Single Parenting: What My Kids Need

                                              
In single parenting mode, you can easily fall prey to the silent partners of grief (fear, anxiety, depression). One of the authors that has had the greatest impact on me during this widow-single parenting season of life is Angela Thomas. She spent part of her life as a single mom to four children. She helped me realize I needed to rise up out of my circumstances and depression and be the best version of me for my kids right now; not in five years but, now. In reevaluating my parenting, I rediscovered my purpose.  I became keenly aware of what my kids need from me and what I wanted to impart to them. And more over that I was more deeply the person I had always been; still on the same life path, same life goals; yet life is vastly different without my partner here.

 Micah and I wrote a family mission statement several years before he died and it sits in a picture frame in our family room. The long thought out words acted as a filter for which we decided which activities for our family to be involved in and helped us remain focused on what truly mattered to us. The mission statement has served as such a comfort since he went to heaven because I realized we are still a family and still THAT family; a family focused on “Breathing in Sabbath Simplicity, striving in all His strength to remain focused and balanced on teaching, training, and raising ambassadors for Christ.”

In reflecting on our family mission, I was lifted up out of the grief fog. Eyes refocused on how God wants us to run this race of life: with purpose, passion, and perseverance. My heart’s desire is not be so caught up in the dailies, too overwhelmed, or too tired that I forget to love my children lavishly and capitalize on the teachable moments to impart what really matters.

I’ve learned my kids need me to :

Wake them up easy and never stop touching them: I used to get aggravated when my oldest would not get up with his alarm. Nagging him only served to start our day on a bad note. He is my physical touch guy and as he’s gotten older finding ways to touch him prove hard. So I decided try and experiment. I slip under the covers with him 5 minutes before his alarm goes off every morning. I rub his back and run fingers through hair and gently sing our “Good morning to you” song. Waking him up easy has revolutionized our mornings and relationship. After he wakes up I repeat the ritual with my girl.

Welcome them home and be fully present: We have the great power in setting the tone for our home. When they get home from school each day I say, “Welcome home!” I try and make sure the house is peaceful. I put the cell phone away and try not to answer texts, or email . During supper, I don’t answer the phone play peaceful music and light candles. We share meaningful conversation:

·        the highs and lows of our day.

·        Did you make any mistakes today ? (I have a tween that will harbor guilt over seemingly small issues to the point he starts feeling shame. So this question is a door for him to confess instead of harbor the feelings)

·        Anything you wish you did differently today?

·        How did you show fruit today (help or encourage a friend?)?

Go beyond the surface and probe their hearts: I find that when lights are out and the day is closing little hearts open. A couple of nights a week I take Andy Stanley’s lead from his book “Choosing to Cheat” (that would be work or family not cheating on your spouse ) and ask these questions at bed time:

·        Is everything okay in your heart?

·        Did anyone hurt your feelings today?

·        Are you mad at anyone?

·        Did anyone break a promise to you?

·        Is there anything I can do for you to make you feel more loved?

Tell them they are treasured: Every night at bed time I tell my kids, “God made you special!” “I’m glad God gave me you!” and “Thanks for being my treasure!” We are their biggest cheerleaders. The world will try and tear them down and teach them self-identity is in what you have or what you do. As parents it’s our job to teach them they are loved and their identity rests in being a child of the Heavenly King.

Speak truth over their life: Often what we hear is what we believe about ourselves and determines our path. Every morning as my kids leave the house, I cup cherub chins in my hands and declare “Do your best! God is going to use you to do mighty things!”

Talk about Dad in the present: Hearts of grieving kids find great delight in hearing stories about the parent that went to heaven. Childhood stories, how mom and dad met, where you went on dates warm their hearts and put smiles on faces. I became aware that Micah is still Micah; he’s just in a different place.  So I try to remember to say. “Daddy loves you!”, “Daddy IS proud of you!”,  “This IS daddy’s favorite meal.”

My kids need me to teach them:

1. Give God our first fruits of everything: our heart, time, and money

2. Have integrity in every situation no matter the cost: our reputation and choices speak volumes. Doing the right thing no matter who may be against you.

