When the World Stoppped Turning: Our Journey from 65 Roses to a New Bed of Roses

Seven years, seven months ago, April 13, 2011 to be exact was the day our quake happened! My friend, collegiate ministry partner of 14 years, husband, and father of two kids heaved his last breath in ICU at UAB Birmingham. I remember him hanging on; hanging on for three long weeks after a pulmonary bleed from cystic fibrosis complications. Our days during that storm were a roller coaster ride. We lived in a time warp from blood gas to blood gas draws, on ventilator, dialysis, through being in a coma, and waking up...

When I arrived at his bed side that Wednesday afternoon, I knew! I knew today was the day, the day of his ultimate healing. The day he would step into the presence of the Father. There was no doubt, no escaping the jaundice look of death he wore. Guant, frail, lifeless. I also knew the “eye of the tiger” needed my permission to quit fighting; quit fighting to return home to the two babies he so wanted to see grow up! The babies doctors told him he would never have!

I bent low, mustered up the bravery to whispered in ear,  “I’m going to be ok, the kids are going to be ok . I’m just going to pray, I’m jealous you are with Jesus.” Mission accomplish. Within two hours the descent started.  Heart rate drop, blood pressure lower, breaths shallower.  That was the day our "65 roses" (cystic fibrosis) chapter slipped away .

I’m not sure I can articulate the fog I walked through or the seemingly insurmountable task of trying to settle an estate/restructure finances, and return medical equipment , all while simultaneously dealing with my grief and walking a 7 year old and a 22 month old through their own! I recall feeling lost, alone, and drowning in emotional exhaustion!

In December 2011, my friend, Emily, met us where our family story began on our college campus for family photo shoot. Seeing brown eyed boy and blue eyed girl fingers grasping my hands in photograph as we walked across front lawn with fountain streams in background, I made the resolute decision the time had come for party of three to move from "65 Roses" to a new bed of roses. I had the opportunity to show my kids love is win-win proposition (Davis Chappell) and pain doesn't have the last word. 

This morning on the eve of Thanksgiving, this beautiful journey of loss to restoration crossed my path. The Brookers story of becoming single parents, blending families, and creating a new bed of roses is hope-inspiring! Enjoy!

Daniel and Brittney Brooker's story
Brooker Blog

Give The Rose of Hope

The past few days weight has been heavy on chest and I have felt tears close to welling in eyes. Short on temper and words a bit terse. I realize a steady steam of stressors on this single mom, widowhood-walk have left this servant feeling empty and love tank bare. A fresh refilling, full measure of spirit- love, encouragement, and hope  needed to rain down and replenish my soul. Ever been there? Ever held up hands and declared, "Yes Lord,  an emotional resuscitation is in order!"

I exit the car and mount the terra-cotta brick steps at the accounting firm. As I approach the desk, the assistant exclaims, "Oh! I have your return right down here!" Honestly, I was surprised she knew my name and told her she was good at remembering. "Well, I have been here for quite a long time!"

What didn't register for me was just how long I had been a client! Seven years. Seven springs ago, they began helping me wade through all the financial questions I didn't know how to resolve in the business of death and settling an estate. This was in fact the 8th tax return they had filed for me.

As I give a couple of pages my John Hancock, I hear her musical voice comment, "I love your ring!" I glance down to focus on what ring she is referencing.

"Oh.....thanks! It has special meaning. The first book I read after my husband died was Roses In December and my blog is A New Bed of Roses."

As I walked back to the car I was reminded, a compliment so small

spoke so much to my heart. This ring and this bracelet I clothe myself in each day had fallen from my sight and become

mundane rather than the hope and "65 roses" (cystic fibrosis ) reminders they are meant to serve.  Her compliment was God reminding me of His  promises to bring beauty out of ashes and that sometimes earthly miracles still happen among us. She unknowingly gave me a rose of hope!

