Through the Looking Glass: Letting Advent Transform Your Pane

The screams of Christmas lists,  family tensions strung high , custody schedules, and complaints echo through my ears . I feel like I'm standing still watching all the squabbling  of the season happen before me through a frosted window pane. And I want more than anything to beckon them to come and see how I see; to offer them a piece of my peace .

In my world, the perspective on the other side of the looking glass, cozy Advent atmosphere : White lights tinkle, an advent wreath, a Jesse tree.... my haven is awaiting , waiting with anticipation . Waiting for a babe. Because a babe, fully God, fully man, a Savior coming, our vocabulary changes from all the "have tos" to we "GET to" ! From seeing lack to seeing all we have! 

Make no mistake , life under this roof is not all a bed of roses. The realization , the pains of Advent put all first world problems into crystal perspective . And if one allows , grief can transform panes from pains. The lens of gratitude lights the path to counting life as joy and peace .The lens makes all things new.

I can't help but know there are people out there praying for what most take for granted . A roof over head, four wheels to drive, pantry of food, accessible medical treatment, faucet flowing drinkable water, eyes that read, ears to drink in sounds of the season,  diplomas on wall....all make me wealthier than 75% of the world's population.

Through the glass I see all I have only because of the one who gave it all. The one who took holes in hands knows all the holes in your heart . Discovering your holes leads you to the only one who can make you whole .  Love came down to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free.

Breathe. Breathe in hope. Breathe in peace. Breathe in joy. Breathe in love...

for the Christ child is coming !

Helping the Greiving Through the Holidays

As a young girl growing up near the heart of Atlanta, my most vivid Christmas memory was going to see The Atlanta Ballet perform the Nutcracker at the Fox. Now I too enjoy the Nutcracker tradition in our community each Christmas season with my daughter.  A few weeks ago I found myself roaming through the ornament section of Target. I was on a hunt to find a special ornament to commemorate this year's Nutcracker tea and performance.  No ornament was really grabbing me as a token I'd like my Sugar Plum Fairy girl to hang on her tree many years from now to remember the annual event . What did catch my attention was a dull throbbing ache that began to creep up in my chest. I soon realized the familiar feeling...the return of the Holiday grief monger.

 After seven years, I have come to the conclusion, the lights that are so merry and bright illuminate holes within hearts. The holidays make grief more raw. Our pain is less sharp now, but Micah's absence is always with us. My thoughts shifted to those in my circle who are grieving right now. A friend who just buried her dad. Marriages shattered, kids worlds crumbled. Another family just kissed Dad in uniform good-bye and will see him about this time next year. As I pulled my cart to check out lane 6, there she was, a beloved MOPS sister. She shared hubby just deployed for 3 months. She shared my sentiments, holidays make pain greater.

How can you help grieving families through the holidays? Here are my top dos and don'ts :

DON'T
1. Say, "I'm here. Call me if you need anything!"
This is a grand gesture, but grieving people often don't know what they need and won't remember who offered to help. If it's soon after a death, I encourage a family member or close friends helping to keep a list of all those who offer to help and what their specific ways they want to help (childcare, yard, make meals).

2. Say, "You know this was God's will. "

3. Don't say irrational spiritual statements to rationalize loss: :
" God knew it was his time!"  , "At least your kids had a dad for the time they did! Some kids never have one !" , " You are young and beautiful you will marry someone else .",  " You are young ! You can still have other children !",  "You know God knew you all needed an angel up there to watch over you !"

DO:
1. Continue to include them. Invite them to outings, game night, or parties.
Even if the person says no, the gesture that you thought of them and invited them means a lot. Know that each person is a soul. Just because their marital status may have changed doesn't mean they don't want to be included in their previous circle of friends.

2. Invite them over for a meal or take a meal to them and stay to eat.
Meals are wonderful. Company is even better. I know I've said it before but, if we are to be the supportive body of Christ, we have to get past pop and drop. Popping a casserole in the oven and dropping it off and riding into the sunset fills the belly, but not the soul. Grieving people most need a listening ear and fellowship.

