Single Parenting: What My Kids Need

                                              
In single parenting mode, you can easily fall prey to the silent partners of grief (fear, anxiety, depression). One of the authors that has had the greatest impact on me during this widow-single parenting season of life is Angela Thomas. She spent part of her life as a single mom to four children. She helped me realize I needed to rise up out of my circumstances and depression and be the best version of me for my kids right now; not in five years but, now. In reevaluating my parenting, I rediscovered my purpose.  I became keenly aware of what my kids need from me and what I wanted to impart to them. And more over that I was more deeply the person I had always been; still on the same life path, same life goals; yet life is vastly different without my partner here.

 Micah and I wrote a family mission statement several years before he died and it sits in a picture frame in our family room. The long thought out words acted as a filter for which we decided which activities for our family to be involved in and helped us remain focused on what truly mattered to us. The mission statement has served as such a comfort since he went to heaven because I realized we are still a family and still THAT family; a family focused on “Breathing in Sabbath Simplicity, striving in all His strength to remain focused and balanced on teaching, training, and raising ambassadors for Christ.”

In reflecting on our family mission, I was lifted up out of the grief fog. Eyes refocused on how God wants us to run this race of life: with purpose, passion, and perseverance. My heart’s desire is not be so caught up in the dailies, too overwhelmed, or too tired that I forget to love my children lavishly and capitalize on the teachable moments to impart what really matters.

I’ve learned my kids need me to :

Wake them up easy and never stop touching them: I used to get aggravated when my oldest would not get up with his alarm. Nagging him only served to start our day on a bad note. He is my physical touch guy and as he’s gotten older finding ways to touch him prove hard. So I decided try and experiment. I slip under the covers with him 5 minutes before his alarm goes off every morning. I rub his back and run fingers through hair and gently sing our “Good morning to you” song. Waking him up easy has revolutionized our mornings and relationship. After he wakes up I repeat the ritual with my girl.

Welcome them home and be fully present: We have the great power in setting the tone for our home. When they get home from school each day I say, “Welcome home!” I try and make sure the house is peaceful. I put the cell phone away and try not to answer texts, or email . During supper, I don’t answer the phone play peaceful music and light candles. We share meaningful conversation:

·        the highs and lows of our day.

·        Did you make any mistakes today ? (I have a tween that will harbor guilt over seemingly small issues to the point he starts feeling shame. So this question is a door for him to confess instead of harbor the feelings)

·        Anything you wish you did differently today?

·        How did you show fruit today (help or encourage a friend?)?

Go beyond the surface and probe their hearts: I find that when lights are out and the day is closing little hearts open. A couple of nights a week I take Andy Stanley’s lead from his book “Choosing to Cheat” (that would be work or family not cheating on your spouse ) and ask these questions at bed time:

·        Is everything okay in your heart?

·        Did anyone hurt your feelings today?

·        Are you mad at anyone?

·        Did anyone break a promise to you?

·        Is there anything I can do for you to make you feel more loved?

Tell them they are treasured: Every night at bed time I tell my kids, “God made you special!” “I’m glad God gave me you!” and “Thanks for being my treasure!” We are their biggest cheerleaders. The world will try and tear them down and teach them self-identity is in what you have or what you do. As parents it’s our job to teach them they are loved and their identity rests in being a child of the Heavenly King.

Speak truth over their life: Often what we hear is what we believe about ourselves and determines our path. Every morning as my kids leave the house, I cup cherub chins in my hands and declare “Do your best! God is going to use you to do mighty things!”

Talk about Dad in the present: Hearts of grieving kids find great delight in hearing stories about the parent that went to heaven. Childhood stories, how mom and dad met, where you went on dates warm their hearts and put smiles on faces. I became aware that Micah is still Micah; he’s just in a different place.  So I try to remember to say. “Daddy loves you!”, “Daddy IS proud of you!”,  “This IS daddy’s favorite meal.”

My kids need me to teach them:

1. Give God our first fruits of everything: our heart, time, and money

2. Have integrity in every situation no matter the cost: our reputation and choices speak volumes. Doing the right thing no matter who may be against you.