3. Be a bucket filler, not a dipper (encourage others)

4. Clothe yourself in God's armor every morning. (Helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth, the shoes of peace, the shield of faith and the sword of the spirit).

5. Display his fruit of the spirit for all you see! You may be the only bible they ever read!

6. Continue to give thanks even in the storms of life so you can choose to be BETTER over BITTER.

Don't grow weary! One day you will reap a harvest if you do not give up!

Until the whole world hears,

Katie

Single Parenting: Avoiding Pitfalls

Parenting is a monumental task when two people are involved; single parenting often feels overwhelming and sometimes like an impossibility.  In my grieving process, single parenting has been the hardest part to finally accept. Whether you find yourself as a single parent because of divorce, death, or incarceration the road can feel windy and lonely. Over the past few years, I have seen these help avoid pitfalls:

1.      Keep changes minimal: for logistical or financial reasons you may need to relocate across town or across the county. Whatever aspects of life you can keep the same the better; school, church, friends etc. Routine and familiarity particularly help grieving children feel secure and safe.

2.      Set boundaries: Grieving children will push boundaries even more than normally developing children. They are crying out for you to show them limits. Boundaries make them feel a sense of security in their world that has been flip-turned upside down. Your children need compassion yet, realize if every misbehavior is dismissed as grief it can become a crutch. Realize if boundaries with meltdown, tantrums, or angry outbursts are not given you are creating a child who manipulates others with their behavior. Compassionate discipline teaches the child how to exercise self-control and deal with emotions in a healthy manner.

3.      Sleep on a decision: Making decisions solo may be one of the hardest parts of your new life. Put off making any major decisions for a while. The fog of grief can greatly affect your decisiveness. You will need to form a new support system of people you can trust to give you wise counsel. When making a decision consider your options and then sleep on it, mull it over. Don’t revert to asking your young children to help make decisions they are not yet mature enough to make (move? Not to move?, where to go to church, where the kids should go to school).

 

4.  Fill the chairs: In your new life many things have changed. Miriam Neff in "From One Widow to Another" describes having a new board of directors. These are your support team and network. The chairs in your board room help you make decisions and complete daily living tasks. In your chairs may be: friends, family, childcare providers, financial advisor, pastor, lawyer, handy man, mechanic.

5.    Replacing: This is the act of compensating or substituting for your loss. Many times in the early stages of grief replacing occurs in unhealthy ways: alcohol, drugs, shopping, over eating, relationships. In some cases, I have seen a person date someone who physically resembles their deceased spouse within a few months and marry only to greatly regret it later as they had not fully grieved. You can also replace in healthy ways: exercise, take up a new hobby, join a support group.

6.  Wait to Date: You and your family have been through significant trauma. You need time to heal to rediscover your identity. You have grown and changed since you got married. Whether you are now single due to death or divorce take the time to evaluate the positive and negative aspects you brought to the marriage. You will know when you are ready when you feel content being on your own and you can stand on your own two feet. Then you will be looking for companionship rather than someone to save you. Dating out of neediness and dating too soon means bringing your suitcase of grief with you before it’s all unpacked.

 

7. Work smarter not harder: If you were used to doing life the Martha Stuart way adjust your expectations of yourself and adapt to being Sandra Lee instead; semi-homemade.

Do not grow weary in well doing for in due time you shall reap a harvest if you do not give up! Galatians 6:9 Persevere my friend! The road may be long, but the reward will be great! You reap what you sow, more than you sow, and later than you sow!

Fighting Fear

The fear that may accompany grief can be gripping and paralyzing. Fear leads us to shrink the borders of our lives and live small; dream small. As I look back over my life very few things I feared would happen ever came to fruition. I think about how much time and energy fear robbed from me.

Fear can lead us to see people’s words or actions differently than intended. Fear can cause you to assign incorrect motive to others. Our actions that result from our fearfulness can damage relationships and impair our decision making. Fear is the absence of trust and opposite of faith. FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. Faith blesses those who wear it. To know and believe these fundamental truths about God is to have faith:

1.     God is: God is God. He is who is says he is. He is the I AM, the supreme, sovereign, omnipotent, reigning ruler of all. (Hebrews 11:6 “Without faith it is impossible to please God, for he who comes to God must believe that He is.”

