Grief In Children: What's Normal?

As a family you have just been through a very traumatic situation. You have very little energy; your moods vacillate back and forth between sadness, anger, and depression. You probably are not sleeping well and may be suffering from post-traumatic stress flashbacks. You have so much on your plate and think how am I going wade through this storm? Then it occurs to you, how am I going to help these precious children through this storm? Might be your children, grandchildren, nieces or nephews. What’s normal? What’s not? This is such a lengthy topic there is no way I can cover every angle, but I will share with you my main observations and fruits of all I have read on this subject (see bullet point summary and resource list at the bottom)

What’s normal? Children process grief according to age:

How your children process and express their grief will largely be dependent on their age. Children below age six may not understand the permanence of death. They may ask you over and over when the deceased is coming back. Toddlers may stand at the window while you are preparing supper saying, “Dada? Dada?, expecting dad to return home from work.

Older children may fantasize ways they could have saved their loved one; invented a new drug, donated their own organs. Commonly school aged children blame themselves, thinking that they contributed to the death. These thoughts may be as irrational as the child having sent grandma flowers and the child thinking grandma died because she was allergic to the flowers. The sense of guilt can be resolved by telling the child they are not to blame and explaining what part of the loved one’s body was broken and could not be mended.

While adults tend to stay in a grief cycle or wave for several weeks or months, my experience is children’s grief waves are short and intense. My children may come to me crying, “I miss my daddy. I just wish I could see him.” We hug and five minutes later they are playing and laughing like nothing happened. I also see the time of day they grieve most intensely is at night. The absence of dad from supper and bath routine is the most noticeable. Again, the cycles are intense but brief. They may want to look at scrapbooks for one or two nights before bed to remember daddy and then they are fine.

Help! I feel like my child is regressing!

Almost universally, children regress in development or self-help skills regardless of age. Babies or toddlers may regress in speech or gross motor development. Children who were feeding themselves independently may gesture or ask that you feed them with utensils again.

Elementary age children who were showering independently may ask that you give them a bath. All this is very normal and temporary. I know many of these tasks take more of your energy you already feel you don’t have enough of, but helping them is providing them comfort and security in their world that has been completely turned upside down.

Expect that your children will feel many of the same feelings you do. Initially they may be very clingy, afraid, and insecure. My children became alarmed if I walked into another room and they could not find me in the house. I vividly remember John Davis, then seven, frantically calling for me. When he found me in my closet putting away laundry, he hugged me tight, “Mom, mom, I just didn’t know where you were!” I got in the habit of announcing my next household task to provide them security. “I’m walking outside to put the trash in the can. I’ll be right back.”

Children who previously were social butterflies may shy away from large group gatherings. Just as you are more than likely having high levels of anxiety your children are too.  Anxiety physically means that are central nervous system is in a heightened or alert state. This very fact makes us jumpy and on edge. Loud noises may jolt us out of our seat or we may be more sensitive to touch or light. Children are very much the same. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself saying, “I think my child seems to be autistic.” I have come to see there are very close similarities. Don’t fret! The heightened sensory stage is temporary. You may find your child is suddenly sensitive to tags in their clothes or has a meltdown as you apply lotion after bath. Your child may be sensitive to loud noises (fireworks, children running around playground or party, or even normal classroom noise). Even infants and toddlers show signs of grief. Babies who once slept through the night may start waking up again. Children who were showing signs of being ready to transition to a big bed may suddenly cling to the haven of their crib.

The Sleep Dilemma:

You may find that your child wants to sleep with you. Do what feels right to you. In the initial aftermath of Micah’s death, John David slept with me for 1-2 weeks. After that time I told him he needed to sleep in his bed. I helped him find self-soothing ways for him to be comfortable there. He has spa music to fall asleep to, a fleece blanket for extra softness, and I am still currently lying with him for an extended period of time until he falls asleep. His reward for staying in his bed all week is to get to sleep with me one night on the weekend. I felt God gave me wisdom, as single parents we get so little down time and we need that at night. Also if I allowed either of my children to take up permanent residence in my bed, I may be making trouble for myself and them down the road. If I ever do remarry, I would have to boot them out of the bed which would make them feel displaced and rejected and set up automatic jealousy of the new man in our life.