On this side of Easter, thankful for his resurrection and for laying eyes on his earthly "65 roses", life with new lungs miracle in the flesh! Grateful a compliment reminded me to put on love, keep looking at others with eyes of grace, and find the gold within ; to build others up, to give them a rose of hope in the midst of life's chaos. You never know when a seemingly small word may speak volumes to renew another heart!

...let us exult in our sufferings and rejoice in our hardships, knowing that hardship (distress, pressure, trouble) produces patient endurance, and endurance, proven character (spiritual maturity); and proven character, hope and confident assurance (of eternal salvation). Such hope (in God's promises) never disappoints us, because God's love has been abundantly poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:3-5 AMP



Home Sweet Home: The day I ask my kids for forgiveness

Our holiday, winter break was truly sweet. Those days are etched in my memory. I didn't want it to end. The most peaceful Advent season we have had in years. We were truly able to keep our eyes on anticipating the Christ child's arrival; marvel at a baby coming to earth to be God with skin on.

To be sure we were intentional with our time, we made a "joy jar", filling it with ideas for quality time and fun excursions to experience around town. We enjoyed movies nestled beneath warm blankets while flames danced in the fireplace. Balsam and fir wafted in the air, while little hands constructed gingerbread houses and arranged sprinkles on cookies. 

With the clinic closed, we savored a whole week lounging in PJs and sipping coffee while gazing at twinkling lights on tree. After New Year's, an unexpected gift arrived....SNOW! I delighted in being witness to the first time my kids have felt flakes tickle noses and melt on tongues. The glee of hands scooping cold mounds and hurling through the air pelting sibling. We recounted my own childhood memories of snows in metro Atlanta where their granddad bought us make shift sleds from Ace Hardware. Black concrete mixing tubs gave us hours of rides down our steep driveway. Our southern region had not received snowfall in decades! Isn't that just God? He gives unexpected gifts just because he wants to bless his children. The break truly felt like home sweet home!

Yet, peppered throughout the break were scenes not so picturesque. Squabbles and screams. Jeers and tears. Sharp words that penetrate soul. Loud verbiage, slammed doors. Savage. My kids can turn savage. I am left perplexed  as to how this mean chaos happens again and again? If you were to ask me if I teach my kids? If I seek to discipline and disciple my kids? If I  probe their sinful hearts and point to their need for Christ? If I get them to examine their behavior in light of God's commands, fruit of the spirit, and love for others? ......My answer is a resounding YES!

 

As I seek retreat to the master suite to escape for encouragement, I hear conviction and truth  through a series of sermons. Rob Rienow's words made my toes and heart ache a bit. Thought I was probing little hearts and steering them in the right direction with great intention. I came to realize, I have been fooling myself. I have been believing lies.                                                                       

I sat my kids down at our kitchen table with a bag of marshmallows, a cardboard house, and their bibles.                Joy reads, Proverbs 14:1......

"The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers downs (brick by brick MSG)."  

Then I humbled myself. "I need to ask for your forgiveness. Please forgive me. I have discovered I have been believing two lies. Lies that I have allowed to tear down our house. "


Silence. Amazement sat on faces. "I've been believing, 'Siblings just fight!' When in fact, siblings are God's design to give you an encourager, a prayer partner, and accountability.  I've also been lulling myself into thinking your true character is who others say  you are outside this house. You are who your teachers, friends, and youth leaders compliment; brag about. When in fact, your true character is who you are in this home. If you want to know what kind of friend you are, it's how your treat your brother. If you want to know what kind of husband you will be, it's how you treat me."

"See this house? This house is a visual representation of our home (pouring in marshmallows) . We can build it up or tear it down! I love you enough to teach you how to make a home, a sweet home. Will you do your part?"  

                                                                                            

During an interview for her role in the film, Wonder, Julia Roberts commented on the script that gripped her. "Compassion.... Compassion is not something you want to be lectured about, you want to be infused with it. " My prayer is our home is infused with love, empathy, and compassion. Since we constructed our marshmallow abode that final day of winter break, it sits as the centerpiece of our kitchen table. When harsh words ring out, marshmallows removed symbolize to little hearts they are choosing the foolish way, tearing down our house brick by brick. I wish I could tell you this teaching tool has totally transformed life under our roof; that sibling spats have ceased and encouragement from mouth abound! Not hardly! But, I do believe I've seen the aroma of my kid's hearts become a little sweeter.

