One Thousand Gifts: Learning the Key to Unlocking a Life of Joy

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives^,
to comfort all who mourn,
    and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty {give them bouquets of roses MSG}
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

Isaiah 61:1-3

I have a confession to make. I have a habit. A book habit. I have a queue of books that lie in wait on my home office shelves for my eyes to dig in. I get giddy with excitement thinking of which paperback I will choose next when the pages of my current manuscript have been digested. In this new life, this new bed of roses I wish I could clone myself to get the bathing, kitchen cleaning, and tucking in finished with enough time and energy to consume pages before falling out in exhaustion.  My latest read: One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The lines penned, numbered gifts, have given me a fresh lens from which to view life. What happens when we count the blessings? Give thanks for the simple dailies? Eucharisteo happens. In the original language eucharisteo means “to give thanks”. In the greek the root charis means “grace” and chara means “joy”. Is it possible in counting the gifts we are transformed? We give thanks, we comprehend God’s grace, and only then can we count it all joy!

Since beginning the “Gifts” journey in early summer. I've had eyes for the gifts. Enjoyed molding words in new-Vaskamp fashion , penning the gifts. Numbered the gifts? I have not. The gifts are scattered some quickly typed in to my phone and some published on my social media timeline. Wanting to number and count the new found blessings, realizing I need to gather the pieces.

 Gather the pieces....Then I'm struck. He struck. My eucharisteo, the thanksgiving, is the Father has gathered the shards of heart, the river of tears, the dreams broken and put the puzzle of life back together. Different, stretched, band-aid over heart. Eucharisteo because He has helped cleanse the deep gashing wound and the broken hearted has been bandaged. Sure the ache of laying young husband in ground will always throb. Ache fills chest for my orphaned children longing for forehead kissing and singing of their song at days end. Eucharisteo has given me pause to revel in the man of God, friend, businessman, husband and father he was. Eyes to see how he left thumbprints on this world, built a legacy that counts, and ministries because of him keep on impacting.

Eucharisteo has returned peace to a once pounding, panicky heart and quieted veins once coursing with adrenalin . Eucharisteo leads to trust. Trust to peace. Peace to confidence; God confidence. This thirty- one proverbs can now be uttered with honest lips: I "laugh at the days to come" not because of what the days hold but because I know the one who holds the days.
For now I really see; scales fallen from Saul-blinded eyes, I see.  Eucharisteo precedes the miracle . My miracle! My miracle is the pieces of me have been anointed with the oil of joy and fused me back together. And now my portion of mourning and eucharisteo can be poured out to reach others in their pain. The grief journey long, reward is great if better is chosen over bitter. Eucharisteo paves the way for the miracle, creating true beauty out of ashes. Then blooms the sweet aroma of a new bed of roses.

Thoughts from: To Heaven and Back

I have found it comforting to read books about heaven since Micah's passing. Here are some notes from one of my favorites: To Heaven and Back by Mary C. Neal, M.D


"When you love with all that you have, you grieve with all that you are."

My Daily Creed
I believe Gods promises are true
I believe heaven is real
I believe nothing can seperate me from Gods love
I believe God has work for me to do
I believe God will see me through and carry me when I cannot walk

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Faith sets us free--allows us to fully embrace life, dissolves fear , and replaces worry with hope!
Faith allows us to confidently walk with God into a future filled with joy; one that can become an extraordinary and amazing adventure .

Grief In Children: What's Normal?

As a family you have just been through a very traumatic situation. You have very little energy; your moods vacillate back and forth between sadness, anger, and depression. You probably are not sleeping well and may be suffering from post-traumatic stress flashbacks. You have so much on your plate and think how am I going wade through this storm? Then it occurs to you, how am I going to help these precious children through this storm? Might be your children, grandchildren, nieces or nephews. What’s normal? What’s not? This is such a lengthy topic there is no way I can cover every angle, but I will share with you my main observations and fruits of all I have read on this subject (see bullet point summary and resource list at the bottom)

What’s normal? Children process grief according to age:

How your children process and express their grief will largely be dependent on their age. Children below age six may not understand the permanence of death. They may ask you over and over when the deceased is coming back. Toddlers may stand at the window while you are preparing supper saying, “Dada? Dada?, expecting dad to return home from work.