3. Be a bucket filler, not a dipper (encourage others)

4. Clothe yourself in God's armor every morning. (Helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth, the shoes of peace, the shield of faith and the sword of the spirit).

5. Display his fruit of the spirit for all you see! You may be the only bible they ever read!

6. Continue to give thanks even in the storms of life so you can choose to be BETTER over BITTER.

Don't grow weary! One day you will reap a harvest if you do not give up!

Until the whole world hears,

Katie

Single Parenting: Avoiding Pitfalls

Parenting is a monumental task when two people are involved; single parenting often feels overwhelming and sometimes like an impossibility.  In my grieving process, single parenting has been the hardest part to finally accept. Whether you find yourself as a single parent because of divorce, death, or incarceration the road can feel windy and lonely. Over the past few years, I have seen these help avoid pitfalls:

1.      Keep changes minimal: for logistical or financial reasons you may need to relocate across town or across the county. Whatever aspects of life you can keep the same the better; school, church, friends etc. Routine and familiarity particularly help grieving children feel secure and safe.

2.      Set boundaries: Grieving children will push boundaries even more than normally developing children. They are crying out for you to show them limits. Boundaries make them feel a sense of security in their world that has been flip-turned upside down. Your children need compassion yet, realize if every misbehavior is dismissed as grief it can become a crutch. Realize if boundaries with meltdown, tantrums, or angry outbursts are not given you are creating a child who manipulates others with their behavior. Compassionate discipline teaches the child how to exercise self-control and deal with emotions in a healthy manner.

3.      Sleep on a decision: Making decisions solo may be one of the hardest parts of your new life. Put off making any major decisions for a while. The fog of grief can greatly affect your decisiveness. You will need to form a new support system of people you can trust to give you wise counsel. When making a decision consider your options and then sleep on it, mull it over. Don’t revert to asking your young children to help make decisions they are not yet mature enough to make (move? Not to move?, where to go to church, where the kids should go to school).

 

4.  Fill the chairs: In your new life many things have changed. Miriam Neff in "From One Widow to Another" describes having a new board of directors. These are your support team and network. The chairs in your board room help you make decisions and complete daily living tasks. In your chairs may be: friends, family, childcare providers, financial advisor, pastor, lawyer, handy man, mechanic.

5.    Replacing: This is the act of compensating or substituting for your loss. Many times in the early stages of grief replacing occurs in unhealthy ways: alcohol, drugs, shopping, over eating, relationships. In some cases, I have seen a person date someone who physically resembles their deceased spouse within a few months and marry only to greatly regret it later as they had not fully grieved. You can also replace in healthy ways: exercise, take up a new hobby, join a support group.

6.  Wait to Date: You and your family have been through significant trauma. You need time to heal to rediscover your identity. You have grown and changed since you got married. Whether you are now single due to death or divorce take the time to evaluate the positive and negative aspects you brought to the marriage. You will know when you are ready when you feel content being on your own and you can stand on your own two feet. Then you will be looking for companionship rather than someone to save you. Dating out of neediness and dating too soon means bringing your suitcase of grief with you before it’s all unpacked.

 

7. Work smarter not harder: If you were used to doing life the Martha Stuart way adjust your expectations of yourself and adapt to being Sandra Lee instead; semi-homemade.

Do not grow weary in well doing for in due time you shall reap a harvest if you do not give up! Galatians 6:9 Persevere my friend! The road may be long, but the reward will be great! You reap what you sow, more than you sow, and later than you sow!

Grief In Children: What's Normal?

As a family you have just been through a very traumatic situation. You have very little energy; your moods vacillate back and forth between sadness, anger, and depression. You probably are not sleeping well and may be suffering from post-traumatic stress flashbacks. You have so much on your plate and think how am I going wade through this storm? Then it occurs to you, how am I going to help these precious children through this storm? Might be your children, grandchildren, nieces or nephews. What’s normal? What’s not? This is such a lengthy topic there is no way I can cover every angle, but I will share with you my main observations and fruits of all I have read on this subject (see bullet point summary and resource list at the bottom)

What’s normal? Children process grief according to age:

How your children process and express their grief will largely be dependent on their age. Children below age six may not understand the permanence of death. They may ask you over and over when the deceased is coming back. Toddlers may stand at the window while you are preparing supper saying, “Dada? Dada?, expecting dad to return home from work.

