Bless Be The Ties That Bind? When The Family Tree Shakes

I realized recently that my nuclear family is about to celebrate 40 years of full time ministry. In addition to the death of my husband, the children in our family have been front row spectators to grief and how destructive it can be to the family tree. If you have just experienced a death in your family and your immediate and extended family have clung to one another, supported and affirmed one another, and are closer than you ever have been, well, give yourselves a big round of applause. You find yourself in the same position as about 5% of other grieving families. For the other 95%, you know that a death in the family is like having a hurricane blow in and batter your family tree. When there is a death in the family, the family tree is shaken. The year following the death is most important in how you communicate and deal with grief. Grief gone wrong or displaced anger during this time will likely color the course of family relationships from this point forward.

From our observations when the death of an elderly parent occurs, unresolved sibling conflict plays itself out. One grown child who may have made poor life and financial choices sprays his jealousy on successful siblings and sees the estate as his opportunity to get what he monetarily and physically “deserves.” If one sibling was the primary caretaker, she may be tired after all the hours of caregiving and be angry at other siblings that lived farther away and unable to physically help the aging parent as much. Sometimes personal belongings take on a whole new life and grown children or other family members may come to the surviving parent’s home and steal possessions while they are away.

Other main stresses that shake the family tree include: Differences in care and attention through illness, interest in financial matters above emotional support, differences in how to publicly acknowledge, memorialize or celebrate the deceased, blame especially if the death was unexpected or suicide, one person owning all the loss,  no tolerance of family members grieving differently (one family may want to clean out belongings within a short period of time while another wants to hold on to EVERY item), making the deceased a saint/not recognizing the deceased had flaws, unresolved family conflict with family member that died.

To the young widow:  Once you have a time to momentarily catch your breath before launching into the daunting task of the business of death, you may pause to survey your family tree. There is no escaping that when your husband left this world you discovered realities in his family tree you did not see before. You may be hit with the sobering reality of what a shield and buffer he was for you. You may realize that some supporters have turned in to “black crows”. These family members are filled with bitterness and anger and displace it on others and you may find yourself and even your young children as the main target.  The black crows fly in and do a lot of squawking and crowing causing family ties to be damaged and in some cases permanently severed. As Proverbs says, “Out of the heart the mouth flows”(4:23) and certainly actions do not lie and truly reveal character.  If you find yourself heartbroken because your husband’s parents have blamed you for his death, I wish I could hold you, wipe your tear stained face and tell you, you are NOT alone. As Miriam Neff cites in From One Widow to Another it is not uncommon for a young widow’s in-laws to blame her for the death of her beloved spouse. She came to know a young, childless widow whose husband was killed in the line of duty as a firefighter, a career he chose and esteemed. Imagine her turmoil, when his parents blamed her for his career choice.

In some cases, you may see that some branches in your family tree have been completely pruned when family abandons you after your storm. Yet sometimes the unexpected happens, other extended family members or friends who have been on the fringes in our “prehurricane” life have now swooped in like robins in spring bringing encouragement and support. The presence they add to our life is as surprising and as colorful as the brilliant blue robin eggs nesting in spring.  We are so thankful they have come to reside in our tree.

When the family tree shakes it can add an additional layer to our grief and even cause us to have complicated grief if the hurricane force winds do not cease in a timely manner. Brothers and sisters in Christ, as if you needed more lessons to mold you and shape you, the family tree shaking affords us an enormous opportunity; an opportunity to grasp true forgiveness. I know, I know, you are trying to survive one day at a time. Coming to grips with your family tree can determine the entire course of your life. We have a choice to either let a root of bitterness grow or cut off the shackles and be set free by God’s design. That choice my friend is the difference in living a life of joy or being held in bondage and yielded ineffective in God’s work and kingdom. The road to get there may be long, but it’s the most important one you can make.

 

 

What IF? Estate Planning 101

If you truly love your family, you will not bury your head in the sand like and ostrich and pretend you will never die. We are all terminal whether you actually have an illness presently or not. If you truly love your spouse, parents, and or children, please take the time to plan ahead so in the event of your death they will not have more stress trying to figure out how to take care of  finances and property you leave behind along with the grief they are experiencing.

I suggest you have a WHAT IF folder. Within the folder should be a list of all account with numbers, login and passwords along with notes on how you pay your bills (online bill pay, credit card, automatic withdrawal). The folder should contain a will naming who you would like to be the executor of your estate. This is very important for a couple of reasons. First of all it will alleviate some family disputes if there are any on who makes decisions regarding accounts and property. Making someone your executor in most cases gives the person the right to sell property or assets needed to settle the estate. I was shocked to learn that most accounts come with survivorship clauses, however property does not always. When having a will written, go to a lawyer you trust. REFRAIN from using on-line quick write wills, you may be surprised to find out from your probate court system that it is not valid. Also going to a lawyer affords you the advantage of having them check on all property deeds to make sure they were written correctly and thus preventing any hiccups in settling estate matters.