Older children may fantasize ways they could have saved their loved one; invented a new drug, donated their own organs. Commonly school aged children blame themselves, thinking that they contributed to the death. These thoughts may be as irrational as the child having sent grandma flowers and the child thinking grandma died because she was allergic to the flowers. The sense of guilt can be resolved by telling the child they are not to blame and explaining what part of the loved one’s body was broken and could not be mended.

While adults tend to stay in a grief cycle or wave for several weeks or months, my experience is children’s grief waves are short and intense. My children may come to me crying, “I miss my daddy. I just wish I could see him.” We hug and five minutes later they are playing and laughing like nothing happened. I also see the time of day they grieve most intensely is at night. The absence of dad from supper and bath routine is the most noticeable. Again, the cycles are intense but brief. They may want to look at scrapbooks for one or two nights before bed to remember daddy and then they are fine.

Help! I feel like my child is regressing!

Almost universally, children regress in development or self-help skills regardless of age. Babies or toddlers may regress in speech or gross motor development. Children who were feeding themselves independently may gesture or ask that you feed them with utensils again.

Elementary age children who were showering independently may ask that you give them a bath. All this is very normal and temporary. I know many of these tasks take more of your energy you already feel you don’t have enough of, but helping them is providing them comfort and security in their world that has been completely turned upside down.

Expect that your children will feel many of the same feelings you do. Initially they may be very clingy, afraid, and insecure. My children became alarmed if I walked into another room and they could not find me in the house. I vividly remember John Davis, then seven, frantically calling for me. When he found me in my closet putting away laundry, he hugged me tight, “Mom, mom, I just didn’t know where you were!” I got in the habit of announcing my next household task to provide them security. “I’m walking outside to put the trash in the can. I’ll be right back.”

Children who previously were social butterflies may shy away from large group gatherings. Just as you are more than likely having high levels of anxiety your children are too.  Anxiety physically means that are central nervous system is in a heightened or alert state. This very fact makes us jumpy and on edge. Loud noises may jolt us out of our seat or we may be more sensitive to touch or light. Children are very much the same. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself saying, “I think my child seems to be autistic.” I have come to see there are very close similarities. Don’t fret! The heightened sensory stage is temporary. You may find your child is suddenly sensitive to tags in their clothes or has a meltdown as you apply lotion after bath. Your child may be sensitive to loud noises (fireworks, children running around playground or party, or even normal classroom noise). Even infants and toddlers show signs of grief. Babies who once slept through the night may start waking up again. Children who were showing signs of being ready to transition to a big bed may suddenly cling to the haven of their crib.

The Sleep Dilemma:

You may find that your child wants to sleep with you. Do what feels right to you. In the initial aftermath of Micah’s death, John David slept with me for 1-2 weeks. After that time I told him he needed to sleep in his bed. I helped him find self-soothing ways for him to be comfortable there. He has spa music to fall asleep to, a fleece blanket for extra softness, and I am still currently lying with him for an extended period of time until he falls asleep. His reward for staying in his bed all week is to get to sleep with me one night on the weekend. I felt God gave me wisdom, as single parents we get so little down time and we need that at night. Also if I allowed either of my children to take up permanent residence in my bed, I may be making trouble for myself and them down the road. If I ever do remarry, I would have to boot them out of the bed which would make them feel displaced and rejected and set up automatic jealousy of the new man in our life.

Grief in school-aged children/teens:

School age children may have difficulty with memory or concentration. They may be forgetful and leave important papers or books needed for assignments at school. In the initial aftermath have grace upon grace. Grief and the fog that accompanies it can really be like having a mild brain injury. Communicate with your child, his teacher, and school counselor to find some effective strategies to help. Your child will continue to process through his grief across his life span, it’s important to meet with teachers, coaches and other staff that are in contact with your child each year to inform them of your family dynamics.