Older children may fantasize ways they could have saved their loved one; invented a new drug, donated their own organs. Commonly school aged children blame themselves, thinking that they contributed to the death. These thoughts may be as irrational as the child having sent grandma flowers and the child thinking grandma died because she was allergic to the flowers. The sense of guilt can be resolved by telling the child they are not to blame and explaining what part of the loved one’s body was broken and could not be mended.

While adults tend to stay in a grief cycle or wave for several weeks or months, my experience is children’s grief waves are short and intense. My children may come to me crying, “I miss my daddy. I just wish I could see him.” We hug and five minutes later they are playing and laughing like nothing happened. I also see the time of day they grieve most intensely is at night. The absence of dad from supper and bath routine is the most noticeable. Again, the cycles are intense but brief. They may want to look at scrapbooks for one or two nights before bed to remember daddy and then they are fine.

Help! I feel like my child is regressing!

Almost universally, children regress in development or self-help skills regardless of age. Babies or toddlers may regress in speech or gross motor development. Children who were feeding themselves independently may gesture or ask that you feed them with utensils again.

Elementary age children who were showering independently may ask that you give them a bath. All this is very normal and temporary. I know many of these tasks take more of your energy you already feel you don’t have enough of, but helping them is providing them comfort and security in their world that has been completely turned upside down.

Expect that your children will feel many of the same feelings you do. Initially they may be very clingy, afraid, and insecure. My children became alarmed if I walked into another room and they could not find me in the house. I vividly remember John Davis, then seven, frantically calling for me. When he found me in my closet putting away laundry, he hugged me tight, “Mom, mom, I just didn’t know where you were!” I got in the habit of announcing my next household task to provide them security. “I’m walking outside to put the trash in the can. I’ll be right back.”

Children who previously were social butterflies may shy away from large group gatherings. Just as you are more than likely having high levels of anxiety your children are too.  Anxiety physically means that are central nervous system is in a heightened or alert state. This very fact makes us jumpy and on edge. Loud noises may jolt us out of our seat or we may be more sensitive to touch or light. Children are very much the same. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself saying, “I think my child seems to be autistic.” I have come to see there are very close similarities. Don’t fret! The heightened sensory stage is temporary. You may find your child is suddenly sensitive to tags in their clothes or has a meltdown as you apply lotion after bath. Your child may be sensitive to loud noises (fireworks, children running around playground or party, or even normal classroom noise). Even infants and toddlers show signs of grief. Babies who once slept through the night may start waking up again. Children who were showing signs of being ready to transition to a big bed may suddenly cling to the haven of their crib.

The Sleep Dilemma:

You may find that your child wants to sleep with you. Do what feels right to you. In the initial aftermath of Micah’s death, John David slept with me for 1-2 weeks. After that time I told him he needed to sleep in his bed. I helped him find self-soothing ways for him to be comfortable there. He has spa music to fall asleep to, a fleece blanket for extra softness, and I am still currently lying with him for an extended period of time until he falls asleep. His reward for staying in his bed all week is to get to sleep with me one night on the weekend. I felt God gave me wisdom, as single parents we get so little down time and we need that at night. Also if I allowed either of my children to take up permanent residence in my bed, I may be making trouble for myself and them down the road. If I ever do remarry, I would have to boot them out of the bed which would make them feel displaced and rejected and set up automatic jealousy of the new man in our life.

Grief in school-aged children/teens:

School age children may have difficulty with memory or concentration. They may be forgetful and leave important papers or books needed for assignments at school. In the initial aftermath have grace upon grace. Grief and the fog that accompanies it can really be like having a mild brain injury. Communicate with your child, his teacher, and school counselor to find some effective strategies to help. Your child will continue to process through his grief across his life span, it’s important to meet with teachers, coaches and other staff that are in contact with your child each year to inform them of your family dynamics.

