As a family you have just been
through a very traumatic situation. You have very little energy; your moods
vacillate back and forth between sadness, anger, and depression. You probably
are not sleeping well and may be suffering from post-traumatic stress flashbacks.
You have so much on your plate and think how am I going wade through this
storm? Then it occurs to you, how am I going to help these precious children
through this storm? Might be your children, grandchildren, nieces or nephews.
What’s normal? What’s not? This is such a lengthy topic there is no way I can
cover every angle, but I will share with you my main observations and fruits of all I have read on this subject (see bullet point summary and resource list at the bottom)
What’s normal? Children process grief according to age:
How your children process and
express their grief will largely be dependent on their age. Children below age
six may not understand the permanence of death. They may ask you over and over
when the deceased is coming back. Toddlers may stand at the window while you
are preparing supper saying, “Dada? Dada?, expecting dad to return home from
work.
Older children may fantasize ways
they could have saved their loved one; invented a new drug, donated their own
organs. Commonly school aged children blame themselves, thinking that they
contributed to the death. These thoughts may be as irrational as the child having sent grandma
flowers and the child thinking grandma died because she was allergic to the
flowers. The sense of guilt can be resolved by telling the child they are not
to blame and explaining what part of the loved one’s body was broken and could
not be mended.
While adults tend to stay in a grief cycle or wave for several weeks or months, my experience is children’s grief waves are short and intense. My children may come to me crying, “I miss my daddy. I just wish I could see him.” We hug and five minutes later they are playing and laughing like nothing happened. I also see the time of day they grieve most intensely is at night. The absence of dad from supper and bath routine is the most noticeable. Again, the cycles are intense but brief. They may want to look at scrapbooks for one or two nights before bed to remember daddy and then they are fine.
Help! I feel like my child is regressing!
Almost universally, children
regress in development or self-help skills regardless of age. Babies or
toddlers may regress in speech or gross motor development. Children who were
feeding themselves independently may gesture or ask that you feed them with
utensils again.
Elementary age children who were showering independently may ask that you give them a bath. All this is
very normal and temporary. I know many of these tasks take more of your energy
you already feel you don’t have enough of, but helping them is providing them
comfort and security in their world that has been completely turned upside
down.
Expect that your children will
feel many of the same feelings you do. Initially they may be very clingy,
afraid, and insecure. My children became alarmed if I walked into another room
and they could not find me in the house. I vividly remember John Davis, then
seven, frantically calling for me. When he found me in my closet putting away
laundry, he hugged me tight, “Mom, mom, I just didn’t know where you were!” I
got in the habit of announcing my next household task to provide them security.
“I’m walking outside to put the trash in the can. I’ll be right back.”
Children who previously were
social butterflies may shy away from large group gatherings. Just as you are
more than likely having high levels of anxiety your children are too. Anxiety physically means that are central
nervous system is in a heightened or alert state. This very fact makes us jumpy
and on edge. Loud noises may jolt us out of our seat or we may be more
sensitive to touch or light. Children are very much the same. Don’t be
surprised if you find yourself saying, “I think my child seems to be autistic.”
I have come to see there are very close similarities. Don’t fret! The heightened
sensory stage is temporary. You may find your child is suddenly sensitive to
tags in their clothes or has a meltdown as you apply lotion after bath. Your
child may be sensitive to loud noises (fireworks, children running around
playground or party, or even normal classroom noise). Even infants and toddlers
show signs of grief. Babies who once slept through the night may start waking
up again. Children who were showing signs of being ready to transition to a big
bed may suddenly cling to the haven of their crib.
The Sleep Dilemma:
You may find that your child wants
to sleep with you. Do what feels right to you. In the initial aftermath of
Micah’s death, John David slept with me for 1-2 weeks. After that time I told
him he needed to sleep in his bed. I helped him find self-soothing ways for him
to be comfortable there. He has spa music to fall asleep to, a fleece blanket
for extra softness, and I am still currently lying with him for an extended
period of time until he falls asleep. His reward for staying in his bed all
week is to get to sleep with me one night on the weekend. I felt God gave me wisdom,
as single parents we get so little down time and we need that at night. Also if
I allowed either of my children to take up permanent residence in my bed, I may
be making trouble for myself and them down the road. If I ever do remarry, I
would have to boot them out of the bed which would make them feel displaced and
rejected and set up automatic jealousy of the new man in our life.