The neurological changes occurring in preteens and teens mimics grief so going through a significant loss at this age can greatly compound their emotions thus making this age group most susceptible to depression, alcohol and drug use. On an encouraging note I have seen school aged children who travel in an extreme positive direction. Sometimes grieving children pour their efforts into academics, sports, or hobbies as a coping strategy or diversion tactic. The trauma they experienced actually became a catalyst and pushed them excel more than if they had never had an emotional struggle.

 

Is this grief OR normal development?

You may also find that your child frequently whines, meltdowns, or has fits of anger. All this is normal for grieving children. Your children are still going to go through normal development stages too so don’t always fall prey to thinking their behavior is due to grief. Our job as parents is to help our children articulate their feelings as best they can and find constructive ways to deal with their emotions.

 Having grace during grief is NOT synonymous with NOT disciplining your children. It seems counterintuitive but grieving children feel like their world is totally out of control. Many times they will act out and push the boundaries with behavior desperately hoping you will show them where the boundaries are to restore order to their world. We need to be sensitive to our grieving children but we are doing a huge disservice to them if we accept bad behavior or habitually excuse their bad behavior because we think it is grief. By excusing their excessive whininess or meltdown as grief we are teaching them that their grief is a crutch and they are not required to have self-control, not responsible for their own words or actions. Grieving children STILL NEED discipline!!!!!

 
Grief over the life span: When to seek help?

Over our life navigating transitions is inevitable; new school year, new coaches, going off to college, getting a job, getting married, having children. For the grieving child transitions can be particularly hard. Transitions may seem scary and cause us to pause and reflect on our life; past present and future. Transition often reopen the suitcase of grief. This is perfectly normal. If your child seems overly anxious, shows signs of disturbed sleep, or depression, you may find seeking out help from the school counselor or private therapist for a short time to ease the transition.

Children who remain withdrawn or will not articulate their feelings for an extended period of time may need counseling. As do children who seem overly obsessed with death or continual say they wish they could die or have had thoughts about hurting themselves. Also children who are scratching, cutting, or harming themselves physically need to seek professional help as well. This type of behavior is indicative of children who are in such emotional pain they are trying to relieve the pain by inflicting physical pain on themselves.

Summary:

1.      Children will process grief according to their age. All children grieve even infants and toddlers show signs of grief.

2.      Normal for children to show regression in self-help skills (sleep, feeding, bathing, etc)

3.      Children in the initial stages of grief show signs of anxiety, fear, and insecurity

4.      Children’s grief waves are short yet intense.

5.      Try to get your child to express emotions verbally rather than behaviorally.

6.      Whining, meltdowns, and fits of anger are normal. Put boundaries on what is acceptable: “You may hit a pillow or the punching bag, but not anyone or destroy any property”

7.      Continue to set firm boundaries and discipline grieving children so the grief itself does not become as crutch or excuse for bad behavior.

8.      Communicate with your child’s teacher and school about your grief. Since your child will continue to process grief over his life make a point to communicate this yearly.

9.      Transitions (new school year, moving, new job) may reopen the suitcase of grief for a child bringing the past hurt up to the present.

10.   Children who are withdrawn, self injurious, or frequently talk of death or suicide need to seek professional care.

 

Guiding Your Child Through Grief by James and Mariann Emswiler

Grief Is A Family Affair by Marilyn Heavilin

The Fence: A lesson in Anger

When peeling back the onion of grief and realizing the many layers to be mourned, often times toxic anger can surface. My family and I have seen anger is many times the culprit for shaking the family tree. As I often tell my children, words are a heart issue. Out of the heart the mouth flows. We must weigh our words. Our words have power. While we can ask for forgiveness the effects our words have on others are lasting. This story illustrates the effects beautifully!

 

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.  The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.  The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.” The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said “I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you.” “Of course I can,” said the father.

God's grace abounds when seething words ring harsh on tongues! May I encourage you today to be an encourager!