The neurological changes occurring in preteens and teens mimics grief so going through a significant loss at this age can greatly compound their emotions thus making this age group most susceptible to depression, alcohol and drug use. On an encouraging note I have seen school aged children who travel in an extreme positive direction. Sometimes grieving children pour their efforts into academics, sports, or hobbies as a coping strategy or diversion tactic. The trauma they experienced actually became a catalyst and pushed them excel more than if they had never had an emotional struggle.

 

Is this grief OR normal development?

You may also find that your child frequently whines, meltdowns, or has fits of anger. All this is normal for grieving children. Your children are still going to go through normal development stages too so don’t always fall prey to thinking their behavior is due to grief. Our job as parents is to help our children articulate their feelings as best they can and find constructive ways to deal with their emotions.

 Having grace during grief is NOT synonymous with NOT disciplining your children. It seems counterintuitive but grieving children feel like their world is totally out of control. Many times they will act out and push the boundaries with behavior desperately hoping you will show them where the boundaries are to restore order to their world. We need to be sensitive to our grieving children but we are doing a huge disservice to them if we accept bad behavior or habitually excuse their bad behavior because we think it is grief. By excusing their excessive whininess or meltdown as grief we are teaching them that their grief is a crutch and they are not required to have self-control, not responsible for their own words or actions. Grieving children STILL NEED discipline!!!!!

 
Grief over the life span: When to seek help?

Over our life navigating transitions is inevitable; new school year, new coaches, going off to college, getting a job, getting married, having children. For the grieving child transitions can be particularly hard. Transitions may seem scary and cause us to pause and reflect on our life; past present and future. Transition often reopen the suitcase of grief. This is perfectly normal. If your child seems overly anxious, shows signs of disturbed sleep, or depression, you may find seeking out help from the school counselor or private therapist for a short time to ease the transition.

Children who remain withdrawn or will not articulate their feelings for an extended period of time may need counseling. As do children who seem overly obsessed with death or continual say they wish they could die or have had thoughts about hurting themselves. Also children who are scratching, cutting, or harming themselves physically need to seek professional help as well. This type of behavior is indicative of children who are in such emotional pain they are trying to relieve the pain by inflicting physical pain on themselves.

Summary:

1.      Children will process grief according to their age. All children grieve even infants and toddlers show signs of grief.

2.      Normal for children to show regression in self-help skills (sleep, feeding, bathing, etc)

3.      Children in the initial stages of grief show signs of anxiety, fear, and insecurity

4.      Children’s grief waves are short yet intense.

5.      Try to get your child to express emotions verbally rather than behaviorally.

6.      Whining, meltdowns, and fits of anger are normal. Put boundaries on what is acceptable: “You may hit a pillow or the punching bag, but not anyone or destroy any property”

7.      Continue to set firm boundaries and discipline grieving children so the grief itself does not become as crutch or excuse for bad behavior.

8.      Communicate with your child’s teacher and school about your grief. Since your child will continue to process grief over his life make a point to communicate this yearly.

9.      Transitions (new school year, moving, new job) may reopen the suitcase of grief for a child bringing the past hurt up to the present.

10.   Children who are withdrawn, self injurious, or frequently talk of death or suicide need to seek professional care.

 

Guiding Your Child Through Grief by James and Mariann Emswiler

Grief Is A Family Affair by Marilyn Heavilin

Should my child attend visitation? funeral?

Whether your child attends visitation (or a wake) and or funeral may depend on a couple of things.
1. Your child's relationship to the person who died.
2. Your child's age.
3. Nature of the death

Many times parents try to shield children from the sting of death. Allowing your child to attend visitation of a mother or father or close grandparent is helpful in the grieving process. Children under the age of 7 often cannot understand the idea that death is permanent. Attending the viewing helps the child understand the death truly occurred,  and to have a chance to say good-bye. Since grief is universal, if the deceased is a friend you may discern taking your child to the funeral or visitation may be a way to expose your child to grief before the child experiences a close death in the family. The nature of the death may influence your decision of allowing your child to attend the viewing, death by suicide, murder, or car accident is different than someone who died of natural causes because of the conversations your child may over hear while in attendance.