2.     God Is Able: Ephesians 3:20 “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think.” God has the power to work in EVERY situation. His imagination, resources, and power are boundless.

 

3.     God Is Good: Psalm 119:68 “God, you are good, and do good.” God is righteous and kind, these are the characteristics of His goodness.

Ex 34:6 “The Lord is merciful and gracious, longsuffering and abounding in goodness and truth.”  An imperative to faith is to know the goodness of God’s nature. We won’t trust someone who isn’t good and faith is about trusting. Faith is trust. We won’t release our fears, problems, or welfare to God until we are sure of his goodness and care.

4.     God Will Work: Romans 8:38 “That’s why we can be sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good” (MSG) God will work because He exists, He is able, and He is good.

5.     God Loves You: Romans 8:38-39: For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God . “  Jeremiah 31:3 “ I have loved you with an everlasting love.”

6.     God’s ways are Perfect: Psalm 18:30 “As for God, His way is prefect.”

Jeremiah 29:11 MSG  “I know what I am doing. I have it all planned out-plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”

Isaiah 55:8-9 MSG “I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work.”  When things don’t work out the way we expected or prayed, we can lean on the fact God’s ways are perfect.

7.     God’s Timing Is Perfect: God works in us even in His delay. His delays are intentional and loaded with purpose. When we believe these truths we become rooted in faith.

Reference: When Women Let Go Of Their Fear by Cheryl Brodersen

 

Combatting Depression

The depression stage of grief can be totally consuming making life hard to navigate and functioning in daily life extremely difficult. This stage can go hand in hand with post traumatic stress, and high levels of anxiety/fear. The mental and physical symptoms make you may feel like you are drowning. And depression whispers in the ear; “You will always be this way.” Take heart my friend, the road may be long, but I can testify there is joy and light to be found on the other side. If depression hinders your daily life, please see a mental health professional. The following is my top ten list that can help you to recover:

1.      Renewing your mind: Get to get rid of “stinkin’ thinkin” by working on renewing your mind with positive thoughts and God’s word. Really knowing your identity as a child of God and being able to recall his promises for his children.

 While Reading Joyce Meyer’s Living Beyond Your Feelings. I came across some fascinating information. Dr. Caroline Leaf , has been Christian researcher in the areas of  intelligence and learning for more than 25 years. Through brain imaging, she has discovered thoughts in our brains actually look like trees, when we have negative thoughts they affect our entire body by forming toxins that look like thorns on the end of the branches in nerve cells. The toxins first go to our heart and then to our immune system. However, with 4 days of positive thoughts the thorns start decreasing and with 21 days of new positive thoughts new memory can be formed without thorns.

2.     Diet: avoiding caffeine, fried foods, drink plenty of water. Caffeine and fried food can increase you feeling of anxiety.

3.     Exercise: endorphins naturally combat depression. I actually envision endorphins are like little pac-men that eat up all the adrenaline and cortisol built up in the body.

 

4. Counseling: therapy individual and/or family can be very helpful in processing grief. Family therapy particularly helps families see how loss has impacted each family member and except that each individual grieves differently. 

 

5.     Medication: Depression and anxiety is a true neurological/chemical difference. We don’t look down on diabetics that need insulin yet, society has a prejudice against those that might not have the right levels of dopamine, serotonin, or hormones in their body.

6.     Relaxation: Guided Imagery: these are CDs to promote relaxation by focusing your mind on visual images and bring down fight or flight or hyperarousal of the body.

7.     Massage: this may seem frivolous and can be expensive, but the beneficial effects of massage on the body are numerous. Some studies site massage is the best medicine for the body.

8.     Journalizing: The human psyche has no digestive tract. Feelings have to be purged. Journalizing is writing how you felt about events NOT just recording events that took place.