 

 

 

Bless Be The Ties That Bind? When The Family Tree Shakes

I realized recently that my nuclear family is about to celebrate 40 years of full time ministry. In addition to the death of my husband, the children in our family have been front row spectators to grief and how destructive it can be to the family tree. If you have just experienced a death in your family and your immediate and extended family have clung to one another, supported and affirmed one another, and are closer than you ever have been, well, give yourselves a big round of applause. You find yourself in the same position as about 5% of other grieving families. For the other 95%, you know that a death in the family is like having a hurricane blow in and batter your family tree. When there is a death in the family, the family tree is shaken. The year following the death is most important in how you communicate and deal with grief. Grief gone wrong or displaced anger during this time will likely color the course of family relationships from this point forward.

From our observations when the death of an elderly parent occurs, unresolved sibling conflict plays itself out. One grown child who may have made poor life and financial choices sprays his jealousy on successful siblings and sees the estate as his opportunity to get what he monetarily and physically “deserves.” If one sibling was the primary caretaker, she may be tired after all the hours of caregiving and be angry at other siblings that lived farther away and unable to physically help the aging parent as much. Sometimes personal belongings take on a whole new life and grown children or other family members may come to the surviving parent’s home and steal possessions while they are away.

Other main stresses that shake the family tree include: Differences in care and attention through illness, interest in financial matters above emotional support, differences in how to publicly acknowledge, memorialize or celebrate the deceased, blame especially if the death was unexpected or suicide, one person owning all the loss,  no tolerance of family members grieving differently (one family may want to clean out belongings within a short period of time while another wants to hold on to EVERY item), making the deceased a saint/not recognizing the deceased had flaws, unresolved family conflict with family member that died.

To the young widow:  Once you have a time to momentarily catch your breath before launching into the daunting task of the business of death, you may pause to survey your family tree. There is no escaping that when your husband left this world you discovered realities in his family tree you did not see before. You may be hit with the sobering reality of what a shield and buffer he was for you. You may realize that some supporters have turned in to “black crows”. These family members are filled with bitterness and anger and displace it on others and you may find yourself and even your young children as the main target.  The black crows fly in and do a lot of squawking and crowing causing family ties to be damaged and in some cases permanently severed. As Proverbs says, “Out of the heart the mouth flows”(4:23) and certainly actions do not lie and truly reveal character.  If you find yourself heartbroken because your husband’s parents have blamed you for his death, I wish I could hold you, wipe your tear stained face and tell you, you are NOT alone. As Miriam Neff cites in From One Widow to Another it is not uncommon for a young widow’s in-laws to blame her for the death of her beloved spouse. She came to know a young, childless widow whose husband was killed in the line of duty as a firefighter, a career he chose and esteemed. Imagine her turmoil, when his parents blamed her for his career choice.

In some cases, you may see that some branches in your family tree have been completely pruned when family abandons you after your storm. Yet sometimes the unexpected happens, other extended family members or friends who have been on the fringes in our “prehurricane” life have now swooped in like robins in spring bringing encouragement and support. The presence they add to our life is as surprising and as colorful as the brilliant blue robin eggs nesting in spring.  We are so thankful they have come to reside in our tree.

When the family tree shakes it can add an additional layer to our grief and even cause us to have complicated grief if the hurricane force winds do not cease in a timely manner. Brothers and sisters in Christ, as if you needed more lessons to mold you and shape you, the family tree shaking affords us an enormous opportunity; an opportunity to grasp true forgiveness. I know, I know, you are trying to survive one day at a time. Coming to grips with your family tree can determine the entire course of your life. We have a choice to either let a root of bitterness grow or cut off the shackles and be set free by God’s design. That choice my friend is the difference in living a life of joy or being held in bondage and yielded ineffective in God’s work and kingdom. The road to get there may be long, but it’s the most important one you can make.

 

 

What IF? Estate Planning 101

If you truly love your family, you will not bury your head in the sand like and ostrich and pretend you will never die. We are all terminal whether you actually have an illness presently or not. If you truly love your spouse, parents, and or children, please take the time to plan ahead so in the event of your death they will not have more stress trying to figure out how to take care of  finances and property you leave behind along with the grief they are experiencing.