3. Ask them when and how you can help them decorate their home or haul down Christmas boxes from the attic.

4. Ask what their family holiday plans are to be sure they will not be alone.
Grief can bring family closer or tear them apart. Families either lean on each other or turn on each other. Don't assume because family is close by that family supports the grieving.

5. Ask them what in their home needs repairs.

6. Ask parents if they would like help shopping for the kids and take the kids shopping for surviving parent.
For a surviving spouse or  spouse of a deployed service member, buying all your own Christmas presents and faining to be surprised on Christmas morning  is one of the hardest/lonliest parts of the grief journey.

7. Be a constant presence.
Whether cards, text, lunch dates. being there on a regular basis is the biggest support you could ever imagine . One mom shared,  "After my miscarriage , a dear friend would just come and sit on my couch with me and watch movies. I'd cry and she never had to say a word. Having her there meant so much "

8. Be dependable. Keep your word, be a promise keeper.
From my observations, disappointment to the grieving (especially children) is magnified more than I could put into words. Follow through on intentions to get together, take kids hunting, or on fun outings.
Be a person whose walk matches talk. We show integrity by our actions rather than our intentions. Keeping promises reaffirms there is good in a hurting world and loving people who can be trusted. If we are in Christ, then we are an extension of God's love in action.  After all,  love is something that we do and  we do what we believe.

"Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with action and in truth."

1 John 3:18

Music:
Love Is Something That We Do: Clint Black

Love Them Like Jesus: Casting Crowns

Resource:
Emergency Response Handbook for Small Groups by Group Publishing

Living On the Bridge Through Life's Seasons

God's given a clear word to me. The word keeps resurfacing in small group discussions, bible study, news articles.... the word is season. In this season, God has definitely tilled the soil and is doing a new work. I am so thankful my little haven is in a season of peace. I'm back to work full time in the speech rehab world. I ain't gonna lie!  I love what I'm called to do. But ya'll, the struggle  IS REAL to balance single motherhood, work, and home life.  I'm most definitely right where I am suppose to be ministering, but not exactly where I thought I'd be this season last year. 

During this season, God has taught me:

1. God gives vision and His chief desire is for us to be obedient. 
This time last year I created a LLC with the vision of training church leaders and educators on organizational leadership and on how to create safe sanctuaries. A vision to help bring awareness and a plan to protect children from sexual and emotional abuse in churches. Can I  get a witness? Our headlines every day beg and scream this is a need. Yet, apparently it's not the season my for family. 

If I'm honest, I've been through Satan getting in my head. He has spoken condemnation. "Who do you think you are? What were you thinking? See your vision did not come to fruition!" I've journeyed to contentment now knowing I was obedient and if Roots & Wings Educational Consulting is to take flight, God will open doors in his time. 

In your season of waiting, don't grow weary or give up beloved! You will reap what you sow, later than you sow, and more than you sow! Galatians 6:9

2. God can use the hardest trials to help us walk into His destiny.
I've had to sit back and watch; watch my curly headed boy wrestle with a season of hardship. My John Davis, he has been handed a Goliath size, suffering cup no mom would ever want her child to bear. I found myself apologizing to him over and over that he has to endure this mountain.

I clearly heard God whisper, "Hush, just hush". I realized this very suffering may be what shapes him for his God-calling. If this thistle is taken away, he may not be changed into God's likeness and step into all his heavenly Father has for him to become. And then right there in His word:

REPENTANCE + REST=SALVATION  &   QUIET + TRUST= STRENGTH!!!

Isn't what we all need? To humble ourselves, cast out our idols, and rest in God's saving grace? And sometimes our silence can be the loudest remark! Closing my mouth and trusting God will give me strength to know He is working the hard, painful times into good that will glorify Him.

In repentance and rest is your salvation, 
in quietness and trust is your strength,...Isaiah 30:15 

3. We are all living on a bridge.
In this haven we are most definitely in a season, a season of matrimony. In our little corner of the globe 2017-2018 ushers in 4 weddings .  As a spectator of planning and showers, I watch brides juggle dreams with family dynamics. I have become keenly aware grief has you live on a bridge, a bridge of time; a never ending  time continuum between past, present, and future.