Grief in school-aged children/teens:

School age children may have difficulty with memory or concentration. They may be forgetful and leave important papers or books needed for assignments at school. In the initial aftermath have grace upon grace. Grief and the fog that accompanies it can really be like having a mild brain injury. Communicate with your child, his teacher, and school counselor to find some effective strategies to help. Your child will continue to process through his grief across his life span, it’s important to meet with teachers, coaches and other staff that are in contact with your child each year to inform them of your family dynamics.

The neurological changes occurring in preteens and teens mimics grief so going through a significant loss at this age can greatly compound their emotions thus making this age group most susceptible to depression, alcohol and drug use. On an encouraging note I have seen school aged children who travel in an extreme positive direction. Sometimes grieving children pour their efforts into academics, sports, or hobbies as a coping strategy or diversion tactic. The trauma they experienced actually became a catalyst and pushed them excel more than if they had never had an emotional struggle.

 

Is this grief OR normal development?

You may also find that your child frequently whines, meltdowns, or has fits of anger. All this is normal for grieving children. Your children are still going to go through normal development stages too so don’t always fall prey to thinking their behavior is due to grief. Our job as parents is to help our children articulate their feelings as best they can and find constructive ways to deal with their emotions.

 Having grace during grief is NOT synonymous with NOT disciplining your children. It seems counterintuitive but grieving children feel like their world is totally out of control. Many times they will act out and push the boundaries with behavior desperately hoping you will show them where the boundaries are to restore order to their world. We need to be sensitive to our grieving children but we are doing a huge disservice to them if we accept bad behavior or habitually excuse their bad behavior because we think it is grief. By excusing their excessive whininess or meltdown as grief we are teaching them that their grief is a crutch and they are not required to have self-control, not responsible for their own words or actions. Grieving children STILL NEED discipline!!!!!

 
Grief over the life span: When to seek help?

Over our life navigating transitions is inevitable; new school year, new coaches, going off to college, getting a job, getting married, having children. For the grieving child transitions can be particularly hard. Transitions may seem scary and cause us to pause and reflect on our life; past present and future. Transition often reopen the suitcase of grief. This is perfectly normal. If your child seems overly anxious, shows signs of disturbed sleep, or depression, you may find seeking out help from the school counselor or private therapist for a short time to ease the transition.

Children who remain withdrawn or will not articulate their feelings for an extended period of time may need counseling. As do children who seem overly obsessed with death or continual say they wish they could die or have had thoughts about hurting themselves. Also children who are scratching, cutting, or harming themselves physically need to seek professional help as well. This type of behavior is indicative of children who are in such emotional pain they are trying to relieve the pain by inflicting physical pain on themselves.

Summary:

1.      Children will process grief according to their age. All children grieve even infants and toddlers show signs of grief.

2.      Normal for children to show regression in self-help skills (sleep, feeding, bathing, etc)

3.      Children in the initial stages of grief show signs of anxiety, fear, and insecurity

4.      Children’s grief waves are short yet intense.

5.      Try to get your child to express emotions verbally rather than behaviorally.

6.      Whining, meltdowns, and fits of anger are normal. Put boundaries on what is acceptable: “You may hit a pillow or the punching bag, but not anyone or destroy any property”

7.      Continue to set firm boundaries and discipline grieving children so the grief itself does not become as crutch or excuse for bad behavior.

8.      Communicate with your child’s teacher and school about your grief. Since your child will continue to process grief over his life make a point to communicate this yearly.

9.      Transitions (new school year, moving, new job) may reopen the suitcase of grief for a child bringing the past hurt up to the present.

10.   Children who are withdrawn, self injurious, or frequently talk of death or suicide need to seek professional care.

 

Guiding Your Child Through Grief by James and Mariann Emswiler

Grief Is A Family Affair by Marilyn Heavilin

Should my child attend visitation? funeral?