When my husband died our son was 7. He and I had a private viewing just the two of us. He handled it with more maturity and tenderness than I ever imagined. We talked about visitation and the funeral to gauge what he felt comfortable attending. He attended the visitation where he sat and played his hand held video game and welcomed his teacher and classmates when they came over to speak to him. Often times children of the deceased become only spectators at visitation and funeral. Friends and family hurt for them so badly and feel they should not approach them, which only deepens the wounds because they feel their loss is not recognized. My son also attended the funeral. He sat in my reach on the row behind me with two of his classmates and their parents. He left the church with his friends and went to get ice cream. He wanted nothing to do with the graveside service. To this day he has not visited the cemetery, that part is to morbid for his little mind to entertain and that is perfectly fine!

My daughter was 22 months when my husband died. I have read some resources that say no child is too young to benefit from attending visitation. As her mother, I discerned differently. I knew she would not understand seeing her dad in the coffin, that she would think he was sleeping and might even pat him and tell him to wake up. Plus, she is a handful and I would have been chasing her around or holding her rather than greeting friends and family.

To answer the question, there is no right or wrong do what is right for your family and situation.

Explaining Death to Children

When my husband died our son was 7 and our daughter was 22 months.  Preparing to tell my son that his dad was dead was one of the hardest tasks, yet God gave me wisdom. As we had been living in and out of ICU for several weeks, I did not have time to read on childhood grief. Sadly there is not a ton of resources out there, but I will share a resource list in a later post.

Often times we put our own spin on death and dread how we anticipate children will react. When my son's teacher told his class they were sad for their classmate and yet got really excited, "You mean he is IN heaven. You mean he is with Paul Bunyan and Superman? Cool!" Stay away from giving the child more information than he/she needs or can handle. Be child directed and answer questions as they ask honestly and without too much detail.

How your child is able to comprehend and processes death will depend mostly on his age. Children are also very literal. When initially telling a child about a death, refrain from using the words TAKEN and LOST:
TAKEN to a child means someone was snatched and they might be snatched too.
LOST implies the person can be found like a lost toy.

Some words to use:
INVITED: I told my son, "God invited Daddy to come live at his house."
BROKEN: People die because some part of the body did not function properly any more. Children can understand broken.

Two visual aides I have found useful when telling children about death:
FLASHLIGHT: turn the flashlight on, then take out the batteries to show the light will not shine without the batteries much like a person who has died. The heart and spirit of a person is what keeps them alive.
PEANUT: the inside represents our soul/spirit and when a person dies the body is the "shell" that remains.

Example of an initial explanation  of a loved ones death:
(parent) Timmy do you remember Aunt Betty?
(child)Yes.
(parent) Aunt Betty's heart quit working today.
(child) Quit working?
(parent) Yes, our heart pumps blood all around our body and without a heart our body is broken. God invited Aunt Betty to come live at His house where she is healed, whole,  and has a new body. I am really going to miss her.

Finally, children often irrationally believe that the death is in some way their fault or that they caused the death to happen. Some children may have said, "I wish you were dead", not long before the death. I have read of some children who have sent terminally ill loved ones gifts and the child thought the gift may have caused them to die. Reassure your child that they did not cause the death.

When Grief Comes Knocking: Practical Care Tips

Care tips:

1.    Call family and offer to keep children while family goes to make funeral arrangements, during visitation or funeral.

2.    Offer to stay at the house during visitation and funeral (sadly homes are often targeted for burglaries during this time since obituaries are in the paper)

3.    Have a sign up sheet for those people that say, “If I can do anything to help, let me know.” And what they are willing to help with (yard work, home repairs, childcare) Many days once I knew what I needed help with I could not remember who offered or didn’t know how to get in touch with them.

4.    Provide a Memory box: Tues morning, Hobby Lobby have pretty boxes that can be used to put cards and other memories in so they are not laying out as a painful reminder.

5.    Don’t assume that if there is family close by that they are able to be caregivers. Many times they are so lost in their own grief they are not able to be around to provide help and care.

6.    Send card: Use caution in using scripture in the early stages of grief. Scripture about God’s will comes across as being very preachy and trite in the midst of intense pain.  I think many times people think that the bereaved person may be having a good day and sending a card may bring up more grief, but from the people I know their grief is always on their mind and it makes them feel good when people remember them otherwise they feel their pain has been forgotten or that people think they should be over their loss.