9. Counting Gifts: Keeping a gratitude journal can help turn your thoughts from all you have lost to being grateful for what you do have. Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts is a great resource to helping you start this journey and see God in all the simple dailies of life.

10. Reach Out: Helping others is a great way to take the focus off of your circumstances. Whether you serve in a soup kitchen, take a meal to a family, or have coffee with another widow, helping others can pull you out of the pit!

Resources:

Understanding Depression and Finding Hope by Gary Kinnaman and Dr. Richard Jacobs

Living Beyond Your Feelings & Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp
www.aholyexperience.com (Ann's blog)

Stages of Grief

Most people are familiar with 5 stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. After Micah’s death I have come to find there are a few more on the continuum. Often post-traumatic stress (PTSD), anxiety/fear surface during the grief journey. Note that you may experience some of the stages, in a different order, and also may cycle back through other phases as you process through your divorce or death of your loved one.

ANTICIPATORY GRIEF

This is grief that actually surfaces before you lose your loved one. This stage may start upon hearing, “I’ve had an affair. I want a divorce”, “The test came back positive. The tumor is cancerous.” Or when the phone rings and it’s your spouse’s boss, “There has been an accident in the plant.” The lingering questions and rollercoaster emotions that accompany long days preparing for litigation in court, in the hospital, ICU, or at home on hospice can all encompass anticipatory grief. People with anticipatory grief often have panic attacks and get stuck in fight or flight, lose or gain weight, and have disturbed sleep.

RELIEF

Following your loved ones death you may feel relief for a short period of time particularly if the personal suffered a lengthy illness. Relief may also come into play even if your loved ones death was unexpected if the person was abusive or had an addiction such as alcohol or drugs that made life particularly stressful. Please know this is normal and don’t compound your grief by adding guilt for feeling relieved.

ABANDONMENT

This is the feeling that your loved one has left or deserted you. “He left me”, “He left me with ALL this to take care of”, “I’m alone”, “There is such an emptiness and void”, are all expressions of abandonment. This stage of grief will be accentuated for those where grief is due to suicide or divorce, because in this case a person chose to leave. The rejection and anger that can coincide with these situations can be monstrous and a trained mental health professional will be extremely helpful in working through these emotions. Children go through cycles of abandonment as they process grief. During these times they will revert to early stages of development. Skills that the child has previously mastered may disappear (sleeping through the night, potty training, bathing, etc). While this regression may be frustrating know it’s temporary and may last anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. If your child seems to stay in regression for long periods of time and does not regain self-help skills this is a sign he is stuck in grief and needs professional help. 

DENIAL

This is the stage of grief where life feels like you are in a bad dream. You may feel numb and that life is meaningless. You may feel like you are standing still and others lives are going on. You may wake up every morning for some time to realize this really is my life. My child really did die in a car accident. During this stage you feel like you are living the same day over and over and over again. Each morning you wake up you have to metabolize the death really did occur and they are not coming back.

BARGAINING

This phase can occur prior to death and after death. “God, I will do anything! Please don’t take her!” “God I will totally change my life, if you can just bring her back!”

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)

This is a psychological state in which people who have lived through significant trauma keep remembering the life altering event. The actual chemical and biological functions of the brain and body are altered. Many people only associate PTSD with soldiers returning from war, however, any life threatening event or one that caused extreme fear can trigger PTSD; car accident, plane crash, finding someone deceased. Essentially the body gets stuck in fight or flight. The body is pumped full or adrenaline causing the feeling of intense panic, blood pressure to rise, and heart rate to increase. Then the body counters the adrenaline with cortisol. All the stress hormones coursing through veins for extended periods can have deteriorating effects on the body; mentally and physically.

PTSD can be unconsciously triggered by a smell or sound that is associated with the traumatic event. Hand sanitzer may remind you of scrubbing in the NICU or the sound of an air purifier or fan may sound similar to a ventilator and trigger a post-traumatic stress episode. Staying in fight or flight for weeks or months alters the body chemistry and can trigger illness and pain. PTSD that last for more than a month needs professional intervention. In this case time usually does heal. Most people treated with a combination of counseling and/or medication feel less intense post-traumatic stress the further they move from their trauma.

