Single Parenting: Avoiding Pitfalls

Parenting is a monumental task when two people are involved; single parenting often feels overwhelming and sometimes like an impossibility.  In my grieving process, single parenting has been the hardest part to finally accept. Whether you find yourself as a single parent because of divorce, death, or incarceration the road can feel windy and lonely. Over the past few years, I have seen these help avoid pitfalls:

1.      Keep changes minimal: for logistical or financial reasons you may need to relocate across town or across the county. Whatever aspects of life you can keep the same the better; school, church, friends etc. Routine and familiarity particularly help grieving children feel secure and safe.

2.      Set boundaries: Grieving children will push boundaries even more than normally developing children. They are crying out for you to show them limits. Boundaries make them feel a sense of security in their world that has been flip-turned upside down. Your children need compassion yet, realize if every misbehavior is dismissed as grief it can become a crutch. Realize if boundaries with meltdown, tantrums, or angry outbursts are not given you are creating a child who manipulates others with their behavior. Compassionate discipline teaches the child how to exercise self-control and deal with emotions in a healthy manner.

3.      Sleep on a decision: Making decisions solo may be one of the hardest parts of your new life. Put off making any major decisions for a while. The fog of grief can greatly affect your decisiveness. You will need to form a new support system of people you can trust to give you wise counsel. When making a decision consider your options and then sleep on it, mull it over. Don’t revert to asking your young children to help make decisions they are not yet mature enough to make (move? Not to move?, where to go to church, where the kids should go to school).

 

4.  Fill the chairs: In your new life many things have changed. Miriam Neff in "From One Widow to Another" describes having a new board of directors. These are your support team and network. The chairs in your board room help you make decisions and complete daily living tasks. In your chairs may be: friends, family, childcare providers, financial advisor, pastor, lawyer, handy man, mechanic.

5.    Replacing: This is the act of compensating or substituting for your loss. Many times in the early stages of grief replacing occurs in unhealthy ways: alcohol, drugs, shopping, over eating, relationships. In some cases, I have seen a person date someone who physically resembles their deceased spouse within a few months and marry only to greatly regret it later as they had not fully grieved. You can also replace in healthy ways: exercise, take up a new hobby, join a support group.

6.  Wait to Date: You and your family have been through significant trauma. You need time to heal to rediscover your identity. You have grown and changed since you got married. Whether you are now single due to death or divorce take the time to evaluate the positive and negative aspects you brought to the marriage. You will know when you are ready when you feel content being on your own and you can stand on your own two feet. Then you will be looking for companionship rather than someone to save you. Dating out of neediness and dating too soon means bringing your suitcase of grief with you before it’s all unpacked.

 

7. Work smarter not harder: If you were used to doing life the Martha Stuart way adjust your expectations of yourself and adapt to being Sandra Lee instead; semi-homemade.

Do not grow weary in well doing for in due time you shall reap a harvest if you do not give up! Galatians 6:9 Persevere my friend! The road may be long, but the reward will be great! You reap what you sow, more than you sow, and later than you sow!