know God knew you all needed an angel up there to watch over you !"

DO:
1. Continue to include them. Invite them to outings, game night, or parties.
Even if the person says no, the gesture that you thought of them and invited them means a lot. Know that each person is a soul. Just because their marital status may have changed doesn't mean they don't want to be included in their previous circle of friends.

2. Invite them over for a meal or take a meal to them and stay to eat.
Meals are wonderful. Company is even better. I know I've said it before but, if we are to be the supportive body of Christ, we have to get past pop and drop. Popping a casserole in the oven and dropping it off and riding into the sunset fills the belly, but not the soul. Grieving people most need a listening ear and fellowship.

3. Ask them when and how you can help them decorate their home or haul down Christmas boxes from the attic.

4. Ask what their family holiday plans are to be sure they will not be alone.
Grief can bring family closer or tear them apart. Families either lean on each other or turn on each other. Don't assume because family is close by that family supports the grieving.

5. Ask them what in their home needs repairs.

6. Ask parents if they would like help shopping for the kids and take the kids shopping for surviving parent.
For a surviving spouse or  spouse of a deployed service member, buying all your own Christmas presents and faining to be surprised on Christmas morning  is one of the hardest/lonliest parts of the grief journey.

7. Be a constant presence.
Whether cards, text, lunch dates. being there on a regular basis is the biggest support you could ever imagine . One mom shared,  "After my miscarriage , a dear friend would just come and sit on my couch with me and watch movies. I'd cry and she never had to say a word. Having her there meant so much "

8. Be dependable. Keep your word, be a promise keeper.
From my observations, disappointment to the grieving (especially children) is magnified more than I could put into words. Follow through on intentions to get together, take kids hunting, or on fun outings.
Be a person whose walk matches talk. We show integrity by our actions rather than our intentions. Keeping promises reaffirms there is good in a hurting world and loving people who can be trusted. If we are in Christ, then we are an extension of God's love in action.  After all,  love is something that we do and  we do what we believe.

"Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with action and in truth."

1 John 3:18

Music:
Love Is Something That We Do: Clint Black

Love Them Like Jesus: Casting Crowns

Resource:
Emergency Response Handbook for Small Groups by Group Publishing

Living On the Bridge Through Life's Seasons

God's given a clear word to me. The word keeps resurfacing in small group discussions, bible study, news articles.... the word is season. In this season, God has definitely tilled the soil and is doing a new work. I am so thankful my little haven is in a season of peace. I'm back to work full time in the speech rehab world. I ain't gonna lie!  I love what I'm called to do. But ya'll, the struggle  IS REAL to balance single motherhood, work, and home life.  I'm most definitely right where I am suppose to be ministering, but not exactly where I thought I'd be this season last year. 

During this season, God has taught me:

1. God gives vision and His chief desire is for us to be obedient. 
This time last year I created a LLC with the vision of training church leaders and educators on organizational leadership and on how to create safe sanctuaries. A vision to help bring awareness and a plan to protect children from sexual and emotional abuse in churches. Can I  get a witness? Our headlines every day beg and scream this is a need. Yet, apparently it's not the season my for family. 

If I'm honest, I've been through Satan getting in my head. He has spoken condemnation. "Who do you think you are? What were you thinking? See your vision did not come to fruition!" I've journeyed to contentment now knowing I was obedient and if Roots & Wings Educational Consulting is to take flight, God will open doors in his time. 

In your season of waiting, don't grow weary or give up beloved! You will reap what you sow, later than you sow, and more than you sow! Galatians 6:9

2. God can use the hardest trials to help us walk into His destiny.
I've had to sit back and watch; watch my curly headed boy wrestle with a season of hardship. My John Davis, he has been handed a Goliath size, suffering cup no mom would ever want her child to bear. I found myself apologizing to him over and over that he has to endure this mountain.

I clearly heard God whisper, "Hush, just hush". I realized this very suffering may be what shapes him for his God-calling. If this thistle is taken away, he may not be changed into God's likeness and step into all his heavenly Father has for him to become. And then right there in His word:

REPENTANCE + REST=SALVATION  &   QUIET + TRUST= STRENGTH!!!

Isn't what we all need? To humble ourselves, cast out our idols, and rest in God's saving grace? And sometimes our silence can be the loudest remark! Closing my mouth and trusting God will give me strength to know He is working the hard, painful times into good that will glorify Him.

In repentance and rest is your salvation, 
in quietness and trust is your strength,...Isaiah 30:15 

3. We are all living on a bridge.
In this haven we are most definitely in a season, a season of matrimony. In our little corner of the globe 2017-2018 ushers in 4 weddings .  As a spectator of planning and showers, I watch brides juggle dreams with family dynamics. I have become keenly aware grief has you live on a bridge, a bridge of time; a never ending  time continuum between past, present, and future.

Any given day, I walk my children across the bridge through several time continuums...sometimes even multiple times. 

The bridge to the PAST takes my kids back to enjoy visiting their earthly father, to know what their Dad was like; to remember and hold on to memories, and makes him tangible in his absence.

The bridge of the PRESENT  keeps us focused on what is right in front of us. Focusing on gifts in the present unlocks joy. Joy produces contentment. 

The bridge to the FUTURE  fills us with hope. Our prayer is  for wherever God plants us we will walk in His light and be a vessel to bring him glory.  We pray for whoever God brings into our future will allow room for us to bring the past along where we will cherish them both simultaneously. For we are all a sum of our past. People who speak encouragement spur us on to love and good deeds. We treasure and hold them dear. Those that caused pain and destruction also compel us to vow to love justice, seek mercy, and walk humbly with our God. (Micah 6:8)

Beloved, embrace your walk on the bridge through all of life's seasons! Knowing He is the unchangeable God of each step you take through all the changing seasons will set you free. He is the God of all of your days! 


Until the whole world hears,
Katie

Music:

God of All My Days by Casting Crowns

The Very Next Thing by Casting Crowns