A Visit to the Pit!

I never really intended for this blog to be ongoing, but I didn’t really mean to take a year off from writing either. For those that I’m privileged to call friends know what a fight for life this past year has been for me.  I am thankful that these fingers still have life to type and that God has used believers, medical professionals and His word to heal me and bring me out of a very dark place. I pen this post not to gain sympathy or pity, but to be transparent. Transparency is a powerful tool in encouraging others trudging through the same struggles; in the same boat. Many times during that struggle the boat feels like it’s heading nowhere at all. If this is you at this very moment in time, hang in there and no even though it feels like eternity it’s temporary. More joy is on the way!

 

This past year was the perfect storm. I had a health issue go undiagnosed for a lengthy amount of time (ten months!). Then add in work, single mom stress, personal struggles, and family struggles and it was a perfect concoction to send me in a nose dive straight to the pit of depression. For the most part, the body of Christ thinks we should be immune to depression and anxiety, but we are not. Believers often add another layer on by feeling guilty that maybe we haven’t prayed right, prayed enough, or have some unconfessed sin in our life. Before we know it we have bought into lies of the enemy and think we are alone which leads to losing hope and feeling we are worthless. Beloved you are His child, you are NEVER alone!  We are still in a fallen world and souls clothed in flesh. Sometimes our bodies get out of whack, but there is help. I have found these to be the best way to combat depression:

 

1. Renew Your Mind: the 7 truths about God:

• God is God (Heb 11:6)
• God is Able (Eph 3:20)
• God is Good (Psalm 119:68)
• God Will Work (Romans 8:28)
• God Loves You (Romans 8:38-39)
• God’s Timing is Perfect
   
  2. Hide scripture in your heart
  
  3. Unlock Heaven: Did you know you have been given keys to the kingdom?(Matthew 16:19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven)
   
  4. Put on your armor: (Ephesians 6:10)
  
  5. Exercise: Aim for 150 min a week; 45 min 3x a week
  
  6. Diet: eat well balanced diet; avoid caffeine, fried foods, and stay hydrated
   
  7. Medication: see a psychiatrist to see if you need medication
   

8. Relaxation: Guided Imagery: these are CDs to promote relaxation and by focusing your mind on visual images and bring down fight or flight or hyperarousal of the body.

Rhonda Jones: www.thechristianmeditator.com (can find on iTunes)

 

9. Massage: this may seem frivolous and can be expensive, but the beneficial effects of massage on the body are numerous. Some studies sight massage is the best medicine for the body.

 

10. Journalizing: The human psyche has no digestive tract. Feelings have to be purged. Journalizing is writing how you felt about events NOT just recording events that took place.

11. Create a circle: find healing friends who will carry you through your struggle

12. Have something ahead to look forward to: Have a Project before you with a deadline like scrapbook, writing, planning a trip or party. These will have you looking ahead and get you outside yourself.

13. Develop new dreams/hobby ( tennis, photography class)

15. Laugh : Find a new sitcom, go to the movies in your PJs

16. Don't ask what ifs: Many times what ifs never come to fruition and cause worry. Worry is not planning, it’s stealing. Don't walk through doors that aren't open.

17. Tell yourself it's just temporary you won't be like this forever: When we think we will live in the pit the rest of our days we have created self dread. Life will get better and you will have joy again. Fight or flight paralyzed us and tuned are minds to the taunts of the devil and drowns out the gentle wooing voice of the King.

 

18. Reach out to others in grief or struggles: Make cards and mail one to encourage someone once a week.

In The Waiting Part III: At His Feet

If you could have a major in high school, mine was music. In middle school I moved from metro city to small agriculture town kicking and screaming. What my family was surprised to discover was a gem of a town who esteemed fine arts and home to a legendary choral program. I relish the music we created, friendships formed , and memories created within those vaulted ceiling, white cinder block walls. The angst of beating hearts on sight reading and solo days and late night backstage rehearsals for our annual musical will be forever etched in our hearts and minds. Music was what my high school years were built around. Although God has me using my other gifts currently, music is still very near and dear to my heart. Music has been so instrumental in my comfort and healing in this season of grief.