PTSD symptoms may include:

·       Dizziness

·       Disturbed sleep (nightmares, flashbacks, night sweats)

·       Startle easily

·       Jittery: insides feel jumpy or keyed up (hyperarousal)

·       High level of anxiety

·       Emotionally detached: isolate yourself, have panic attacks in crowds

·       Lack of concentration

·       Accident Prone

 

ANGER

The anger that can accompany grief can be of astronomical proportions. You may be mad at any number of people: God, yourself, the murderer, the drunk driver, the person who died, your friends, your family,  and even yourself. One common thread I hear from working with grieving families, the survivors are most angry at what they perceive others have NOT done for them. Often grievers feel abandoned by family and friends which causes more hurt than those that tried to reach out in an unhelpful manner. Writing a letter to those expressing your hurt or journaling may be helpful. This stage may take a lot of work but we have two choices: we can let a root of bitterness grow and let our life be over as we spew our grief on all those around us OR we can work through our emotions toward forgiveness so we can lead a joyful productive life. Choose BETTER over BITTER!!!

FEAR:

After living through a traumatic event, you may find yourself bracing for the next tidal wave to rip through your life. Or asking “What else may happen?” or “What IF…..?”  I’ve learned that WHAT IF questions come from the devil himself and lead our minds on rabbit trails that evoke and immeasurable amount of anxiety.

Fear keeps us in the boat rocking in the middle of the ocean. Fear tells us to cling to the mast when we need to look up and cling to the master! Renew your mind with God’s truth. Matthew 6 tells us that we are valuable and not to worry because God will provide for his children. Worry cannot add a single hour to our life or inch to your height. I would argue it actually sucks the life right OUT of us. As I look back over my life very few things I feared would happen ever came to fruition. I think about how much time and energy fear robbed from me. Fear can lead us to see people’s words or actions differently than intended. Fear can cause you to assign incorrect motive to others. Our actions that result from our fearfulness can damage relationships beyond repair. Fear is the absence of trust and opposite of faith. FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. (See post on Combatting Depression and Fear)

DEPRESSION

This is characterized by an even deeper level of sadness and hopelessness. Losing a loved one is losing hope that the marriage will be reconciled, we will see them again on this earth, that the illness will be healed. The symptoms of depression are physical: insomnia, achiness, apathy, GI issues, and loss of appetite. This stage of grief can feel like it will last forever, but it is a normal response to loss. I will cover ways to combat depression in a later post.

 

FORGIVENESS

In our journey of grief, there may be a lot of people that need our forgiveness and we might even need to forgive ourselves. Realize that you were the best wife to your husband and that your love made his life more enjoyable and there was nothing more you could do to save him. Realize that you were the best mother you could have been to your child that you gave him life and all that you taught him left a mark on people still living. Know that if you are a believer in Christ you are clothed and covered by his righteousness while you work toward forgiveness. Piling on guilt because you cannot instantly forgive all involved on your grief journey only compounds your grief. Cut yourself some slack! Realize that forgiveness doesn’t right a wrong. Forgiveness is NOT contingent on an apology. Forgiveness frees you from bondage and restores peace.

ACCEPTANCE

This phase of grief may seem illusive. Acceptance comes when we can say, “I’m thankful; I’m thankful for the years I had with him; I’m thankful he made me the person I am today; I’m thankful I can continue to see the thumbprints of his life around this community.” Acceptance comes when we stop shaking the fist at God and asking “Why?” Acceptance is open hands that can receive and start asking, “Now what? Where do you want me to go? What does the next phase of life’s journey look like for me?” Acceptance is in the whispered, “Make me, mold me, use me; use this tragic circumstance to help others.” Acceptance knows that life did not end when red clay covered the grave. Your solitary life apart from your spouse or child has much more living to do. When you boil life all down it’s you and God. Acceptance is not shrinking back and letting fear give you life small, but laughing at the future not because you know what the future holds, but you know HE holds the future.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

 “plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11