I realized recently that my nuclear family is about to
celebrate 40 years of full time ministry. In addition to the death of my husband,
the children in our family have been front row spectators to grief and how
destructive it can be to the family tree. If you have just experienced a death
in your family and your immediate and extended family have clung to one
another, supported and affirmed one another, and are closer than you ever have
been, well, give yourselves a big round of applause. You find yourself in the
same position as about 5% of other grieving families. For the other 95%, you
know that a death in the family is like having a hurricane blow in and batter
your family tree. When there is a death in the family, the family tree is
shaken. The year following the death is most important in how you
communicate and deal with grief. Grief gone wrong or displaced anger during
this time will likely color the course of family relationships from this point
forward.
From our observations when the death of an elderly parent
occurs, unresolved sibling conflict plays itself out. One grown child who may
have made poor life and financial choices sprays his jealousy on successful
siblings and sees the estate as his opportunity to get what he monetarily and
physically “deserves.” If one sibling was the primary caretaker, she may be
tired after all the hours of caregiving and be angry at other siblings that
lived farther away and unable to physically help the aging parent as much.
Sometimes personal belongings take on a whole new life and grown children or
other family members may come to the surviving parent’s home and steal
possessions while they are away.
Other main stresses that shake the family tree include:
Differences in care and attention through illness, interest in financial
matters above emotional support, differences in how to publicly acknowledge,
memorialize or celebrate the deceased, blame especially if the death was
unexpected or suicide, one person owning all the loss, no tolerance of family members grieving
differently (one family may want to clean out belongings within a short period
of time while another wants to hold on to EVERY item), making the deceased a
saint/not recognizing the deceased had flaws, unresolved family conflict with
family member that died.
To the young widow:
Once you have a time to momentarily catch your breath before launching
into the daunting task of the business of death, you may pause to survey your
family tree. There is no escaping that when your husband left this world you
discovered realities in his family tree you did not see before. You may be hit
with the sobering reality of what a shield and buffer he was for you. You may
realize that some supporters have turned in to “black crows”. These family
members are filled with bitterness and anger and displace it on others and you
may find yourself and even your young children as the main target. The black crows fly in and do a lot of
squawking and crowing causing family ties to be damaged and in some cases
permanently severed. As Proverbs says, “Out of the heart the mouth flows”(4:23)
and certainly actions do not lie and truly reveal character. If you find yourself heartbroken because your
husband’s parents have blamed you for his death, I wish I could hold you, wipe
your tear stained face and tell you, you are NOT alone. As Miriam Neff cites in
From One Widow to Another it is not uncommon for a young widow’s in-laws
to blame her for the death of her beloved spouse. She came to know a young,
childless widow whose husband was killed in the line of duty as a firefighter,
a career he chose and esteemed. Imagine her turmoil, when his parents blamed
her for his career choice.
In some cases, you may see that some branches in your
family tree have been completely pruned when family abandons you after your
storm. Yet sometimes the unexpected happens, other extended family members or
friends who have been on the fringes in our “prehurricane” life have now
swooped in like robins in spring bringing encouragement and support. The
presence they add to our life is as surprising and as colorful as the brilliant
blue robin eggs nesting in spring. We
are so thankful they have come to reside in our tree.
When the family tree shakes it can add an additional
layer to our grief and even cause us to have complicated grief if the hurricane
force winds do not cease in a timely manner. Brothers and sisters in Christ, as
if you needed more lessons to mold you and shape you, the family tree shaking
affords us an enormous opportunity; an opportunity to grasp true forgiveness. I
know, I know, you are trying to survive one day at a time. Coming to grips with
your family tree can determine the entire course of your life. We have a choice
to either let a root of bitterness grow or cut off the shackles and be set free
by God’s design. That choice my friend is the difference in living a life of
joy or being held in bondage and yielded ineffective in God’s work and kingdom.
The road to get there may be long, but it’s the most important one you can
make.