I should not be surprised that He repeatedly is using music to teach and impart what he keeps speaking to my soul the last two weeks: waiting; finding redemption in the waiting; finding true freedom in complete surrender in the waiting. Continually reminding me to bare it all and lay everything at His feet. (I lose count of how many times a day I try and pick up the burdens back up again. )That's my God, that's how he works and his fingerprints emerge in our lives. He is whispering to me, "I see you, I'm here, I haven't forsaken you,". Matthew 6 continues to surface again and again:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life....What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

 “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

 Beloved, know you can "never fall too far" away from the Father's arms. Complete surrender is found when we "lift our life up". Claiming redemption, surrender, and peace in your waiting!

Who You Are by Unspoken
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_N6sn1LLX8

Lift My Life Up by Unspoken:
Behind the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZT0Z9MzpbZI

Song and lyrics:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wj05-J9z4TY&list=PL8305D3447CD97386

In the Waiting Part II: Come to the Well

In seasons of waiting self condemnation may abound. The other falsehood the enemy would have to believe is that God is actually holding out on you; withholding a blessing. If we buy into the lie, self pity will give you a one way ticket into the darkness of hopelessness which breads discontentment.

When we feel sorry for ourselves and fall into hopelessness what we are chasing and seeking becomes an idol and we are following in our Israelites ancestors foot steps. Hoisting up a golden calf and declaring, "If you really loved me you would give me this one thing I so desperately want: the marriage , the healing , the pregnancy , the job ...." Putting the idol on a pedestal  and forgetting the miracles God performed to free and provide for his people. When in truth the "Father in heaven gives good gifts to those who ask him!" (Matthew 7:11 NIV)

The word does NOT say chase after our heart's desires. What HE does say is seek first the kingdom...

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life...seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow...(Matthew 6:25-32 NIV) What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. (Matthew 6:30-32 MSG)

My child there is only one way to discover the kingdom and remedy the emptiness that lingers within. You have to go to THE well, the well of living water. At the well, surrender your burdens at the Master's feet, quench your will with His. He is the only one who can give you rest, fill you up with love beyond measure. In  surrendering your desire and your timing for God's yields joy and contentment in the waiting.

Music:

Come To The Well: Casting Crowns
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW5unzXXC0k

You Are My Shepherd: Tricia Brock
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAQuJNHwLLE


All I Need: Bethany Dillon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J20gwHbJDCY

In the Waiting: Receive Redemption

God has spoken so clearly two profound truths this week. Both in regards to the voices that creep in during times of waiting. One voice we hear profoundly in the waiting is condemnation. The enemy delights in feeding us an endless, persistent diet of reminders of the past. Nothing can so easily plunge a believer into the darkness as hearing the whispers declare that our past dictates the future; there is no redemption; no grace for our mistakes and sin. In this darkness, hope for the future cannot dwell and seeing the light appears impossible. We must practice in the dark what we have learned in the light.

My son, do not forget my teaching,
but let your heart keep my commandments...
    and peace they will add to you.

 Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you;
    bind them around your neck;
    write them on the tablet of your heart.

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
    and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes;fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh    and refreshment to your bones.

(Proverbs 3:3-8)

Knowing God's word and having scripture imprinted on our hearts and minds helps us turn away from the evil dialogue and will bring peace, healing and refreshment! Child of God fix your eyes on the unseen and know that there is no place the grace of God cannot cover! Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1) if you have  declared "with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.” (Romans 10:9-11) and take heart your transgressions have been removed as far as the east is from the west.
 
Casting Crowns: East from the West
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WyoVJfADlwo

Press on and fight the good fight! It's just the dark before the morning! Hold on to the truth that God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. (Ephesians 3:20 MSG)

Josh Wilson: Before the Morning
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=New8i_eX3x8
In order to receive his grace and peace we have to unpack all the burdens we have carried for far too long and lay them all out on the alter at the Father's feet. Then and only then can he heal, restore, refresh, and renew our hope for the future.

Casting Crowns: At Your Feet
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yT6lFcM-Fv8

My beloved, I proclaim redemption, freedom, and peace in your waiting!

Blessings,
Jasmine

Waiting? He's Already There

So many times in life we are waiting to "see how all our fears and questions are going to play out". (Casting Crowns "Already There") The crib to be filled, the new job to materialize, the wayward child to come home, the marriage to be restored, the soul mate to be found, the illness to be healed, the emotional pain to cease. In the waiting God can seem silent. In the silence, our minds can fall prey the endless dialogue of lies the enemy will feed us to derail our faith. "God's forgotten about me!", "I must not be lovable.", "Where did I go wrong in my parenting?"