Whether your child attends visitation (or a wake) and or funeral may depend on a couple of things.
1. Your child's relationship to the person who died.
2. Your child's age.
3. Nature of the death

Many times parents try to shield children from the sting of death. Allowing your child to attend visitation of a mother or father or close grandparent is helpful in the grieving process. Children under the age of 7 often cannot understand the idea that death is permanent. Attending the viewing helps the child understand the death truly occurred,  and to have a chance to say good-bye. Since grief is universal, if the deceased is a friend you may discern taking your child to the funeral or visitation may be a way to expose your child to grief before the child experiences a close death in the family. The nature of the death may influence your decision of allowing your child to attend the viewing, death by suicide, murder, or car accident is different than someone who died of natural causes because of the conversations your child may over hear while in attendance.

When my husband died our son was 7. He and I had a private viewing just the two of us. He handled it with more maturity and tenderness than I ever imagined. We talked about visitation and the funeral to gauge what he felt comfortable attending. He attended the visitation where he sat and played his hand held video game and welcomed his teacher and classmates when they came over to speak to him. Often times children of the deceased become only spectators at visitation and funeral. Friends and family hurt for them so badly and feel they should not approach them, which only deepens the wounds because they feel their loss is not recognized. My son also attended the funeral. He sat in my reach on the row behind me with two of his classmates and their parents. He left the church with his friends and went to get ice cream. He wanted nothing to do with the graveside service. To this day he has not visited the cemetery, that part is to morbid for his little mind to entertain and that is perfectly fine!

My daughter was 22 months when my husband died. I have read some resources that say no child is too young to benefit from attending visitation. As her mother, I discerned differently. I knew she would not understand seeing her dad in the coffin, that she would think he was sleeping and might even pat him and tell him to wake up. Plus, she is a handful and I would have been chasing her around or holding her rather than greeting friends and family.

To answer the question, there is no right or wrong do what is right for your family and situation.

Explaining Death to Children

When my husband died our son was 7 and our daughter was 22 months.  Preparing to tell my son that his dad was dead was one of the hardest tasks, yet God gave me wisdom. As we had been living in and out of ICU for several weeks, I did not have time to read on childhood grief. Sadly there is not a ton of resources out there, but I will share a resource list in a later post.

Often times we put our own spin on death and dread how we anticipate children will react. When my son's teacher told his class they were sad for their classmate and yet got really excited, "You mean he is IN heaven. You mean he is with Paul Bunyan and Superman? Cool!" Stay away from giving the child more information than he/she needs or can handle. Be child directed and answer questions as they ask honestly and without too much detail.

How your child is able to comprehend and processes death will depend mostly on his age. Children are also very literal. When initially telling a child about a death, refrain from using the words TAKEN and LOST:
TAKEN to a child means someone was snatched and they might be snatched too.
LOST implies the person can be found like a lost toy.

Some words to use:
INVITED: I told my son, "God invited Daddy to come live at his house."
BROKEN: People die because some part of the body did not function properly any more. Children can understand broken.

Two visual aides I have found useful when telling children about death:
FLASHLIGHT: turn the flashlight on, then take out the batteries to show the light will not shine without the batteries much like a person who has died. The heart and spirit of a person is what keeps them alive.
PEANUT: the inside represents our soul/spirit and when a person dies the body is the "shell" that remains.

Example of an initial explanation  of a loved ones death:
(parent) Timmy do you remember Aunt Betty?
(child)Yes.
(parent) Aunt Betty's heart quit working today.
(child) Quit working?
(parent) Yes, our heart pumps blood all around our body and without a heart our body is broken. God invited Aunt Betty to come live at His house where she is healed, whole,  and has a new body. I am really going to miss her.

Finally, children often irrationally believe that the death is in some way their fault or that they caused the death to happen. Some children may have said, "I wish you were dead", not long before the death. I have read of some children who have sent terminally ill loved ones gifts and the child thought the gift may have caused them to die. Reassure your child that they did not cause the death.