"For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing."

2 Corinthians 2:15 

Resources:

Rob Rienow: Visionary Family, Visionary Marriage

http://visionaryfam.com/

Through the Looking Glass: Letting Advent Transform Your Pane

The screams of Christmas lists,  family tensions strung high , custody schedules, and complaints echo through my ears . I feel like I'm standing still watching all the squabbling  of the season happen before me through a frosted window pane. And I want more than anything to beckon them to come and see how I see; to offer them a piece of my peace .

In my world, the perspective on the other side of the looking glass, cozy Advent atmosphere : White lights tinkle, an advent wreath, a Jesse tree.... my haven is awaiting , waiting with anticipation . Waiting for a babe. Because a babe, fully God, fully man, a Savior coming, our vocabulary changes from all the "have tos" to we "GET to" ! From seeing lack to seeing all we have! 

Make no mistake , life under this roof is not all a bed of roses. The realization , the pains of Advent put all first world problems into crystal perspective . And if one allows , grief can transform panes from pains. The lens of gratitude lights the path to counting life as joy and peace .The lens makes all things new.

I can't help but know there are people out there praying for what most take for granted . A roof over head, four wheels to drive, pantry of food, accessible medical treatment, faucet flowing drinkable water, eyes that read, ears to drink in sounds of the season,  diplomas on wall....all make me wealthier than 75% of the world's population.

Through the glass I see all I have only because of the one who gave it all. The one who took holes in hands knows all the holes in your heart . Discovering your holes leads you to the only one who can make you whole .  Love came down to bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free.

Breathe. Breathe in hope. Breathe in peace. Breathe in joy. Breathe in love...

for the Christ child is coming !

Helping the Greiving Through the Holidays

As a young girl growing up near the heart of Atlanta, my most vivid Christmas memory was going to see The Atlanta Ballet perform the Nutcracker at the Fox. Now I too enjoy the Nutcracker tradition in our community each Christmas season with my daughter.  A few weeks ago I found myself roaming through the ornament section of Target. I was on a hunt to find a special ornament to commemorate this year's Nutcracker tea and performance.  No ornament was really grabbing me as a token I'd like my Sugar Plum Fairy girl to hang on her tree many years from now to remember the annual event . What did catch my attention was a dull throbbing ache that began to creep up in my chest. I soon realized the familiar feeling...the return of the Holiday grief monger.

 After seven years, I have come to the conclusion, the lights that are so merry and bright illuminate holes within hearts. The holidays make grief more raw. Our pain is less sharp now, but Micah's absence is always with us. My thoughts shifted to those in my circle who are grieving right now. A friend who just buried her dad. Marriages shattered, kids worlds crumbled. Another family just kissed Dad in uniform good-bye and will see him about this time next year. As I pulled my cart to check out lane 6, there she was, a beloved MOPS sister. She shared hubby just deployed for 3 months. She shared my sentiments, holidays make pain greater.

How can you help grieving families through the holidays? Here are my top dos and don'ts :

DON'T
1. Say, "I'm here. Call me if you need anything!"
This is a grand gesture, but grieving people often don't know what they need and won't remember who offered to help. If it's soon after a death, I encourage a family member or close friends helping to keep a list of all those who offer to help and what their specific ways they want to help (childcare, yard, make meals).

2. Say, "You know this was God's will. "

3. Don't say irrational spiritual statements to rationalize loss: :
" God knew it was his time!"  , "At least your kids had a dad for the time they did! Some kids never have one !" , " You are young and beautiful you will marry someone else .",  " You are young ! You can still have other children !",  "You know God knew you all needed an angel up there to watch over you !"