The truth of the matter is God is an on time God. God works in us even in his delay.
"Don’t overlook the obvious here, friends. With God, one day is as good as a thousand years, a thousand years as a day. God isn’t late with his promise as some measure lateness. He is restraining himself on account of you, holding back the End because he doesn’t want anyone lost. He’s giving everyone space and time to change." 2 Peter 3:9 MSG

My prayer for you is to seek transformation over comfort. Lay your idol at His feet. May you find peace and contentment in the waiting knowing we are called to run the race for His glory with passion, purpose, and perseverance! May these resources be as much of an encouragement to you as they have been to me!


John Waller: "While I'm Waiting"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6X71sXagUY

Already There Testimony: Casting Crowns
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W99gAQ_FRzY&noredirect=1

Single Parenting: What My Kids Need

                                              
In single parenting mode, you can easily fall prey to the silent partners of grief (fear, anxiety, depression). One of the authors that has had the greatest impact on me during this widow-single parenting season of life is Angela Thomas. She spent part of her life as a single mom to four children. She helped me realize I needed to rise up out of my circumstances and depression and be the best version of me for my kids right now; not in five years but, now. In reevaluating my parenting, I rediscovered my purpose.  I became keenly aware of what my kids need from me and what I wanted to impart to them. And more over that I was more deeply the person I had always been; still on the same life path, same life goals; yet life is vastly different without my partner here.

 Micah and I wrote a family mission statement several years before he died and it sits in a picture frame in our family room. The long thought out words acted as a filter for which we decided which activities for our family to be involved in and helped us remain focused on what truly mattered to us. The mission statement has served as such a comfort since he went to heaven because I realized we are still a family and still THAT family; a family focused on “Breathing in Sabbath Simplicity, striving in all His strength to remain focused and balanced on teaching, training, and raising ambassadors for Christ.”

In reflecting on our family mission, I was lifted up out of the grief fog. Eyes refocused on how God wants us to run this race of life: with purpose, passion, and perseverance. My heart’s desire is not be so caught up in the dailies, too overwhelmed, or too tired that I forget to love my children lavishly and capitalize on the teachable moments to impart what really matters.

I’ve learned my kids need me to :

Wake them up easy and never stop touching them: I used to get aggravated when my oldest would not get up with his alarm. Nagging him only served to start our day on a bad note. He is my physical touch guy and as he’s gotten older finding ways to touch him prove hard. So I decided try and experiment. I slip under the covers with him 5 minutes before his alarm goes off every morning. I rub his back and run fingers through hair and gently sing our “Good morning to you” song. Waking him up easy has revolutionized our mornings and relationship. After he wakes up I repeat the ritual with my girl.

Welcome them home and be fully present: We have the great power in setting the tone for our home. When they get home from school each day I say, “Welcome home!” I try and make sure the house is peaceful. I put the cell phone away and try not to answer texts, or email . During supper, I don’t answer the phone play peaceful music and light candles. We share meaningful conversation:

·        the highs and lows of our day.

·        Did you make any mistakes today ? (I have a tween that will harbor guilt over seemingly small issues to the point he starts feeling shame. So this question is a door for him to confess instead of harbor the feelings)

·        Anything you wish you did differently today?

·        How did you show fruit today (help or encourage a friend?)?

Go beyond the surface and probe their hearts: I find that when lights are out and the day is closing little hearts open. A couple of nights a week I take Andy Stanley’s lead from his book “Choosing to Cheat” (that would be work or family not cheating on your spouse ) and ask these questions at bed time:

·        Is everything okay in your heart?

·        Did anyone hurt your feelings today?

·        Are you mad at anyone?

·        Did anyone break a promise to you?

·        Is there anything I can do for you to make you feel more loved?

Tell them they are treasured: Every night at bed time I tell my kids, “God made you special!” “I’m glad God gave me you!” and “Thanks for being my treasure!” We are their biggest cheerleaders. The world will try and tear them down and teach them self-identity is in what you have or what you do. As parents it’s our job to teach them they are loved and their identity rests in being a child of the Heavenly King.