Any given day, I walk my children across the bridge through several time continuums...sometimes even multiple times. 

The bridge to the PAST takes my kids back to enjoy visiting their earthly father, to know what their Dad was like; to remember and hold on to memories, and makes him tangible in his absence.

The bridge of the PRESENT  keeps us focused on what is right in front of us. Focusing on gifts in the present unlocks joy. Joy produces contentment. 

The bridge to the FUTURE  fills us with hope. Our prayer is  for wherever God plants us we will walk in His light and be a vessel to bring him glory.  We pray for whoever God brings into our future will allow room for us to bring the past along where we will cherish them both simultaneously. For we are all a sum of our past. People who speak encouragement spur us on to love and good deeds. We treasure and hold them dear. Those that caused pain and destruction also compel us to vow to love justice, seek mercy, and walk humbly with our God. (Micah 6:8)

Beloved, embrace your walk on the bridge through all of life's seasons! Knowing He is the unchangeable God of each step you take through all the changing seasons will set you free. He is the God of all of your days! 


Until the whole world hears,
Katie

Music:

God of All My Days by Casting Crowns

The Very Next Thing by Casting Crowns

Broken Together

A dear sister in Christ," Hannah", and I sat across the table from each other over waffle fries, Cobb salad, and sweet tea , while our kids giggled in a booth beside us. I exhaled after a long day of seeing patients, " Ah! Girl time! " Somewhere between hearing cherub giggles and dipping Polynesian sauce, our light hearted conversation turned soberly to the brokenness that seemed to hammer our Savior knowing circle the last few years . The living death, divorce, that has been a stained glass earthquake impaling shards in hearts. In the heaviness of the moment I sarcastically declared, " Well it's official!! We've hit it! We've hit midlife! "

Later it occurred to me why mid life might be make it or break it time for a marriage.  At midlife your still raising kids (probably hormonal teens), caring for aging parents, and maybe reflecting on a career change . After all you only have half your life left and you want to make the last half count . And this crazy life just is NOT what you EXPECTED when you said "I do ".

Expectation... Expectation is the root of all heart ache. How many expected the day you walked in white dress and veiled face down the aisle that marriage would be roses , champagne, vacations? A Disney princess fairytale that our culture has fed nearly all girls ! Reality check! Marriage is compromise, compassion, communication, forgiveness, and hard work!

After conversations at bible study this week on being content in our roles/relationships and having several women pose the question what should I be looking for ?( in a mate). I was struck that the answer was staring back at us in our memory verse....

"the Son of Man did not come to be served,

but to serve,

and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:28

If you are searching for a mate, someone you can live WITH, well my friend you are searching for love in all the wrong places!!! Search for a servant; for someone who at their core desires to live out the gospel, do kingdom work , and be a kingdom changer . Look for a ministry partner. Life is not vacations and anniversaries! Real life is washing clothes, emptying the dishwasher, cooking supper, changing diapers, walking the dog, being in grief together,  and figuring out how to navigate the pregnancy of your teenage daughter . Real life is hard, raw and messy! Marriage is real life not a Disney princess fairytale . Real life is a roller coaster that can leave you feeling battered and broken. Marriage is finding someone you can enjoy the dailies with and learning  to be " broken together".

Broken Together: Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhxELo-uD3c

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again: Danny Gokey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwdOJ3PzxCE

Hey Soul With No Valentine

Hello Darling! 

You really can find beauty in the mess!
This one, this one is for the girls..... 

Hey soul ! Yes, you girlfriend!

Girl in her mid-twenties who has been a bridesmaid more times than she has digits on her hands and wonders, "Will I ever be THE bride?"

For the one who he finally put a ring on it, wedding bells were chiming, and then....truth came to light, exposed little white lies unveiling unfaithfulness before you walked down aisle . Betrayal stung! Your house of dreams fell apart and washed away! Years you have worked to forgive, to regain trust. In the rearview mirror, you now can have Garth theology. Thank God for "unanswered prayers ".