I suggest you have a WHAT IF folder. Within the folder should be a list of all account with numbers, login and passwords along with notes on how you pay your bills (online bill pay, credit card, automatic withdrawal). The folder should contain a will naming who you would like to be the executor of your estate. This is very important for a couple of reasons. First of all it will alleviate some family disputes if there are any on who makes decisions regarding accounts and property. Making someone your executor in most cases gives the person the right to sell property or assets needed to settle the estate. I was shocked to learn that most accounts come with survivorship clauses, however property does not always. When having a will written, go to a lawyer you trust. REFRAIN from using on-line quick write wills, you may be surprised to find out from your probate court system that it is not valid. Also going to a lawyer affords you the advantage of having them check on all property deeds to make sure they were written correctly and thus preventing any hiccups in settling estate matters.

I know many couples who simply have not written a will because they cannot decide on who should be the guardian of their children. Some parents get so hung up on, “I just don’t think anyone would raise them like we do.” And you are exactly right! Consider who would provide a loving, nurturing, stable emotional environment for your kids; people that will have enough energy and resources to grow them to their full potential. Some families feel that telling Aunt Sarah you would like her to raise your kids if you were to ever die is enough. Please know that the courts have one obligation and that is to follow the law. Please take the time to have a will written so your family and the courts have no doubt what your intentions are.

If you have recently become a single parent and are going through the whole business of death yourself, securing new life insurance, new will, new guardians, etc., I personally know it is a long and overwhelming process. Just when you think you are finished and can close that chapter another account pops up that needs to be switched into your name. Sometimes you think to yourself will I ever be finished with all this paperwork? You may also be gripped by fear especially if you have kids. “My kids just lost one parents, God please don’t let anything happen to me.” God tells us over and over in his word NOT to be afraid. I know that is easier said than done. Prayerfully consider your Plan B, write your will for Plan B and pray to God you will never have to go to plan B and let your life rest in your loving Savior’s hands.

Should my child attend visitation? funeral?

Whether your child attends visitation (or a wake) and or funeral may depend on a couple of things.
1. Your child's relationship to the person who died.
2. Your child's age.
3. Nature of the death

Many times parents try to shield children from the sting of death. Allowing your child to attend visitation of a mother or father or close grandparent is helpful in the grieving process. Children under the age of 7 often cannot understand the idea that death is permanent. Attending the viewing helps the child understand the death truly occurred,  and to have a chance to say good-bye. Since grief is universal, if the deceased is a friend you may discern taking your child to the funeral or visitation may be a way to expose your child to grief before the child experiences a close death in the family. The nature of the death may influence your decision of allowing your child to attend the viewing, death by suicide, murder, or car accident is different than someone who died of natural causes because of the conversations your child may over hear while in attendance.

When my husband died our son was 7. He and I had a private viewing just the two of us. He handled it with more maturity and tenderness than I ever imagined. We talked about visitation and the funeral to gauge what he felt comfortable attending. He attended the visitation where he sat and played his hand held video game and welcomed his teacher and classmates when they came over to speak to him. Often times children of the deceased become only spectators at visitation and funeral. Friends and family hurt for them so badly and feel they should not approach them, which only deepens the wounds because they feel their loss is not recognized. My son also attended the funeral. He sat in my reach on the row behind me with two of his classmates and their parents. He left the church with his friends and went to get ice cream. He wanted nothing to do with the graveside service. To this day he has not visited the cemetery, that part is to morbid for his little mind to entertain and that is perfectly fine!

My daughter was 22 months when my husband died. I have read some resources that say no child is too young to benefit from attending visitation. As her mother, I discerned differently. I knew she would not understand seeing her dad in the coffin, that she would think he was sleeping and might even pat him and tell him to wake up. Plus, she is a handful and I would have been chasing her around or holding her rather than greeting friends and family.

To answer the question, there is no right or wrong do what is right for your family and situation.