Speak truth over their life: Often what we hear is what we believe about ourselves and determines our path. Every morning as my kids leave the house, I cup cherub chins in my hands and declare “Do your best! God is going to use you to do mighty things!”

Talk about Dad in the present: Hearts of grieving kids find great delight in hearing stories about the parent that went to heaven. Childhood stories, how mom and dad met, where you went on dates warm their hearts and put smiles on faces. I became aware that Micah is still Micah; he’s just in a different place.  So I try to remember to say. “Daddy loves you!”, “Daddy IS proud of you!”,  “This IS daddy’s favorite meal.”

My kids need me to teach them:

1. Give God our first fruits of everything: our heart, time, and money

2. Have integrity in every situation no matter the cost: our reputation and choices speak volumes. Doing the right thing no matter who may be against you.

3. Be a bucket filler, not a dipper (encourage others)

4. Clothe yourself in God's armor every morning. (Helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth, the shoes of peace, the shield of faith and the sword of the spirit).

5. Display his fruit of the spirit for all you see! You may be the only bible they ever read!

6. Continue to give thanks even in the storms of life so you can choose to be BETTER over BITTER.

Don't grow weary! One day you will reap a harvest if you do not give up!

Until the whole world hears,

Katie

Single Parenting: Avoiding Pitfalls

Parenting is a monumental task when two people are involved; single parenting often feels overwhelming and sometimes like an impossibility.  In my grieving process, single parenting has been the hardest part to finally accept. Whether you find yourself as a single parent because of divorce, death, or incarceration the road can feel windy and lonely. Over the past few years, I have seen these help avoid pitfalls:

1.      Keep changes minimal: for logistical or financial reasons you may need to relocate across town or across the county. Whatever aspects of life you can keep the same the better; school, church, friends etc. Routine and familiarity particularly help grieving children feel secure and safe.

2.      Set boundaries: Grieving children will push boundaries even more than normally developing children. They are crying out for you to show them limits. Boundaries make them feel a sense of security in their world that has been flip-turned upside down. Your children need compassion yet, realize if every misbehavior is dismissed as grief it can become a crutch. Realize if boundaries with meltdown, tantrums, or angry outbursts are not given you are creating a child who manipulates others with their behavior. Compassionate discipline teaches the child how to exercise self-control and deal with emotions in a healthy manner.

3.      Sleep on a decision: Making decisions solo may be one of the hardest parts of your new life. Put off making any major decisions for a while. The fog of grief can greatly affect your decisiveness. You will need to form a new support system of people you can trust to give you wise counsel. When making a decision consider your options and then sleep on it, mull it over. Don’t revert to asking your young children to help make decisions they are not yet mature enough to make (move? Not to move?, where to go to church, where the kids should go to school).

 

4.  Fill the chairs: In your new life many things have changed. Miriam Neff in "From One Widow to Another" describes having a new board of directors. These are your support team and network. The chairs in your board room help you make decisions and complete daily living tasks. In your chairs may be: friends, family, childcare providers, financial advisor, pastor, lawyer, handy man, mechanic.

5.    Replacing: This is the act of compensating or substituting for your loss. Many times in the early stages of grief replacing occurs in unhealthy ways: alcohol, drugs, shopping, over eating, relationships. In some cases, I have seen a person date someone who physically resembles their deceased spouse within a few months and marry only to greatly regret it later as they had not fully grieved. You can also replace in healthy ways: exercise, take up a new hobby, join a support group.

6.  Wait to Date: You and your family have been through significant trauma. You need time to heal to rediscover your identity. You have grown and changed since you got married. Whether you are now single due to death or divorce take the time to evaluate the positive and negative aspects you brought to the marriage. You will know when you are ready when you feel content being on your own and you can stand on your own two feet. Then you will be looking for companionship rather than someone to save you. Dating out of neediness and dating too soon means bringing your suitcase of grief with you before it’s all unpacked.

 

7. Work smarter not harder: If you were used to doing life the Martha Stuart way adjust your expectations of yourself and adapt to being Sandra Lee instead; semi-homemade.

Do not grow weary in well doing for in due time you shall reap a harvest if you do not give up! Galatians 6:9 Persevere my friend! The road may be long, but the reward will be great! You reap what you sow, more than you sow, and later than you sow!