Stages of Grief

Most people are familiar with 5 stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. After Micah’s death I have come to find there are a few more on the continuum. Often post-traumatic stress (PTSD), anxiety/fear surface during the grief journey. Note that you may experience some of the stages, in a different order, and also may cycle back through other phases as you process through your divorce or death of your loved one.

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF

This is grief that actually surfaces before you lose your loved one. This stage may start upon hearing, “I’ve had an affair. I want a divorce”, “The test came back positive. The tumor is cancerous.” Or when the phone rings and it’s your spouse’s boss, “There has been an accident in the plant.” The lingering questions and rollercoaster emotions that accompany long days preparing for litigation in court, in the hospital, ICU, or at home on hospice can all encompass anticipatory grief. People with anticipatory grief often have panic attacks and get stuck in fight or flight, lose or gain weight, and have disturbed sleep.

RELIEF

Following your loved ones death you may feel relief for a short period of time particularly if the personal suffered a lengthy illness. Relief may also come into play even if your loved ones death was unexpected if the person was abusive or had an addiction such as alcohol or drugs that made life particularly stressful. Please know this is normal and don’t compound your grief by adding guilt for feeling relieved.

ABANDONMENT

This is the feeling that your loved one has left or deserted you. “He left me”, “He left me with ALL this to take care of”, “I’m alone”, “There is such an emptiness and void”, are all expressions of abandonment. This stage of grief will be accentuated for those where grief is due to suicide or divorce, because in this case a person chose to leave. The rejection and anger that can coincide with these situations can be monstrous and a trained mental health professional will be extremely helpful in working through these emotions. Children go through cycles of abandonment as they process grief. During these times they will revert to early stages of development. Skills that the child has previously mastered may disappear (sleeping through the night, potty training, bathing, etc). While this regression may be frustrating know it’s temporary and may last anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. If your child seems to stay in regression for long periods of time and does not regain self-help skills this is a sign he is stuck in grief and needs professional help. 

DENIAL

This is the stage of grief where life feels like you are in a bad dream. You may feel numb and that life is meaningless. You may feel like you are standing still and others lives are going on. You may wake up every morning for some time to realize this really is my life. My child really did die in a car accident. During this stage you feel like you are living the same day over and over and over again. Each morning you wake up you have to metabolize the death really did occur and they are not coming back.

BARGAINING

This phase can occur prior to death and after death. “God, I will do anything! Please don’t take her!” “God I will totally change my life, if you can just bring her back!”

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)

This is a psychological state in which people who have lived through significant trauma keep remembering the life altering event. The actual chemical and biological functions of the brain and body are altered. Many people only associate PTSD with soldiers returning from war, however, any life threatening event or one that caused extreme fear can trigger PTSD; car accident, plane crash, finding someone deceased. Essentially the body gets stuck in fight or flight. The body is pumped full or adrenaline causing the feeling of intense panic, blood pressure to rise, and heart rate to increase. Then the body counters the adrenaline with cortisol. All the stress hormones coursing through veins for extended periods can have deteriorating effects on the body; mentally and physically.

PTSD can be unconsciously triggered by a smell or sound that is associated with the traumatic event. Hand sanitzer may remind you of scrubbing in the NICU or the sound of an air purifier or fan may sound similar to a ventilator and trigger a post-traumatic stress episode. Staying in fight or flight for weeks or months alters the body chemistry and can trigger illness and pain. PTSD that last for more than a month needs professional intervention. In this case time usually does heal. Most people treated with a combination of counseling and/or medication feel less intense post-traumatic stress the further they move from their trauma.

PTSD symptoms may include:

·       Dizziness

·       Disturbed sleep (nightmares, flashbacks, night sweats)

·       Startle easily

·       Jittery: insides feel jumpy or keyed up (hyperarousal)

·       High level of anxiety

·       Emotionally detached: isolate yourself, have panic attacks in crowds

·       Lack of concentration

·       Accident Prone

 

ANGER

The anger that can accompany grief can be of astronomical proportions. You may be mad at any number of people: God, yourself, the murderer, the drunk driver, the person who died, your friends, your family,  and even yourself. One common thread I hear from working with grieving families, the survivors are most angry at what they perceive others have NOT done for them. Often grievers feel abandoned by family and friends which causes more hurt than those that tried to reach out in an unhelpful manner. Writing a letter to those expressing your hurt or journaling may be helpful. This stage may take a lot of work but we have two choices: we can let a root of bitterness grow and let our life be over as we spew our grief on all those around us OR we can work through our emotions toward forgiveness so we can lead a joyful productive life. Choose BETTER over BITTER!!!

FEAR:

After living through a traumatic event, you may find yourself bracing for the next tidal wave to rip through your life. Or asking “What else may happen?” or “What IF…..?”  I’ve learned that WHAT IF questions come from the devil himself and lead our minds on rabbit trails that evoke and immeasurable amount of anxiety.

Fear keeps us in the boat rocking in the middle of the ocean. Fear tells us to cling to the mast when we need to look up and cling to the master! Renew your mind with God’s truth. Matthew 6 tells us that we are valuable and not to worry because God will provide for his children. Worry cannot add a single hour to our life or inch to your height. I would argue it actually sucks the life right OUT of us. As I look back over my life very few things I feared would happen ever came to fruition. I think about how much time and energy fear robbed from me. Fear can lead us to see people’s words or actions differently than intended. Fear can cause you to assign incorrect motive to others. Our actions that result from our fearfulness can damage relationships beyond repair. Fear is the absence of trust and opposite of faith. FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. (See post on Combatting Depression and Fear)

DEPRESSION

This is characterized by an even deeper level of sadness and hopelessness. Losing a loved one is losing hope that the marriage will be reconciled, we will see them again on this earth, that the illness will be healed. The symptoms of depression are physical: insomnia, achiness, apathy, GI issues, and loss of appetite. This stage of grief can feel like it will last forever, but it is a normal response to loss. I will cover ways to combat depression in a later post.

 

FORGIVENESS

In our journey of grief, there may be a lot of people that need our forgiveness and we might even need to forgive ourselves. Realize that you were the best wife to your husband and that your love made his life more enjoyable and there was nothing more you could do to save him. Realize that you were the best mother you could have been to your child that you gave him life and all that you taught him left a mark on people still living. Know that if you are a believer in Christ you are clothed and covered by his righteousness while you work toward forgiveness. Piling on guilt because you cannot instantly forgive all involved on your grief journey only compounds your grief. Cut yourself some slack! Realize that forgiveness doesn’t right a wrong. Forgiveness is NOT contingent on an apology. Forgiveness frees you from bondage and restores peace.

ACCEPTANCE

This phase of grief may seem illusive. Acceptance comes when we can say, “I’m thankful; I’m thankful for the years I had with him; I’m thankful he made me the person I am today; I’m thankful I can continue to see the thumbprints of his life around this community.” Acceptance comes when we stop shaking the fist at God and asking “Why?” Acceptance is open hands that can receive and start asking, “Now what? Where do you want me to go? What does the next phase of life’s journey look like for me?” Acceptance is in the whispered, “Make me, mold me, use me; use this tragic circumstance to help others.” Acceptance knows that life did not end when red clay covered the grave. Your solitary life apart from your spouse or child has much more living to do. When you boil life all down it’s you and God. Acceptance is not shrinking back and letting fear give you life small, but laughing at the future not because you know what the future holds, but you know HE holds the future.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

 “plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11