I know many couples who simply have not written a will because they cannot decide on who should be the guardian of their children. Some parents get so hung up on, “I just don’t think anyone would raise them like we do.” And you are exactly right! Consider who would provide a loving, nurturing, stable emotional environment for your kids; people that will have enough energy and resources to grow them to their full potential. Some families feel that telling Aunt Sarah you would like her to raise your kids if you were to ever die is enough. Please know that the courts have one obligation and that is to follow the law. Please take the time to have a will written so your family and the courts have no doubt what your intentions are.

If you have recently become a single parent and are going through the whole business of death yourself, securing new life insurance, new will, new guardians, etc., I personally know it is a long and overwhelming process. Just when you think you are finished and can close that chapter another account pops up that needs to be switched into your name. Sometimes you think to yourself will I ever be finished with all this paperwork? You may also be gripped by fear especially if you have kids. “My kids just lost one parents, God please don’t let anything happen to me.” God tells us over and over in his word NOT to be afraid. I know that is easier said than done. Prayerfully consider your Plan B, write your will for Plan B and pray to God you will never have to go to plan B and let your life rest in your loving Savior’s hands.

Should my child attend visitation? funeral?

Whether your child attends visitation (or a wake) and or funeral may depend on a couple of things.
1. Your child's relationship to the person who died.
2. Your child's age.
3. Nature of the death

Many times parents try to shield children from the sting of death. Allowing your child to attend visitation of a mother or father or close grandparent is helpful in the grieving process. Children under the age of 7 often cannot understand the idea that death is permanent. Attending the viewing helps the child understand the death truly occurred,  and to have a chance to say good-bye. Since grief is universal, if the deceased is a friend you may discern taking your child to the funeral or visitation may be a way to expose your child to grief before the child experiences a close death in the family. The nature of the death may influence your decision of allowing your child to attend the viewing, death by suicide, murder, or car accident is different than someone who died of natural causes because of the conversations your child may over hear while in attendance.

When my husband died our son was 7. He and I had a private viewing just the two of us. He handled it with more maturity and tenderness than I ever imagined. We talked about visitation and the funeral to gauge what he felt comfortable attending. He attended the visitation where he sat and played his hand held video game and welcomed his teacher and classmates when they came over to speak to him. Often times children of the deceased become only spectators at visitation and funeral. Friends and family hurt for them so badly and feel they should not approach them, which only deepens the wounds because they feel their loss is not recognized. My son also attended the funeral. He sat in my reach on the row behind me with two of his classmates and their parents. He left the church with his friends and went to get ice cream. He wanted nothing to do with the graveside service. To this day he has not visited the cemetery, that part is to morbid for his little mind to entertain and that is perfectly fine!

My daughter was 22 months when my husband died. I have read some resources that say no child is too young to benefit from attending visitation. As her mother, I discerned differently. I knew she would not understand seeing her dad in the coffin, that she would think he was sleeping and might even pat him and tell him to wake up. Plus, she is a handful and I would have been chasing her around or holding her rather than greeting friends and family.

To answer the question, there is no right or wrong do what is right for your family and situation.

Explaining Death to Children

When my husband died our son was 7 and our daughter was 22 months.  Preparing to tell my son that his dad was dead was one of the hardest tasks, yet God gave me wisdom. As we had been living in and out of ICU for several weeks, I did not have time to read on childhood grief. Sadly there is not a ton of resources out there, but I will share a resource list in a later post.

Often times we put our own spin on death and dread how we anticipate children will react. When my son's teacher told his class they were sad for their classmate and yet got really excited, "You mean he is IN heaven. You mean he is with Paul Bunyan and Superman? Cool!" Stay away from giving the child more information than he/she needs or can handle. Be child directed and answer questions as they ask honestly and without too much detail.

How your child is able to comprehend and processes death will depend mostly on his age. Children are also very literal. When initially telling a child about a death, refrain from using the words TAKEN and LOST:
TAKEN to a child means someone was snatched and they might be snatched too.
LOST implies the person can be found like a lost toy.

Some words to use:
INVITED: I told my son, "God invited Daddy to come live at his house."
BROKEN: People die because some part of the body did not function properly any more. Children can understand broken.

Two visual aides I have found useful when telling children about death:
FLASHLIGHT: turn the flashlight on, then take out the batteries to show the light will not shine without the batteries much like a person who has died. The heart and spirit of a person is what keeps them alive.
PEANUT: the inside represents our soul/spirit and when a person dies the body is the "shell" that remains.

Example of an initial explanation  of a loved ones death:
(parent) Timmy do you remember Aunt Betty?
(child)Yes.
(parent) Aunt Betty's heart quit working today.
(child) Quit working?
(parent) Yes, our heart pumps blood all around our body and without a heart our body is broken. God invited Aunt Betty to come live at His house where she is healed, whole,  and has a new body. I am really going to miss her.

