Single Parenting: What My Kids Need

                                              
In single parenting mode, you can easily fall prey to the silent partners of grief (fear, anxiety, depression). One of the authors that has had the greatest impact on me during this widow-single parenting season of life is Angela Thomas. She spent part of her life as a single mom to four children. She helped me realize I needed to rise up out of my circumstances and depression and be the best version of me for my kids right now; not in five years but, now. In reevaluating my parenting, I rediscovered my purpose.  I became keenly aware of what my kids need from me and what I wanted to impart to them. And more over that I was more deeply the person I had always been; still on the same life path, same life goals; yet life is vastly different without my partner here.

 Micah and I wrote a family mission statement several years before he died and it sits in a picture frame in our family room. The long thought out words acted as a filter for which we decided which activities for our family to be involved in and helped us remain focused on what truly mattered to us. The mission statement has served as such a comfort since he went to heaven because I realized we are still a family and still THAT family; a family focused on “Breathing in Sabbath Simplicity, striving in all His strength to remain focused and balanced on teaching, training, and raising ambassadors for Christ.”

In reflecting on our family mission, I was lifted up out of the grief fog. Eyes refocused on how God wants us to run this race of life: with purpose, passion, and perseverance. My heart’s desire is not be so caught up in the dailies, too overwhelmed, or too tired that I forget to love my children lavishly and capitalize on the teachable moments to impart what really matters.

I’ve learned my kids need me to :

Wake them up easy and never stop touching them: I used to get aggravated when my oldest would not get up with his alarm. Nagging him only served to start our day on a bad note. He is my physical touch guy and as he’s gotten older finding ways to touch him prove hard. So I decided try and experiment. I slip under the covers with him 5 minutes before his alarm goes off every morning. I rub his back and run fingers through hair and gently sing our “Good morning to you” song. Waking him up easy has revolutionized our mornings and relationship. After he wakes up I repeat the ritual with my girl.

Welcome them home and be fully present: We have the great power in setting the tone for our home. When they get home from school each day I say, “Welcome home!” I try and make sure the house is peaceful. I put the cell phone away and try not to answer texts, or email . During supper, I don’t answer the phone play peaceful music and light candles. We share meaningful conversation:

·        the highs and lows of our day.

·        Did you make any mistakes today ? (I have a tween that will harbor guilt over seemingly small issues to the point he starts feeling shame. So this question is a door for him to confess instead of harbor the feelings)

·        Anything you wish you did differently today?

·        How did you show fruit today (help or encourage a friend?)?

Go beyond the surface and probe their hearts: I find that when lights are out and the day is closing little hearts open. A couple of nights a week I take Andy Stanley’s lead from his book “Choosing to Cheat” (that would be work or family not cheating on your spouse ) and ask these questions at bed time:

·        Is everything okay in your heart?

·        Did anyone hurt your feelings today?

·        Are you mad at anyone?

·        Did anyone break a promise to you?

·        Is there anything I can do for you to make you feel more loved?

Tell them they are treasured: Every night at bed time I tell my kids, “God made you special!” “I’m glad God gave me you!” and “Thanks for being my treasure!” We are their biggest cheerleaders. The world will try and tear them down and teach them self-identity is in what you have or what you do. As parents it’s our job to teach them they are loved and their identity rests in being a child of the Heavenly King.

Speak truth over their life: Often what we hear is what we believe about ourselves and determines our path. Every morning as my kids leave the house, I cup cherub chins in my hands and declare “Do your best! God is going to use you to do mighty things!”

Talk about Dad in the present: Hearts of grieving kids find great delight in hearing stories about the parent that went to heaven. Childhood stories, how mom and dad met, where you went on dates warm their hearts and put smiles on faces. I became aware that Micah is still Micah; he’s just in a different place.  So I try to remember to say. “Daddy loves you!”, “Daddy IS proud of you!”,  “This IS daddy’s favorite meal.”

My kids need me to teach them:

1. Give God our first fruits of everything: our heart, time, and money

2. Have integrity in every situation no matter the cost: our reputation and choices speak volumes. Doing the right thing no matter who may be against you.

3. Be a bucket filler, not a dipper (encourage others)

4. Clothe yourself in God's armor every morning. (Helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth, the shoes of peace, the shield of faith and the sword of the spirit).

5. Display his fruit of the spirit for all you see! You may be the only bible they ever read!

6. Continue to give thanks even in the storms of life so you can choose to be BETTER over BITTER.

Don't grow weary! One day you will reap a harvest if you do not give up!

Until the whole world hears,

Katie