DO:
1. Continue to include them. Invite them to outings, game night, or parties.
Even if the person says no, the gesture that you thought of them and invited them means a lot. Know that each person is a soul. Just because their marital status may have changed doesn't mean they don't want to be included in their previous circle of friends.

2. Invite them over for a meal or take a meal to them and stay to eat.
Meals are wonderful. Company is even better. I know I've said it before but, if we are to be the supportive body of Christ, we have to get past pop and drop. Popping a casserole in the oven and dropping it off and riding into the sunset fills the belly, but not the soul. Grieving people most need a listening ear and fellowship.

3. Ask them when and how you can help them decorate their home or haul down Christmas boxes from the attic.

4. Ask what their family holiday plans are to be sure they will not be alone.
Grief can bring family closer or tear them apart. Families either lean on each other or turn on each other. Don't assume because family is close by that family supports the grieving.

5. Ask them what in their home needs repairs.

6. Ask parents if they would like help shopping for the kids and take the kids shopping for surviving parent.
For a surviving spouse or  spouse of a deployed service member, buying all your own Christmas presents and faining to be surprised on Christmas morning  is one of the hardest/lonliest parts of the grief journey.

7. Be a constant presence.
Whether cards, text, lunch dates. being there on a regular basis is the biggest support you could ever imagine . One mom shared,  "After my miscarriage , a dear friend would just come and sit on my couch with me and watch movies. I'd cry and she never had to say a word. Having her there meant so much "

8. Be dependable. Keep your word, be a promise keeper.
From my observations, disappointment to the grieving (especially children) is magnified more than I could put into words. Follow through on intentions to get together, take kids hunting, or on fun outings.
Be a person whose walk matches talk. We show integrity by our actions rather than our intentions. Keeping promises reaffirms there is good in a hurting world and loving people who can be trusted. If we are in Christ, then we are an extension of God's love in action.  After all,  love is something that we do and  we do what we believe.

"Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with action and in truth."

1 John 3:18

Music:
Love Is Something That We Do: Clint Black

Love Them Like Jesus: Casting Crowns

Resource:
Emergency Response Handbook for Small Groups by Group Publishing

Living On the Bridge Through Life's Seasons

God's given a clear word to me. The word keeps resurfacing in small group discussions, bible study, news articles.... the word is season. In this season, God has definitely tilled the soil and is doing a new work. I am so thankful my little haven is in a season of peace. I'm back to work full time in the speech rehab world. I ain't gonna lie!  I love what I'm called to do. But ya'll, the struggle  IS REAL to balance single motherhood, work, and home life.  I'm most definitely right where I am suppose to be ministering, but not exactly where I thought I'd be this season last year. 

During this season, God has taught me:

1. God gives vision and His chief desire is for us to be obedient. 
This time last year I created a LLC with the vision of training church leaders and educators on organizational leadership and on how to create safe sanctuaries. A vision to help bring awareness and a plan to protect children from sexual and emotional abuse in churches. Can I  get a witness? Our headlines every day beg and scream this is a need. Yet, apparently it's not the season my for family. 

If I'm honest, I've been through Satan getting in my head. He has spoken condemnation. "Who do you think you are? What were you thinking? See your vision did not come to fruition!" I've journeyed to contentment now knowing I was obedient and if Roots & Wings Educational Consulting is to take flight, God will open doors in his time. 

In your season of waiting, don't grow weary or give up beloved! You will reap what you sow, later than you sow, and more than you sow! Galatians 6:9

2. God can use the hardest trials to help us walk into His destiny.
I've had to sit back and watch; watch my curly headed boy wrestle with a season of hardship. My John Davis, he has been handed a Goliath size, suffering cup no mom would ever want her child to bear. I found myself apologizing to him over and over that he has to endure this mountain.

I clearly heard God whisper, "Hush, just hush". I realized this very suffering may be what shapes him for his God-calling. If this thistle is taken away, he may not be changed into God's likeness and step into all his heavenly Father has for him to become. And then right there in His word:

REPENTANCE + REST=SALVATION  &   QUIET + TRUST= STRENGTH!!!