Grief in school-aged children/teens:
School age children may have
difficulty with memory or concentration. They may be forgetful and leave
important papers or books needed for assignments at school. In the initial
aftermath have grace upon grace. Grief and the fog that accompanies it can
really be like having a mild brain injury. Communicate with your child, his teacher,
and school counselor to find some effective strategies to help. Your child will
continue to process through his grief across his life span, it’s important to
meet with teachers, coaches and other staff that are in contact with your child
each year to inform them of your family dynamics.
The neurological changes occurring in preteens and teens
mimics grief so going through a significant loss at this age can greatly compound
their emotions thus making this age group most susceptible to depression,
alcohol and drug use. On an encouraging note I have seen school aged children
who travel in an extreme positive direction. Sometimes grieving children pour
their efforts into academics, sports, or hobbies as a coping strategy or
diversion tactic. The trauma they experienced actually became a catalyst
and pushed them excel more than if they had never had an emotional struggle.
Is this grief OR normal development?
You may also
find that your child frequently whines, meltdowns, or has fits of anger. All
this is normal for grieving children. Your children are still going to go
through normal development stages too so don’t always fall prey to thinking
their behavior is due to grief. Our job as parents is to help our children
articulate their feelings as best they can and find constructive ways to deal
with their emotions.
Having grace
during grief is NOT synonymous with NOT disciplining your children. It seems
counterintuitive but grieving children feel like their world is totally out of
control. Many times they will act out and push the boundaries with behavior
desperately hoping you will show them where the boundaries are to restore order
to their world. We need to be sensitive to our grieving children but we are
doing a huge disservice to them if we accept bad behavior or habitually excuse
their bad behavior because we think it is grief. By excusing their excessive
whininess or meltdown as grief we are teaching them that their grief is a
crutch and they are not required to have self-control, not responsible for
their own words or actions. Grieving children STILL NEED discipline!!!!!
Grief over the life span: When to seek
help?
Over our life navigating transitions is inevitable; new school year, new coaches, going off to college, getting a job, getting married, having children. For the grieving child transitions can be particularly hard. Transitions may seem scary and cause us to pause and reflect on our life; past present and future. Transition often reopen the suitcase of grief. This is perfectly normal. If your child seems overly anxious, shows signs of disturbed sleep, or depression, you may find seeking out help from the school counselor or private therapist for a short time to ease the transition.
Children who remain withdrawn or
will not articulate their feelings for an extended period of time may need
counseling. As do children who seem overly obsessed with death or continual say
they wish they could die or have had thoughts about hurting themselves. Also
children who are scratching, cutting, or harming themselves physically need to
seek professional help as well. This type of behavior is indicative of children
who are in such emotional pain they are trying to relieve the pain by
inflicting physical pain on themselves.
Summary:
1.
Children will process
grief according to their age. All children grieve even infants and toddlers
show signs of grief.
2.
Normal for children to
show regression in self-help skills (sleep, feeding, bathing, etc)
3.
Children in the
initial stages of grief show signs of anxiety, fear, and insecurity
4.
Children’s grief waves
are short yet intense.
5.
Try to get your child
to express emotions verbally rather than behaviorally.
6.
Whining, meltdowns,
and fits of anger are normal. Put boundaries on what is acceptable: “You may
hit a pillow or the punching bag, but not anyone or destroy any property”
7.
Continue to set firm
boundaries and discipline grieving children so the grief itself does not become
as crutch or excuse for bad behavior.
8.
Communicate with your
child’s teacher and school about your grief. Since your child will continue to
process grief over his life make a point to communicate this yearly.
9.
Transitions (new
school year, moving, new job) may reopen the suitcase of grief for a child
bringing the past hurt up to the present.
10.
Children who are
withdrawn, self injurious, or frequently talk of death or suicide need to seek
professional care.
Guiding Your Child Through Grief
by James and Mariann Emswiler
Grief Is A Family Affair by Marilyn Heavilin