Finally, children often irrationally believe that the death is in some way their fault or that they caused the death to happen. Some children may have said, "I wish you were dead", not long before the death. I have read of some children who have sent terminally ill loved ones gifts and the child thought the gift may have caused them to die. Reassure your child that they did not cause the death.

The Onion of Grief!

I have discovered that grief is like an onion! There are many layers of loss and just when you think you have discovered all the layers there is another one to peel off. The bible says "two become one flesh", for widows we have indeed lost a part of us. We have lost our biggest fan, our cheerleader. We may have lost our financial advisor and yard man. Realize that losing your spouse will change you, but you too are the same person you have always been. If you have been caring for a terminally ill husband, you may have forgotten the woman that stares back at you in the mirror. What you like to eat or hobbies you used to enjoy. Take the time to dream and find her again.

As a widow, you have now stepped into a very strange world; the world of singleness, another layer of loss. Becoming single again changes our status in more ways than checking the "widow" box at the doctor's office. Widowhood changes our relationships in many ways; with couple friends, co-workers, husband's co-workers/business partners, girlfriends and even family. Whether you were married a year or 50 years becoming single again is very odd. As a widow you still feel very married, after all if you had a choice you would still rather be married. I often hear widows expressing sadness over losing their couple friends after the death of a spouse. Most widows I know still would love to continue to be invited to outings and parties with their couple friends. As widows we can spend a lot of our precious energy mourning all those relationship losses, but to quote Miriam Neff "actions don't lie". If many of your married relationships have fled, forgive. Realize that not all people are comfortable helping others through traumatic situations. Embark on a new search and find a small group of healing people to become your true authentic network of support.

To Get Counseling or Not Get Counseling?

To Get Counseling of Not Get Counseling? That is NOT the question. The question is which counselor to see?
 
Grief takes a tremendous toll on your body. Particularly your brain which is the control center of your body it deserves care as much as the rest of your body. If you had a broken arm would you try to cast it yourself or go to an orthopedist? If you had chest pain would you wait it out or go to an ER? Our brain and neurological chemicals can go haywire under emotional and stressful situations so I urge you to go to the ones who have dedicated their lives to trying to help manage those emotions and chemical imbalances. Another added benefit to seeing a counselor is that they have worked with other grieving families and have a portfolio of experiences to draw from on what strategies worked best for others experiencing very similar situations as you.

I encourage you to go to a therapy practice that offers both counseling and psychiatric services. This way it will be a “one stop shop” and you will spend less time and money getting what you need. Therapists provide counseling and psychiatrists and psyche nurse practitioners can help determine if you need medication.  “NO WAY I don’t want to be on meds!”  I hear this very frequently from people, particularly from the Christian community. Let me say again our brain is an organ and serotonin and dopamine levels can get way out of whack in times of grief in addition to having adrenaline and cortisol in your body. Diabetics have altered levels of insulin in their bodies and take medication to control it, our mental health should not be seen as any different, yet there are many many people who suffer through each day without getting help because of the stigma of antidepressants. Mental healthcare professionals can help determine IF medication is right for you, how much, and can help you determine when to wean off meds. A therapy practice is going to be more educated than simply seeing your general practicioner or OBGYN. And Medication does NOT have to be forever.

 

Symptoms of Grief

I greatly underestimated the physical symptoms of grief. After my husband's death, I actually spend a lot of time, effort, and money going to different doctors to make sure I did not have another physical condition because I could not fathom that grief could do these crazy things to my body.

Symptoms of grief can actually start prior to your loved ones death; known as ANTICIPATORY GRIEF. For me, anticipatory grief manifested in my body getting stuck in fight or flight. This constant action of adrenaline and cortisol pumping through my veins caused me to start having panic attacks. If you have never had panic attacks, count yourself blessed.  You feel like you are dying. With my husband’s illness, I think I always thought deep down that I would know when he started his decline and was nearing the end of his life. In retrospect, my body knew Micah was dying before I did.

Symptoms of grief include:

·       panic attacks

·       nausea

·       diarrhea

·       reflux

·       dramatic weight change (losing or gaining)

·       fatigue

·       achiness

·       foggy brain, dizziness

·       forgetfulness

·       working and short term memory issues

·       lack of concentration

·       hard time remembering people’s names

·       hard time sequencing tasks, or categorizing

·       depression

·       disturbed sleep/ night sweats

·       dry eyes or cloudy vision

·       irrational fears 

 All of my symptoms made it very hard to function let alone take care of 2 children. The best analogy I can give you is it was like having the stomach virus all night every night for 4 months and having to get up and take care of kids every day. There are several nights I can recall, that I could not even walk. I was crawling around on the floor picking up toys. I would ask God, “Please don’t leave me like this for the rest of my life. Heal me!” And God has been faithful to help me heal along this journey. If you are in the midst of grief, I know you feel like you will never climb up the mountain and feel joy again. Take heart my friend there is much more life out there for you. The journey to healing may be long, but you will get there.