Hey girl! The one in her mid-thirties that is convinced that all the good fish in the sea have already been caught . For the girl in your 40s whose husband abandoned and left those scars of rejection stamped on your heart. And Facebook materializes mistress who is now living the life you once had. Your soul crushed as he chooses her over your babies. 😭

To the one in your 40s who gave your second hand heart to Peter Pan, the boy who is still living in the high school hallways; willing to fly in and make grand gestures of establishing trust with your kids only to throw away your lifetime friendship for the kidless platinum blonde. I know, you feel your seething pain goes unseen. You  walk on "wearing your pain like stilettos".

To the widow who laid husband down in red earthen ground before she got a chance to live out retirement dreams ...... To all the hearts that would rather pull up the covers and pretend today is not Valentine's without a Valentine, it's far easier to grow cynical throwing up prison bars around a shut down heart, but that's no way to authentically live. Take heart do not be dismayed! There is good news!!!!

He is THE good news! You are never alone . You are chosen, you are crowned! You are clothed with strength and dignity! In HIS love, your true identity is rooted in Him! His love will set you free! His love will take you places! His love makes your RED SEA moment part and breathes new life into a broken heart! Keep your head up so your princess crown won't fall! Make a choice, a choice to love anyway!

Until the whole world hears be blessed in your beautiful mess!
Katie


Music:
This One's For the Girls: Martina McBride

Peter Pan: Kelsea Ballerini

Stilettos: Kelsea Ballerini

Anyway: Martina McBride

Love Will Take You Places: Danny Gokey

Top Ten Remedies for Insecurity

I have come to realize the first year after Micah died was moving toward acceptance of his death, assuming my new role as head of this family, and rediscovering my identity. After being a caregiver for him for so long, I forgot about what I liked to do, what I like to eat, and what it was like to make decisions without having someone else to consult. This year taught me that I had only partly come to acceptance. I didn’t realize that to complete my healing I needed to accept being single and a single parent. I only thought I had rediscovered my identity! In order for my healing to be complete I needed to regain my security. The only way to be truly secure is to know your true identity; a child of God! Once you know you are His you quit giving this world and other people power to take your security. You know that God is God and He is all powerful that He is more powerful than your circumstances and he can orchestrate events to work things for good beyond your wildest dreams. He is the Blessed Controller!

 

TOP TEN REMEDIES FOR INSECURITY:

 

1. Don’t give your power away: Have to stop handing people the kind of power only God should have over us.
    
2. Believe everything God says about us is true.
    
3. Putt off self- condemnation/perfectionism:  Let your eyes open to the glorious reflection we have in His glorious reflection. Then we will see the treasure we are. (Psalm 90:17 And the beauty of the Lord will be upon us; Loveliness of the Lord rests on us MSG)
    
4. Believe God will always love you and take care of you: The root of insecurity is that no one will take care of you which produces primal fear (Isaiah 46:4 Even in your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am who will sustain you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and rescue you.)
    
5. Put on Rejection Protection: Guard your heart: don’t give your heart away easily and too soon. (Proverbs 4:23-Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it NIV; Keep a vigilant watch over your heart that’s where life starts MSG)
    
6. Let God Heal Your Broken Heart: Isaiah 61:1 He sent me to ….heal the broken hearted
    
7. Let God tell you your worth: Your value does not decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth! You are worth wanting, loving, liking, pursuing, fighting for and keeping. (Isaiah 41:9-10 I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. )
    
8. Proclaim the goodness of God: Unwelcome change can be a breeding ground for insecurity because it invites you to become addicted to dread. You live life expecting something bad to happen. A miserable trap of self-inflicted insecurity.
   (Psalm 119: 68 God is good and does good. God is righteous and kind; Exodus 34:6 The Lord is merciful and gracious, long-suffering and abounding in goodness and truth)
    
9. Regain confidence by knowing your God given identity: Be rooted strongly in your God-given identity and the conviction that nothing can take that away. We end up being fixated and looking in rather than looking up to look in. By looking up to the Father our dignity is rooted in how God views us. (You are my chosen servant, I have chosen you and have not rejected you Isaiah 41: 9)
    
10. Believe and claim you wear a crown and are clothed with strength and dignity (Proverbs 31:25 and Psalm 8:3 crowned with glory and honor)
     
    All in security is a cover up for unbelief; unbelief in ourselves; unbelief of God; of his love or that he will take care of us.
     

