When Grief Comes Knocking: Practical Care Tips

Care tips:

1.    Call family and offer to keep children while family goes to make funeral arrangements, during visitation or funeral.

2.    Offer to stay at the house during visitation and funeral (sadly homes are often targeted for burglaries during this time since obituaries are in the paper)

3.    Have a sign up sheet for those people that say, “If I can do anything to help, let me know.” And what they are willing to help with (yard work, home repairs, childcare) Many days once I knew what I needed help with I could not remember who offered or didn’t know how to get in touch with them.

4.    Provide a Memory box: Tues morning, Hobby Lobby have pretty boxes that can be used to put cards and other memories in so they are not laying out as a painful reminder.

5.    Don’t assume that if there is family close by that they are able to be caregivers. Many times they are so lost in their own grief they are not able to be around to provide help and care.

6.    Send card: Use caution in using scripture in the early stages of grief. Scripture about God’s will comes across as being very preachy and trite in the midst of intense pain.  I think many times people think that the bereaved person may be having a good day and sending a card may bring up more grief, but from the people I know their grief is always on their mind and it makes them feel good when people remember them otherwise they feel their pain has been forgotten or that people think they should be over their loss.

7. Do still invite the surviving spouse to outings or over for parties. They may decline, but most widows I know feel they have lost most if not all of their couple friends. They still feel very married and don't feel like a 3rd wheel when with couple friends.

8.    Help the surviving spouse face the everyday realities: what was helpful for me

·       Providing Food—especially helpful when people invited us over to their house for supper. That way the kids had playmates, there was fellowship, and we were not sitting at our kitchen table noticing there were only 3 of us instead of 4.

·       Professionals services: lawyers, accountants, insurance agents

·       Someone to organize consistent yard work/home repair day/ cleaning days

·       Gift cards (resturants, grocery store, massage, pedicures ( you have lost physical touch which is a great way to heal the body and treat anxiety), Super Suds, cleaning lady, yard man)

·       Someone to help me make a list of all estate business to tackle.

·       Someone to call pharmacy and medical equipment to arrange for equipment to be returned and locate other patients who could use medications.

·       People offering to keep the kids. I had lot so appointments to take care of estate business. And had some friends who would watch my kids while I went to the grocery store. Wish I had someone at visitation make a list of who volunteered to help with the kids and do a “childcare train” b/c my brain was fried an on the days I was about to melt down I could not think of who to call. And knowing I was going to get regular breaks would have been great!

·       Someone to call medical equipment store and arrange for equipment to be returned.

·       A father/mother or big brother/big sister figure to commit to spend regular time with children.

·       An exercise partner: someone to commit to walking or aerobics. Get two benefits, someone to talk to and endorphins are one of the best neurological ways to combat depression/anxiety.

·       Being there: Grieving people need REGULAR and CONSISTENT help and care over a LONG period of time. Ask the grieving person to make a list of their top concerns and call back within the week to find out what they are and help them figure out how/who can help accomplish those tasks.