One Thousand Gifts: Learning the Key to Unlocking a Life of Joy

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives^,
to comfort all who mourn,
    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty {give them bouquets of roses MSG}
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:1-3

I have a confession to make. I have a habit. A book habit. I have a queue of books that lie in wait on my home office shelves for my eyes to dig in. I get giddy with excitement thinking of which paperback I will choose next when the pages of my current manuscript have been digested. In this new life, this new bed of roses I wish I could clone myself to get the bathing, kitchen cleaning, and tucking in finished with enough time and energy to consume pages before falling out in exhaustion.  My latest read: One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The lines penned, numbered gifts, have given me a fresh lens from which to view life. What happens when we count the blessings? Give thanks for the simple dailies? Eucharisteo happens. In the original language eucharisteo means “to give thanks”. In the greek the root charis means “grace” and chara means “joy”. Is it possible in counting the gifts we are transformed? We give thanks, we comprehend God’s grace, and only then can we count it all joy!

Since beginning the “Gifts” journey in early summer. I've had eyes for the gifts. Enjoyed molding words in new-Vaskamp fashion , penning the gifts. Numbered the gifts? I have not. The gifts are scattered some quickly typed in to my phone and some published on my social media timeline. Wanting to number and count the new found blessings, realizing I need to gather the pieces.

 Gather the pieces....Then I'm struck. He struck. My eucharisteo, the thanksgiving, is the Father has gathered the shards of heart, the river of tears, the dreams broken and put the puzzle of life back together. Different, stretched, band-aid over heart. Eucharisteo because He has helped cleanse the deep gashing wound and the broken hearted has been bandaged. Sure the ache of laying young husband in ground will always throb. Ache fills chest for my orphaned children longing for forehead kissing and singing of their song at days end. Eucharisteo has given me pause to revel in the man of God, friend, businessman, husband and father he was. Eyes to see how he left thumbprints on this world, built a legacy that counts, and ministries because of him keep on impacting.

Eucharisteo has returned peace to a once pounding, panicky heart and quieted veins once coursing with adrenalin . Eucharisteo leads to trust. Trust to peace. Peace to confidence; God confidence. This thirty- one proverbs can now be uttered with honest lips: I "laugh at the days to come" not because of what the days hold but because I know the one who holds the days.
For now I really see; scales fallen from Saul-blinded eyes, I see.  Eucharisteo precedes the miracle . My miracle! My miracle is the pieces of me have been anointed with the oil of joy and fused me back together. And now my portion of mourning and eucharisteo can be poured out to reach others in their pain. The grief journey long, reward is great if better is chosen over bitter. Eucharisteo paves the way for the miracle, creating true beauty out of ashes. Then blooms the sweet aroma of a new bed of roses.

Thoughts from: To Heaven and Back

I have found it comforting to read books about heaven since Micah's passing. Here are some notes from one of my favorites: To Heaven and Back by Mary C. Neal, M.D


"When you love with all that you have, you grieve with all that you are."

My Daily Creed
I believe Gods promises are true
I believe heaven is real
I believe nothing can seperate me from Gods love
I believe God has work for me to do
I believe God will see me through and carry me when I cannot walk

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Faith sets us free--allows us to fully embrace life, dissolves fear , and replaces worry with hope!
Faith allows us to confidently walk with God into a future filled with joy; one that can become an extraordinary and amazing adventure .

Grief In Children: What's Normal?

As a family you have just been through a very traumatic situation. You have very little energy; your moods vacillate back and forth between sadness, anger, and depression. You probably are not sleeping well and may be suffering from post-traumatic stress flashbacks. You have so much on your plate and think how am I going wade through this storm? Then it occurs to you, how am I going to help these precious children through this storm? Might be your children, grandchildren, nieces or nephews. What’s normal? What’s not? This is such a lengthy topic there is no way I can cover every angle, but I will share with you my main observations and fruits of all I have read on this subject (see bullet point summary and resource list at the bottom)

What’s normal? Children process grief according to age:

How your children process and express their grief will largely be dependent on their age. Children below age six may not understand the permanence of death. They may ask you over and over when the deceased is coming back. Toddlers may stand at the window while you are preparing supper saying, “Dada? Dada?, expecting dad to return home from work.