Isn't what we all need? To humble ourselves, cast out our idols, and rest in God's saving grace? And sometimes our silence can be the loudest remark! Closing my mouth and trusting God will give me strength to know He is working the hard, painful times into good that will glorify Him.

In repentance and rest is your salvation, 
in quietness and trust is your strength,...Isaiah 30:15 

3. We are all living on a bridge.
In this haven we are most definitely in a season, a season of matrimony. In our little corner of the globe 2017-2018 ushers in 4 weddings .  As a spectator of planning and showers, I watch brides juggle dreams with family dynamics. I have become keenly aware grief has you live on a bridge, a bridge of time; a never ending  time continuum between past, present, and future.

Any given day, I walk my children across the bridge through several time continuums...sometimes even multiple times. 

The bridge to the PAST takes my kids back to enjoy visiting their earthly father, to know what their Dad was like; to remember and hold on to memories, and makes him tangible in his absence.

The bridge of the PRESENT  keeps us focused on what is right in front of us. Focusing on gifts in the present unlocks joy. Joy produces contentment. 

The bridge to the FUTURE  fills us with hope. Our prayer is  for wherever God plants us we will walk in His light and be a vessel to bring him glory.  We pray for whoever God brings into our future will allow room for us to bring the past along where we will cherish them both simultaneously. For we are all a sum of our past. People who speak encouragement spur us on to love and good deeds. We treasure and hold them dear. Those that caused pain and destruction also compel us to vow to love justice, seek mercy, and walk humbly with our God. (Micah 6:8)

Beloved, embrace your walk on the bridge through all of life's seasons! Knowing He is the unchangeable God of each step you take through all the changing seasons will set you free. He is the God of all of your days! 


Until the whole world hears,
Katie

Music:

God of All My Days by Casting Crowns

The Very Next Thing by Casting Crowns

Broken Together

A dear sister in Christ," Hannah", and I sat across the table from each other over waffle fries, Cobb salad, and sweet tea , while our kids giggled in a booth beside us. I exhaled after a long day of seeing patients, " Ah! Girl time! " Somewhere between hearing cherub giggles and dipping Polynesian sauce, our light hearted conversation turned soberly to the brokenness that seemed to hammer our Savior knowing circle the last few years . The living death, divorce, that has been a stained glass earthquake impaling shards in hearts. In the heaviness of the moment I sarcastically declared, " Well it's official!! We've hit it! We've hit midlife! "

Later it occurred to me why mid life might be make it or break it time for a marriage.  At midlife your still raising kids (probably hormonal teens), caring for aging parents, and maybe reflecting on a career change . After all you only have half your life left and you want to make the last half count . And this crazy life just is NOT what you EXPECTED when you said "I do ".

Expectation... Expectation is the root of all heart ache. How many expected the day you walked in white dress and veiled face down the aisle that marriage would be roses , champagne, vacations? A Disney princess fairytale that our culture has fed nearly all girls ! Reality check! Marriage is compromise, compassion, communication, forgiveness, and hard work!

After conversations at bible study this week on being content in our roles/relationships and having several women pose the question what should I be looking for ?( in a mate). I was struck that the answer was staring back at us in our memory verse....

"the Son of Man did not come to be served,

but to serve,

and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:28

If you are searching for a mate, someone you can live WITH, well my friend you are searching for love in all the wrong places!!! Search for a servant; for someone who at their core desires to live out the gospel, do kingdom work , and be a kingdom changer . Look for a ministry partner. Life is not vacations and anniversaries! Real life is washing clothes, emptying the dishwasher, cooking supper, changing diapers, walking the dog, being in grief together,  and figuring out how to navigate the pregnancy of your teenage daughter . Real life is hard, raw and messy! Marriage is real life not a Disney princess fairytale . Real life is a roller coaster that can leave you feeling battered and broken. Marriage is finding someone you can enjoy the dailies with and learning  to be " broken together".

Broken Together: Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhxELo-uD3c

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again: Danny Gokey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwdOJ3PzxCE