A Visit to the Pit!

I never really intended for this blog to be ongoing, but I didn’t really mean to take a year off from writing either. For those that I’m privileged to call friends know what a fight for life this past year has been for me.  I am thankful that these fingers still have life to type and that God has used believers, medical professionals and His word to heal me and bring me out of a very dark place. I pen this post not to gain sympathy or pity, but to be transparent. Transparency is a powerful tool in encouraging others trudging through the same struggles; in the same boat. Many times during that struggle the boat feels like it’s heading nowhere at all. If this is you at this very moment in time, hang in there and no even though it feels like eternity it’s temporary. More joy is on the way!

 

This past year was the perfect storm. I had a health issue go undiagnosed for a lengthy amount of time (ten months!). Then add in work, single mom stress, personal struggles, and family struggles and it was a perfect concoction to send me in a nose dive straight to the pit of depression. For the most part, the body of Christ thinks we should be immune to depression and anxiety, but we are not. Believers often add another layer on by feeling guilty that maybe we haven’t prayed right, prayed enough, or have some unconfessed sin in our life. Before we know it we have bought into lies of the enemy and think we are alone which leads to losing hope and feeling we are worthless. Beloved you are His child, you are NEVER alone!  We are still in a fallen world and souls clothed in flesh. Sometimes our bodies get out of whack, but there is help. I have found these to be the best way to combat depression:

 

1. Renew Your Mind: the 7 truths about God:

• God is God (Heb 11:6)
• God is Able (Eph 3:20)
• God is Good (Psalm 119:68)
• God Will Work (Romans 8:28)
• God Loves You (Romans 8:38-39)
• God’s Timing is Perfect
   
  2. Hide scripture in your heart
  
  3. Unlock Heaven: Did you know you have been given keys to the kingdom?(Matthew 16:19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven)
   
  4. Put on your armor: (Ephesians 6:10)
  
  5. Exercise: Aim for 150 min a week; 45 min 3x a week
  
  6. Diet: eat well balanced diet; avoid caffeine, fried foods, and stay hydrated
   
  7. Medication: see a psychiatrist to see if you need medication
   

8. Relaxation: Guided Imagery: these are CDs to promote relaxation and by focusing your mind on visual images and bring down fight or flight or hyperarousal of the body.

Rhonda Jones: www.thechristianmeditator.com (can find on iTunes)

 

9. Massage: this may seem frivolous and can be expensive, but the beneficial effects of massage on the body are numerous. Some studies sight massage is the best medicine for the body.

 

10. Journalizing: The human psyche has no digestive tract. Feelings have to be purged. Journalizing is writing how you felt about events NOT just recording events that took place.

11. Create a circle: find healing friends who will carry you through your struggle

12. Have something ahead to look forward to: Have a Project before you with a deadline like scrapbook, writing, planning a trip or party. These will have you looking ahead and get you outside yourself.

13. Develop new dreams/hobby ( tennis, photography class)

15. Laugh : Find a new sitcom, go to the movies in your PJs

16. Don't ask what ifs: Many times what ifs never come to fruition and cause worry. Worry is not planning, it’s stealing. Don't walk through doors that aren't open.

17. Tell yourself it's just temporary you won't be like this forever: When we think we will live in the pit the rest of our days we have created self dread. Life will get better and you will have joy again. Fight or flight paralyzed us and tuned are minds to the taunts of the devil and drowns out the gentle wooing voice of the King.

 

18. Reach out to others in grief or struggles: Make cards and mail one to encourage someone once a week.