Older children may fantasize ways they could have saved their loved one; invented a new drug, donated their own organs. Commonly school aged children blame themselves, thinking that they contributed to the death. These thoughts may be as irrational as the child having sent grandma flowers and the child thinking grandma died because she was allergic to the flowers. The sense of guilt can be resolved by telling the child they are not to blame and explaining what part of the loved one’s body was broken and could not be mended.

While adults tend to stay in a grief cycle or wave for several weeks or months, my experience is children’s grief waves are short and intense. My children may come to me crying, “I miss my daddy. I just wish I could see him.” We hug and five minutes later they are playing and laughing like nothing happened. I also see the time of day they grieve most intensely is at night. The absence of dad from supper and bath routine is the most noticeable. Again, the cycles are intense but brief. They may want to look at scrapbooks for one or two nights before bed to remember daddy and then they are fine.

Help! I feel like my child is regressing!

Almost universally, children regress in development or self-help skills regardless of age. Babies or toddlers may regress in speech or gross motor development. Children who were feeding themselves independently may gesture or ask that you feed them with utensils again.

Elementary age children who were showering independently may ask that you give them a bath. All this is very normal and temporary. I know many of these tasks take more of your energy you already feel you don’t have enough of, but helping them is providing them comfort and security in their world that has been completely turned upside down.

Expect that your children will feel many of the same feelings you do. Initially they may be very clingy, afraid, and insecure. My children became alarmed if I walked into another room and they could not find me in the house. I vividly remember John Davis, then seven, frantically calling for me. When he found me in my closet putting away laundry, he hugged me tight, “Mom, mom, I just didn’t know where you were!” I got in the habit of announcing my next household task to provide them security. “I’m walking outside to put the trash in the can. I’ll be right back.”

Children who previously were social butterflies may shy away from large group gatherings. Just as you are more than likely having high levels of anxiety your children are too.  Anxiety physically means that are central nervous system is in a heightened or alert state. This very fact makes us jumpy and on edge. Loud noises may jolt us out of our seat or we may be more sensitive to touch or light. Children are very much the same. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself saying, “I think my child seems to be autistic.” I have come to see there are very close similarities. Don’t fret! The heightened sensory stage is temporary. You may find your child is suddenly sensitive to tags in their clothes or has a meltdown as you apply lotion after bath. Your child may be sensitive to loud noises (fireworks, children running around playground or party, or even normal classroom noise). Even infants and toddlers show signs of grief. Babies who once slept through the night may start waking up again. Children who were showing signs of being ready to transition to a big bed may suddenly cling to the haven of their crib.

The Sleep Dilemma:

You may find that your child wants to sleep with you. Do what feels right to you. In the initial aftermath of Micah’s death, John David slept with me for 1-2 weeks. After that time I told him he needed to sleep in his bed. I helped him find self-soothing ways for him to be comfortable there. He has spa music to fall asleep to, a fleece blanket for extra softness, and I am still currently lying with him for an extended period of time until he falls asleep. His reward for staying in his bed all week is to get to sleep with me one night on the weekend. I felt God gave me wisdom, as single parents we get so little down time and we need that at night. Also if I allowed either of my children to take up permanent residence in my bed, I may be making trouble for myself and them down the road. If I ever do remarry, I would have to boot them out of the bed which would make them feel displaced and rejected and set up automatic jealousy of the new man in our life.

Grief in school-aged children/teens:

School age children may have difficulty with memory or concentration. They may be forgetful and leave important papers or books needed for assignments at school. In the initial aftermath have grace upon grace. Grief and the fog that accompanies it can really be like having a mild brain injury. Communicate with your child, his teacher, and school counselor to find some effective strategies to help. Your child will continue to process through his grief across his life span, it’s important to meet with teachers, coaches and other staff that are in contact with your child each year to inform them of your family dynamics.