7. Do still invite the surviving spouse to outings or over for parties. They may decline, but most widows I know feel they have lost most if not all of their couple friends. They still feel very married and don't feel like a 3rd wheel when with couple friends.

8.    Help the surviving spouse face the everyday realities: what was helpful for me

·       Providing Food—especially helpful when people invited us over to their house for supper. That way the kids had playmates, there was fellowship, and we were not sitting at our kitchen table noticing there were only 3 of us instead of 4.

·       Professionals services: lawyers, accountants, insurance agents

·       Someone to organize consistent yard work/home repair day/ cleaning days

·       Gift cards (resturants, grocery store, massage, pedicures ( you have lost physical touch which is a great way to heal the body and treat anxiety), Super Suds, cleaning lady, yard man)

·       Someone to help me make a list of all estate business to tackle.

·       Someone to call pharmacy and medical equipment to arrange for equipment to be returned and locate other patients who could use medications.

·       People offering to keep the kids. I had lot so appointments to take care of estate business. And had some friends who would watch my kids while I went to the grocery store. Wish I had someone at visitation make a list of who volunteered to help with the kids and do a “childcare train” b/c my brain was fried an on the days I was about to melt down I could not think of who to call. And knowing I was going to get regular breaks would have been great!

·       Someone to call medical equipment store and arrange for equipment to be returned.

·       A father/mother or big brother/big sister figure to commit to spend regular time with children.

·       An exercise partner: someone to commit to walking or aerobics. Get two benefits, someone to talk to and endorphins are one of the best neurological ways to combat depression/anxiety.

·       Being there: Grieving people need REGULAR and CONSISTENT help and care over a LONG period of time. Ask the grieving person to make a list of their top concerns and call back within the week to find out what they are and help them figure out how/who can help accomplish those tasks.

 

 

 

Grief: Moving Beyond "Pop and Drop"

Grief defined: deep and poignant distress caused by bereavement, a cause of suffering, an unfortunate outcome (no joke!), disaster, mishap, misadventure (yes! I’ll agree it’s quite a ride, one I would not choose to get on!)

Grief can be caused by many life events, loss of job, infertility, suicide, relocation, miscarriage, deployment, accident, premature delivery, child being diagnosed with a disability, a rebellious teen, unexpected illness, and death. If we all experience grief at some season in our lives, why aren’t we taught how to deal with grief or help others in grief? Why is our culture mostly devoid of talking about the intense pain and emotions that come when grief breezes through the door? I firmly believe our churches and small group leaders would greatly benefit on regular training in this area.

If the corporate body of believers are truly going to be the hands and feet of Jesus we have to get past “the pop and drop” syndrome. Most of the time we pop a casserole in the oven, drop it off at the bereaving family’s house, say I’m sorry for your loss and ride off in the sunset and return to our daily routines. As a corporate body we truly mean well. Perhaps the church has not been taught how TO BE THE CHURCH! Please don’t mistake that I am saying meals do not help in times of loss, they certainly are. If we are truly to comfort one another in time of suffering, we have to get past “pop and drop” and provide consistent and ongoing outreach to the grieving. I am so thankful that God has provided me with my healing people during this season.

Should we then drop all the balls we juggle in our lives and completely dedicate our lives to consoling the grieving? Let’s take a closer look into scripture about helping those in need. In Luke 10 Jesus begins by instructing that we are to: love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind and love your neighbor as yourself. And then he speaks of a man who was severely beaten by robbers and left on the side of the road. Others passed him by, but a Samaritan man stopped, bandaged his wounds, gave him transportation (on his donkey) into town to an inn. Then Samaritan man left the inn keeper with funds to take care of the man saying he would return and pay for any additional expenses he needed.

So what am I supposed to glean from this passage? So glad you asked. The Samaritan man helped the wounded, but he continued on his travels to take care of his business. He also gave his word he would return to check on him. The Samaritan did NOT abandon the rest of his calling while taking care of someone in need. If we will listen, God will tell us how to help the grieving, when to help the grieving, and how much to help the grieving.

“Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.” (Mark 4:9) “ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way walk in it” (Isaiah 30:21)