The neurological changes occurring in preteens and teens mimics grief so going through a significant loss at this age can greatly compound their emotions thus making this age group most susceptible to depression, alcohol and drug use. On an encouraging note I have seen school aged children who travel in an extreme positive direction. Sometimes grieving children pour their efforts into academics, sports, or hobbies as a coping strategy or diversion tactic. The trauma they experienced actually became a catalyst and pushed them excel more than if they had never had an emotional struggle.

 

Is this grief OR normal development?

You may also find that your child frequently whines, meltdowns, or has fits of anger. All this is normal for grieving children. Your children are still going to go through normal development stages too so don’t always fall prey to thinking their behavior is due to grief. Our job as parents is to help our children articulate their feelings as best they can and find constructive ways to deal with their emotions.

 Having grace during grief is NOT synonymous with NOT disciplining your children. It seems counterintuitive but grieving children feel like their world is totally out of control. Many times they will act out and push the boundaries with behavior desperately hoping you will show them where the boundaries are to restore order to their world. We need to be sensitive to our grieving children but we are doing a huge disservice to them if we accept bad behavior or habitually excuse their bad behavior because we think it is grief. By excusing their excessive whininess or meltdown as grief we are teaching them that their grief is a crutch and they are not required to have self-control, not responsible for their own words or actions. Grieving children STILL NEED discipline!!!!!

 
Grief over the life span: When to seek help?

Over our life navigating transitions is inevitable; new school year, new coaches, going off to college, getting a job, getting married, having children. For the grieving child transitions can be particularly hard. Transitions may seem scary and cause us to pause and reflect on our life; past present and future. Transition often reopen the suitcase of grief. This is perfectly normal. If your child seems overly anxious, shows signs of disturbed sleep, or depression, you may find seeking out help from the school counselor or private therapist for a short time to ease the transition.

Children who remain withdrawn or will not articulate their feelings for an extended period of time may need counseling. As do children who seem overly obsessed with death or continual say they wish they could die or have had thoughts about hurting themselves. Also children who are scratching, cutting, or harming themselves physically need to seek professional help as well. This type of behavior is indicative of children who are in such emotional pain they are trying to relieve the pain by inflicting physical pain on themselves.

Summary:

1.      Children will process grief according to their age. All children grieve even infants and toddlers show signs of grief.

2.      Normal for children to show regression in self-help skills (sleep, feeding, bathing, etc)

3.      Children in the initial stages of grief show signs of anxiety, fear, and insecurity

4.      Children’s grief waves are short yet intense.

5.      Try to get your child to express emotions verbally rather than behaviorally.

6.      Whining, meltdowns, and fits of anger are normal. Put boundaries on what is acceptable: “You may hit a pillow or the punching bag, but not anyone or destroy any property”

7.      Continue to set firm boundaries and discipline grieving children so the grief itself does not become as crutch or excuse for bad behavior.

8.      Communicate with your child’s teacher and school about your grief. Since your child will continue to process grief over his life make a point to communicate this yearly.

9.      Transitions (new school year, moving, new job) may reopen the suitcase of grief for a child bringing the past hurt up to the present.

10.   Children who are withdrawn, self injurious, or frequently talk of death or suicide need to seek professional care.

 

Guiding Your Child Through Grief by James and Mariann Emswiler

Grief Is A Family Affair by Marilyn Heavilin

The Fence: A lesson in Anger

When peeling back the onion of grief and realizing the many layers to be mourned, often times toxic anger can surface. My family and I have seen anger is many times the culprit for shaking the family tree. As I often tell my children, words are a heart issue. Out of the heart the mouth flows. We must weigh our words. Our words have power. While we can ask for forgiveness the effects our words have on others are lasting. This story illustrates the effects beautifully!

 

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.  The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.  The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.” The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said “I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you.” “Of course I can,” said the father.

God's grace abounds when seething words ring harsh on tongues! May I encourage you today to be an encourager!